Long Distance relationships

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Lexi
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Post by Lexi »

I still get a laugh from your choptstick dream. You have the strangest dreams? too funny!! :-D

I?m beat, Mike. I have been burning the candle on both ends the past couple of days getting ready to leave for Sacramento, making sure that my loan closes properly, student teaching, and maintaining a heavy workload at work. It's good, though. I like to keep busy. :)

My boss is still MIA. I think I mentioned my situation to you before about him. He is gone? a lot. I am definitely not complaining though. I think I might have mentioned to you that his dad is very ill. Well his dad died on Monday. I went to the wake yesterday evening. My boss is a terrific man. I swear that he is. We get along really well. My beef is with his work ethics not his personal ethics but anyway, his daddy died and he?s busy making all kinds of arrangements. I?ve been through this and so you will never hear a peep of complaint out of me on this one. My boss is in his late 60?s and his dad was 93 years old. He lived a long and prosperous life and died of diabetes complications. In the meantime, I have a grant due and our department?s Funding Allocation Plan due before I leave. I love my work but I am happy to be taking off for a few months. Hopefully when I get back, I will have learned skills that will help me in my career. Anyway, no more complaining from me about work. I am happy just very tired. :-D

I have a friend that needed a student assistant and he hired me. He had to be out for surgery and so he asked the administration to provide him with a assistant. I accepted the job. The pay is pretty good for the few hours that I actually work. It started 2 weeks ago and it ends in about 2 more weeks. So far I have only 8 students out of over 140 that are failing. The rest all have A?s and B?s. It?s great, Michael! I love teaching!! I am having so much fun. It?s a good group and it?s really making me think that I would not mind becoming a university professor. All I need is a master?s to teach at a university. Hmmm? I might be rethinking my career path. I definitely like a teacher?s schedule. I can live with the 3 months of in the summer and a whole month of during the winter thing. :-D

Yes, I tend to believe that we are in a housing bubble, too. It?s hard to really tell if we are indeed in a housing bubble here in Southern California particularly Orange County and San Diego County. Other parts of the country are easier to classify. Southern California is and always will be prime real estate. Anyway, about political discussions?I do try to avoid them with people who make it clear that they do not wish to discuss this stuff. I?ll keep my political views out of your discussion board from this point forward. I will tell you this though, in 1936, in his inaugural address, FDR said, "For those to whom much is given, much is expected.? I believe that this inaugural speech was one of the all time greatest speeches ever. I don?t know?somehow FDR?s words ring true to me. I feel that I am very fortunate. More fortunate than many and I feel that I owe it to those who are not doing so hot to ensure that their issues be heard. I am not a political junkie; I am just a social justice advocate. :-D

I have to confess, I cried over Tim for the first time in a long this morning. :( It was kind of weird because I have been feeling so good and so happy and so free and so, I don't know, GOOD about life in general. Tim?s dad called me this morning and I guess that?s what kind of set off my melancholy mood. He?s coming to town in July. I don?t know if I told you but when Tim died he had no will. When you die without a will things sometimes get a little complicated, especially if you own property and have other investments. Anyway, Tim?s dad called me this morning to tell me he had good news. He said that the final court date was going to be at the end of July. With this final court date all of Tim?s financial affairs will be put in order and his dad will assume full responsibility as executor of the estate. It?s hard to rehash these things. It brings back ugly memories of the day that it happened and the weeks that ensued. Man, oh man, will I be glad when I never have to hear about these things again. After this court date, it?s finally over. :)

We?ll be taking the last few items out of Tim?s home and handing the keys over to a property manager. The court will also finally grant permission to dispose of his truck. Tim's beloved truck? I?m not looking forward to any of this but I know that it has to be done. I hate going back to Tim?s house. It hurts. It hurts so bad to have to go back there to finish cleaning the place out. I guess that is why I started to cry this morning. Couldn?t help it. His dad will let me know what the deal is later on this week so that I may accompany him to the meeting in July. I know that it?s hard on him, too and so I always offer to go with him. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Next topic.... :P

Other than that, I have been doing good. Been staying out of trouble. :-D


I am going to Disneyland on Friday. My friend?s boss gave her passes and she invited me to join her. It should be fun and might help me get my mind off of things. Thinking of buying myself a new bed. I need to research who is having mattress sales. Any ideas?

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement about the job. I needed to hear that. I am actually really looking forward to the change in work duties. I think it will be a great learning experience and I can?t wait. :-D

Speaking of friends who have helped me along the way. I agreed to hang out with another friend who I hadn?t made time for in a very long time. It was great! I had a blast. You know, Michael. I really have changed. I am more confident and more serious than I used to be. I could tell that my friend wanted to ask me all kinds of deeply personal questions about Tim and about life in general but I kept the conversation light. I kept my composure as we lightly skimmed the topic of Tim and any current love interest that either one of us had. In the past, I would have felt compelled to confess all and perhaps even cried broken-heartedly to my friend over all sorts of stuff. I had no desire to do that this time around. In the past, I would have been like ?...and there?s this guy! His name is Mike and I totally dig him!!!?. It was just kind of a weird. I had a fabulous time with her but it was different than what it was like in the past when we hung out together. I am more reserved these days. A little guarded in my responses. Do you know what I mean? I was not trying to be mysterious or anything like that. It?s just that I really had no desire to disclose way personal information. It was a different experience than what I am used to with her. We had a good time though. I am seeing her again this Friday. Can't wait!! Her dad owns an italian ice shop and she always brngs me the most delicious stuff to eat. :-D

I better go. I have to go to work. Much more to say and ask but I will come in here over the weekend to say hello. :)

I hope that you have a beautiful day!!

Take care,

Lexi
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Post by mb_rockstar »

lol* did i mentioned i picked up some chopsticks the other day and gave it to mike as a reminding gift? hahaha* the day he told me that, i could not get that....image out of my mind. oh my gosh....so, i came across some chopsticks while working and decided to get them as a joke. hey! they are good chopsticks. couldn't stop laughing about it that day. :D

i'm sorry to hear about what you have to go through right now with the court date and all. i hope it passes for you soon.

after experiencing traumatic usually changes you temporarily (or possible permanently) on how you are with other people. although, my experiences does not compare to yours, i do understand about you being a little more reserved and guarded. i've actually been going through that for quite sometime now, but i noticed recently, i've been slowly letting loose once again. it just takes time and the right people to help you do that. hopefully, in your case and in everyone else i know, it's temporary. :)

we all have our moments when we don't want to talk about things or feel certain ways. just don't think about them so much it will eventually pass.

^_^

hmm...my last day off (sort of). will be starting my new job this friday and will be working 7 days straight. what the heck!! i shouldn't complain. :P anyhow, gonna go workout this afternoon to make up for yesterdays loss.

oh! oh! and....play around with myyy new camera. hehe* ;) thinking about heading over to the arboretum in fullerton (if i can find it).

mike, i'm going to finish my resume once and for all today! see ya later.

take care*

mel
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Post by Lexi »

Hi MB,

I am sure Mike loved his gift. :-D

Good luck on your new job!!
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Post by mb_rockstar »

lol* i don't know about that. looked like he was blushing with embarrassment when i gave it to him. hahaha

thanks lexi. it's just a temporary job anyway.
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Post by Lexi »

Hi Michael!

I just wanted to wish you guys a wonderful trip to the East Coast before I leave on Tuesday. answer your last post before I leave on Tuesday. You guys are going to have a blast! Have you ever been to the East Coast? If not, you will love it. The people of D.C. are so friendly and helpful. The same with the people in Virginia. It's just a really neat place. I want to go back some day.

There are a great many black people that live in the D.C. area. I don't want to sound prejudiced or like a total moron but my last trip to D.C. was a really nice, eye=opening, cultural experience for me with the black community. I don't really have any black friends. I don't have much interaction with black people at all. The majority of my close friends are asian. For whatever reason, my true friends have always ended up being chinese or vietnamese.

Anyway, you know how movies and music videos tend to portray black people as gun touting thugs? I will be the first to admit that sometimes when I am in L.A. I feel a little anxious if I am approached by a black person on the street. I have actually been mugged (They didn't hurt me, they just stole my money and pushed me.) by two black men in Los Angeles. I was probably like 17 years old and they walked into a store that I was shopping at. As I walked out of the store they followed me and in broad daylight shoved me against the wall and stole my purse. I am not usually the meek, damsel in distress type. I remember being totally pissed that they had pushed me and I was all set to go king fu on them and fight back but the one who was watching the other guy push me lifted his shirt so that I could see his gun. Needless to say the sight of that thing dampened any desire to do anything but stand there shocked. They just wanted my wallet they said and they would be out of my way. I handed them my purse. One of them tore into my purse and found my wallet. He took the cash from the wallet, which wasn't much anyway, and tossed my wallet and purse out onto the middle of the street and took off running. It was crazy and very scary. The whole ordeal lasted like 3 minutes but I felt as if it took hours. I do not let that experience cloud my views of black people. I know that this was a unique experience and that not all black people are thugs. But even to this day, if I am approached by a black person in Los Angeles, I feel a little scared. I hate it that I do feel this way but I can't help it. I don't go to Los Angeles much anyway anymore. When I do, I avoid places that experiences like that may occur. I know that this can happen anywhere but I just frequent shopping malls, concert theatres, and museums, etc. in LA and avoid that kind of thing all together. :-D

Going to D.C. was a nice cultural experience for me because there was great deal of black people. Not the kind of people that we sometimes see in LA either. They were not homeless, druggies trying to mug innocent girls or small shop owners. They were professional black people all over the place. It was fantastic. It was something that really helped me to forget about the mugging experience many years ago. I never met a friendlier group of people who helped to make my trip enjoyable as the black people in D.C. and in Virginia. It was just a whole different world than the one we see in movies and on the streets on LA. I was glad that I got to see this group of people in this light. Black men and women in suits, riding the subway to and from work, black business people all over the place. Black people occupying every seat in the restuarants. I truly loved it. I needed to see that because even though I do not like to consider myself prejudice, I know that we all are prejudice in our own way. I hope that you enjoy the experience as much as I did. :-D

My dream about you... I really can't remember! It's wierd but I remember you being in it more vividly than I do MB but for some reason I just can't remember what my dream was about. I remember standing in a grassy area talking to you but that is about it. I remember going to bed that night after posting a message and suddenly, there you and MB were. Oh well! I hardly ever dream and so I am not surprised that I did not remember what this one was about.

Did you go to IKEA? I love IKEA stuff. I know that it's cheap furniture and stuff but I don't care, I love going in there. They have cute stuff and good decorating ideas. I need all the decorating help I can get. I don't have a natural knack for decorating like some women do. I'm just kind of like, does it come in blue? Good. I'll take it. Creating a website should be a fun project for you. You've done such a fantastic job with your own website that I am have all the confidence that you well create a good one for your work. Send me the link once you have something going. I'd love to see what you created. :-D

You asked my if I knew someone named Bich. Nope. I don't know anyone named Bich. Does he work for the county or City of Santa Ana? I have more interaction with fellow City of Santa Ana employees though I am not that familiar with the IT staff. For the past couple of weeks I have been working closely with city offficials from Dana Point and Huntington Beach. I haven't really met the IT staff for these cities yet. I know that eventually I will met everyone. I deal more with accounting staff, economic development staff, planning commissions, and local elected officials in my everyday line of work. We couldn't do anything without our outstanding support from IT and so I really appreciate them keeping us up and running, I just don't interact with that segment of city or county divisions, too often. A very good friend of mine is on the IT staff at Santa Ana. He's about the only IT person that I really know. :-D

Anyway, I am outta here on Tuesday and I didn't want to leave without wishing you and MB a wonderful and safe 4th of July weekend. I hope that you have an amazing trip!!! You deserve a nice vacation and I just know that you are going to love the East Coast. May you experience lots of wonderful things while and D.C. and make great memories. I look forward to catching up with you when I get back! :-D

Take care,

Lexi
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Post by Mikey_ »

Chopstick dream huh? Don't remind me haha...

Lexi, how's your stay in Sacramento been? How have you been?

Teaching can be rewarding -- I can't deny the fact that seeing my own students succeed brought a sense of accomplishment and warmth to my heart. Or that you had some sort of influence in helping someone find the ambition -- a purpose -- to move forward. But there will also be days where you sometimes question yourself about why you're still teaching. Some students just are unappreciative. Some are just idiotic troublemakers, but I always saw those students as challenges for me to help them turn around in one way or another.

But you know, I finally came to the realization that after seeing so many of my students succeed, why was I still here teaching? Why haven't I really moved forward in my own career? Sure, my personal strengths kept growing, but so did fatigue, laziness at home, and other factors. I'm still young. Why don't *I* start growing my *own* career and when I retire, maybe then should I return to helping ambitious people realize their dreams? And that's exactly when I finally chose to give up teaching and work on my own career. I couldn't be happier :)

It's good to help people out -- but you've got to take care of yourself too. This realization came from one of the biggest, most welcome lessons in my life, and you know what? People still respect you this way. You do not need somebody else's approval to feel good about yourself. It has to come from within. It has to come from liking who you are and what you may become.

I have been a bit more active in looking for a condo/home the past few months and pretty soon I'll be asking for some realtors' help in seeking a place I'd like to call my new home. Preferrably it'll be a fixer-upper. Fixing things doesn't scare me at all. It never did. Just be sure that the home isn't a disaster about to happen (eg. previous floodings, etc.) I just can't wait to get my hands dirty and design the home I'd like it to be. You know what's funny? I actually won't have that many computers in my home. It's no longer that "modern, futuristic" look that I thought I'd like. Sure, gadgets may still be around here and there, but my personal liking has turned more towards the cozy, natural, uplifting settings that scream peace, calm surrender, simplicity, playfulness, and freedom. It's quite a change. We'll see what budget I'll have. I've been pretty good about saving thus far.

Talking about money... Can you believe that there actually are buyers for my photographs??? Profits range from $15 - $50 per poster! It's soooo flattering! I'll be looking into some partnerships in the near future to earn some extra income on the side. We'll see what happens. One of my co-workers got sponsored by National Geographic to go on assignments all-expense paid and he has liked my pictures thus far. He quit his job at NDS to do that full-time, but I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. It's an exciting thought to think about though :)

The trip was great! We sort of wanted to stay in Virginia a bit longer, but overall it was great! The trip to NYC was a bit disappointing, but the pictures we got out of there make up for it all completely, sort of :) I never knew how beautiful Delaware is, but also how discouraging those toll roads can be. Authentic Philly Cheese Steak in Philadelphia? Yum. Did that. Gawk at the cozy homes in Bethesda? Makes me want to buy one. The waterfalls in Virginia? Mmmmm.... New York City was a bit scary actually. And Washington DC... you were right: it's magnificent!

Our relaxed vacationing didn't allow us to see everything we wanted, but that's just the best part: we'll have other things that we can explore in the future. Just chill. Relax. Enjoy. Loved it. China is my next big trip I have in mind. May be able to convince the whole family to go :) We'll see. I still have LA County, OC County, and SD County to explore -- and exploring I will :) In fact, the next 3 weekends are already planned in a way.

The website I created at work turned out quite positive. It was really nothing, but apparently people thought otherwise. Don't want to do any more site designs though and I'm not afraid of sharing that with my manager should that occasion arise again. Sometimes I smile and wonder what happened to me in the sense that things don't scare me as much any more. I've done things that other people don't even dare to try -- and by "other people" I include how I used to be a year ago -- and the results have just been positive.

So, what has happened since my last post here? Lots of things. In fact, I don't remember most of it. Where to even start?

Overall, things have been good. From time to time, I still feel a sharp pain in my heart whenever thoughts of Kim come up. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel sick, but I've already slowly started opening myself up again to the rest of the world. Should the right one come along, you bet that I'll make my move, but only if she meets the few things I look for in a partner. This thought alone is different from how I used to be. It shows how much I feel I have grown.

I certainly miss Kim's friendship. The other day I just spent many, many hours thinking about what exactly the pain I felt was all about. It wasn't the fact that we are no longer a couple. It's not the fact that some extremely hurtful things happened between the two of us before, during, and after our relationship. It was simply: I miss her. I miss the friendship we once shared. But what helps me embrace that pain the most is that I have heard that she's never been happier. That is good news. She deserves it, and if that means that our friendship should continue to be severed, I will continue to respect her space.

You know what's funny? I'm no longer needy like I used to be. I realized that I had very low confidence in myself and in why someone like Kim loved me so unconditionally. Kim loved the things in me that I only learned about myself not too long ago. The neediness also stemmed from the fear of losing her if we didn't spend enough time with one another. But for a relationship to work, one must respect each other's space and desire to have some personal time. To allow each other to grow with each other and on their own.

I mentioned to you long time ago that I was sent to Red Hat for Linux training. It stunk as compared to what I learned at my previous workplaces. Little did I know that I actually know quite a lot about IT and that fear always held me back. As I read once, "Fear only makes the wolf bigger than he is." You can say that again! The highlight wasn't the training, but the fact that there were so many aerospace companies around there in El Segundo. Raytheon, Boeing, USAF... I don't remember what companies there were (have them written down somewhere), but every major aerospace organization was right there. I kept thinking multiple times how Kim would have loved working there.

That week of training also accumulated CRAZY overtime hours. We got paid for driving to and from the class, add traffic to it, mileage, and other things, and that week alone paid for that month's rent. In fact, rent has been fully paid for thus far every month due to the voluntary overtime hours I've put in. Bonus checks came in not too long ago, and we also got even more additional money for our team's hard work. Add that DSL and cell phone are paid for as well, and the great co-workers, and I've realized that I practically struck gold with my new job.

In any case, I have to go now. Full moon is tonight and I'll be out taking pictures with MB. We both hope that our photography can jump start a side income. I plan on khayaking or hiking this weekend with a few friends as we cancelled the past 2 weekends due to bad weather or whatever. It'll depend on the weather and our moods. The main goal is: to relax.

May post more later on :)

Have a great weekend!

Michael
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Post by Mikey_ »

So, the companies that were in El Segundo were Aerospace Corp, Raytheon, LA Airforce, Lockheed Martin, Boeing, Northrop Grumman... pretty impressive huh? Imagine the pollution. Yuck. Even Mattell was right across the street of where I was training.

Went to Laguna Beach's Heisler Park the other day and just sat on top of a rock gazing into the distance and admiring what I never really noticed before: the calm soothing of the waves sliding across the beach, illuminated by a full moon over a clear sky with just hints of clouds here and there, the sands feeling just right to the touch of your bare feet. The surrounding was further enhanced by a small haze of fog, a play of warm and cool colors, and an oceanic breeze telling the tales of the sea. People were equally enjoying the view from a distance -- some on a bench and cozying up with their partner, some simply looking over the cliffs and admiring the wonders of nature, while others were gazing at the stars of varying brightness. The restaurants were equally as inviting and I may just try them one day.

Our company had a picnic a few weeks ago at Mile Square Park -- the first time I ever set foot on this park that measured 1 mile on each side (hence, "Mile Square".) The greens were lushly in different colors and a laser tag tent, volley ball court, sumo wrestling, shaved ice booth, temporary tattoo parlor, and various tents stocked with delicious meals surrounded a handful of white chairs and tables. I knew most of the people but primarily enjoyed the picnic with the younger crowd. Sumo wrestling was quite fun -- I went up for 3 matches not caring if I looked like an idiot in that sumo suit or not. I just wanted to have fun: http://hkss.com/temp/pics/nds

Image

I purposely let the two older men win in my first 2 matches, sometimes giving just little resistance, just enough to fall on my back. Sometimes I got them to the ground so that it seemed that there indeed was a fight going on, helping them up afterwards. When it came to the 3rd match, a match against a young martial artist, it was time to put up a fight. Seems that my weight gave me an advantage and as not to embarass him, I fell down once on purpose as well, tying up the score until we both were exhausted. It was fun!

Laser tag was just too hot under the scorching sun and the gun sensors just didn't work well either. We eventually moved on to the volleyball court where the day and night shifts were pit against each other (I joined the day shift.) We lost. Yuck.

This here is one of my favorite pictures of the picnic:

Image

She's my co-worker's super-shy niece and pointing the camera at her made her look away like you're the Cookie Monster (they do exist, right?) So, I improvised by simply lowering the camera and snapping a couple shots while talking to her.

Did I share with you that I did something gutsy about a month ago by asking the company's president if he'd agree to pay our Sr. Buyer to teach fellow co-workers how to play a guitar? I was so scared while sitting in that chair in his office, thinking it was one of the most ridiculous questions I have ever asked. "Absolutely. That's a great idea!" What? Was I dead already?? Did I hear right?? He agreed! So, we just finished our 3rd lesson this week free of charge. Guitar lessons cost about $30-$50/hour from private tutors. The Sr. Buyer still is in denial that the president agreed to do this, but the 15 participants are having a great time, although it can get frustrating at times. That's where we encourage each other to continue, and I've also introduced Pearl Jam's Last Kiss (taught to me by MB) to a select few that we practice on every night to keep our spirits up. We still sound HORRIBLE, but we're having fun nonetheless! hehehehe

Oh yeah, went to Balboa Beach last night and whoa! Magnificent! Photo Planktons lit up the shores of the beach with every crashing wave -- I had never seen that before and wish that it could have been captured by my camera. Sadly, I'd have to purchase an $8,000 lens to do that :( Waves were just awesome and powerful! In one of the shots, I was surrounded by water when I had the camera pointed at the jetty and the full moon. The pants were just soaked and drenched and the thought of the camera possibly getting wet as well was a bit eerie, but I was in luck. The beach wasn't without an incident though: a police helicopter was hovering near where the car was parked -- apparently somebody got arrested by 6 or so police units. Took the Balboa Ferry and get this: one of the kids saw the cameras and called us "tourists." I just looked at him, smiled, and said, "We're photographers." I think I freaked him out that we spoke English! hehehehehehe...

Going to get ready for khayaking now. It's nice outside.

Ciao!
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Post by Lexi »

Good morning, Michael!

Nice to hear that you are doing well. :)

I am glad that got a chance to see the full moon with MB the other night. I didn't get a chance to check it out, myself, but I was talking to a friend of mine and she told me that it looked amazing.

Your trip! I knew that you would love it. To tell you the truth, I wasn't all that jazzed about New York either. I stayed for about a week with a friend who was attending school in New York oncce. I had fun but my mind was preoccupied with other stuff during my visit and so I didn't really get the full vacationing effect. I couldn't stop thinking of all the things that I had left behin unfinished. My trip to New York was a very spur of the moment thing. I was younger back then and quite a bit more irresponsible. I had given my friend a ride to the airport to take her back to New York and suddenly she said, "Come with me, it will be fun". So I did. I parked my car and bought a plane ticket to join her for a week. I did get to see a few cool museums but like I said, I was worried about what the consequences of my quick departure. I did get to see the WTC. This was way before September 11th. I believe I was there in May of 1999. Yes, it was around May or June of 1999. It was not as hot, most days, as it was when I went to DC.

I have to tell you that I love to eat. Perhaps the most memorable part of my brief stay in New York was the food. I mean, I saw a few world-renowned museums, checked out the Statue of Liberty, went to the infamous Central Park, went to a comedy club, and caught a Broadway show...but it was the food that left the best impression on me. There was a bakery and a Japanese restaurant within walking distance of where I was staying and both were delicious. I ate a fresh baked blueberry muffin each morning I was there.

New York was pretty cool, though. I'd do it again. Next time, it will be a real vacation where I plan it though. That way I can kind of just relax and enjoy it. Ha! You are right though, New York City was a bit scary for me, too.

I'm glad to hear that you also enjoyed DC. The picture you posted was great! That was my favorite spot, too. I didn't stay in that park area very long. I can remember walking through it quickly to get to the more crowded area at the Lincoln Memorial. I just loved seeing the Lincoln Memorial. It's just a majestic looking monument. I wanted to go back at night at see it under the bright lights but my friends had other plans. Did you get a tour of the White House? Another super interesting thing to do do while there. I can't wait to go back some day.

If I ever get married, I know it sounds geeky, but DC just might be a potential honeymoon spot. I'm kind of a history buff so DC is a fun place for me.

I am glad to hear that you continue to learn and grow with regards to Kim, respect, and personal space. These are good things for you to reflect upon. It will make your next relationship so much more fulfiling. Sometimes I kind of feel like that, too. Tim would be so proud that I am not always the immature little pig that he used to find so infuriating at times. :-D

I am really glad that you are not missing Kim as much as you used to and that you are opening yourself up more. So am I, though I have not met anyone that I would like to start a relationship with yet. I am open to having one though. It's funny how you mention that you really kind of miss Kim as a friend not so much as a couple. I feel the same way. Like you, I still kind of feel the pain, but thank goodness it is no where near what it once was. The lovesick pain that would make me feel as if I was about to die, is pretty much gone. I just kind of miss Tim's friendship. I won't launch into one of my Tim cheers but suffice it to say he was an awesome friend. I miss that.

Who knows? Maybe I always will get kind of teary-eyed when I think of Tim. I think that is natural and I can live with it but I am also at a point where I have put things into their proper perspective and I am progressing well. I actually feel happy and so that is always a good thing. I am getting out more and spending time with friends both new and old. :-D

You are lucky, Mike, and I am very happy for you. You have a unique opportunity that I obviously don't. I hope that one day you and Kim can just be friends. As always, I wish you two well. :-D


Your job sounds fantastic! You lucky dog!! I am so glad to hear that they are continuing to treat you well. That must make you feel good. Keep up the good work.

I'm still enjoying my work. I love my job. My job allows me to help the less fortunate and so I love it. It's totally right up my alley. I am not too thrilled about my current position here in Sacramento. It's too administrative for me. It's still a good job. I am enjoying the chance to gain experience but I now know that this is a position that I would not be interested in. When I return to my old job, I will continue to apply for other supervisorial jobs that are local in my area but I now can rule out positions similar to this one.


So you want to buy a house? Good for you!!! Hey, nothing wrong with a fixer-upper. If you want to buy one in Orange County that's really what you may have to do. Everything is so expensive here. Not that you asked but I am going to give you some advice. :-D

I have been debating whether or not to buy again, too. It depends on a lot of things. People like me, who are looking to buy for investment purposes, should consider sitting it out for a while. Housing prices are just too high right now in Orange County to make it a safe investment for a small time investor like me. There are funds out there that can provide me with a aggressive return where I can park my money for a while. I really would like to buy another home and rent it out but I don't want to pay almost $300,000 for a one bedroom condo either. That's what a condo will cost me in South County or even in places like Tustin, Irvine, and more Central Orange County.

For someone like you, who might be searching for a home to actually live in, it;s different. You can go for it any time and just ride out the fluctating market. I'm in it to provide a balance to my investment portfolio, I am not yet looking for a home. I will be soon but just not right now.

I would advice you to perhaps wait until later in the year maybe even in early 2006. You see, interest rates are going up. They have to. Emerging market funds are forcing the Fed to slowly inch up interest rates. Mortgage interests rate are tied to 10 year treasury bond rates. So far we have not seen much action in bond rates that would affect mortgage rates but Greenspan has hinted that this, too will soon change.

For someone like you who is looking to purchase a home to live in, I would say, go for it. I would just maybe wait a few more months until we get to winter. Many people do not like to move during the winter months when it is colder and sometimes rainy. This will sometimes affect home prices negatively. In other words, it is harder to find a buyer for a home in December that it is in say, July. Southern California is slightly adverse to this type of thing but we do see a slight change in buying patterns.

House searches involve two separate but equally important things: searching for a good mortgage and searching for a good house. There are all flavors of mortgages out there. Interest only mortgages (I do not recommend), 30 year, 15 year, 10 year, fixed, adjustbale ARM, reverse mortgages, etc. Choosing a lender for your mortgage is something that you should play close attention to. Obviously not all lenders are the same but here is where you have the potential to lose money if you don't do your research well. I am guessing that you have good credit. You have never claimed bankruptcy, you don't have a high debt ration? Etc... You'll be able to tell for yourself once you run a credit report. Don't do that now. Do it when you would actually like to contact a lender and start searching for a mortgage.

The home that I purchase to actually live in will probably be a fixer-upper, too. Not sure that I want a futuristic look. I am not the greatest at decorating. I do know that I like simple. I don't really care for a country look. I tend to like wooden or tile floors. I don't like clutter and so I guess my decorating style would be considered contemporary. I am clueless. :-D

Some women get a big thrill out of doing stuff like that. You know... choosing new curtains or blinds, shopping for linen and china, remodeling the kitchen or the bathroom... I like that kind of stuff but I know that I am going to need help because I don't particurly care for choosing color schemes, rifling through carpet sample or anything like that.

Maybe it's because at home, well my mom does all that for me and when it came to Tim's place, he pretty much did all the decorating, too. I helped a bit but not much. I just kind of enjoyed the fruits of his labor. :-D

Anyway, maybe that will change when I am actually living alone. Things change when you are on your own. You live on your own, don't you? It's probably a lot different than living with your parents or a significant other that kind of takes care of household things for you. :-D

Gotta go. I hope that you and MB have a wonderful weekend. I'll talk to you guys soon!
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There was a bomb threat at Downey Savings next to our work's building today. We got sent home... Goodie. Let's me finish up some more work that I wanted to get done over the weekend :)

Michael
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Post by Mikey_ »

I got both of your e-mails and your private message. Will respond to them another time. Was at Hungtinton Beach for BBQ on Sunday with a few buddies and strangers :) Took a risky sunset shot while surrounded by water, but it was worth it :)

Going to San Diego this weekend, possibly also San Clemente for: horseback riding, biking, sailing, jet-skiing, camping, or whatever. Haven't finalized the details yet. Followed by Hiking, tidepooling, Museum hopping, and SeaWorld (my first time there ever) -- things I wanted to do for quite some time.

So, paragliding over water seems like something quite interesting. Maybe even khayaking along the shores and touch dolphins when they swim up to you. Not sure yet what to expect from SeaWorld, but I'm sure it'll be a lot of fun.

Hey, I've been taking a lot of steps in putting things together to sell my photos. There's still a lot to do, but I'm taking it one step at a time. They will be for sale very soon and people have already been lining up. What an encouragement this has been. We'll see how that goes.

In any case, take care :)

Michael
Last edited by Mikey_ on Sat Sep 10, 2005 9:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Lexi »

Hi Mike,

No need to reply to my emails. I know that you are busy. I have two documents to review before a meeting tomorrow and I don't want to read them... so I am not going to. :)

Instead, I came in here to see what you all are up to and I will skim the information early in the morning.

It sounds like you had a rough night. I have had those (still do sometimes :( ) and so I feel bad for you.

Soooo... how can I cheer you up? Tell me, I'll do anything. :-D You always do such a good job of cheering me up, it's only fair that I return the favor.

O.k., how about a corny kids joke...

Question: Why wouldn't the skeleton dance?

Answer: He didn't have the guts!

Ha! Sorry! I know that was pretty lame... my friends little girl told me that a few weeks ago... o.k., give me a few minutes, I'll come up with a better one. :)

Wow! I admire your will power in not calling your ex back. I am proud of you for that. Even though I hope that you two somehow make amends and become good friends or even a couple again some day, I have to say that I am glad that you decided to not call her back. You need more time alone to just kind of breathe. I know it's hard... You'll always care about her Mike, she was your best bud and one of your first romantic relationships. Hopefully, one of these days, you'll just kind of meet someone new who will be a good friend as well as a great partner for you.

I remember everything you said about the rebound stuff and so I am sure you still need time or whatever but at the same time I know that your next relationship will kind of help you erase Kim from your memory. Good luck!!

I am familiar with feeling alone in the world. I feel alone and lonely even when I am with family or close friends. It's a strange feeling. It's also an unpleasant feeling. I have to say that this feeling of being alone has matured me quite a bit. Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but feeling alone has kind of made me grow up a bit. I know that my family loves me but ever since Tim left I don't feel a part of anyone's circle including my family circle. Tim and I had kind of started a family of our own even though we were not married. As for friends, well, I still have them but it's still not the same as being and spending time with a partner.

Luckily, like I said, this feeling of being alone has kind of matured me and everyday I feel a little bit better and more better equipped to cope and move on.

You are correct. I try not to hold the pain inside. I mean, I love Tim. I always will love Tim and I am so hurt that he is gone. This wasn't supposed to happen...

One of the things that has been helping me heal and kind of stop the mind-numbing pain is exploring and coming to grips with my feelings of hurt, guilt and anger over what happened, our relationship, and just well everything.

For a long time I was feeling really guilty that I was not with him when he died. This was eating at me. I wanted to have been with him during his final moments so badly that the pain was just kind of killing me. My mind raced around and around trying to figure out when his final moments were and wondering to myself why the Hell didn't I call him sooner. Would it have made a difference had I been there? You know, those kind of things will keep you up at night feeling sick to your stomach. The guilt over this was making me absolutely sick. The coroner was not able to determine an exact time of death. The coroner did nothing but break my heart over and over again with their inability to give me facts or details of what happened to Tim. I was going crazy, Mike. The guilt was driving me bananas. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't anybody's fault but all the unanswered questions weighed upon my consious for some time. It just hurt.

I'd like to say that I am over this particular guilt. I am over it. Not completely over it but I have come to terms with it. I didn't seek any grief counseling on this or tell anybody except for Tim's dad about my thoughts on this. I just gradually snapped out of it and realized what I always knew deep in my heart: there was nothing I could do to help Tim. It wasn't my fault for not being there to call a paramedic. I didn't know that he was in trouble. It wasn't anybody's fault. Coroner said that he believed it might have been some kind of a blood clot or brain aneruism but he wasn't 100% sure. Blood clots come quickly and go quietly uninvited and it's over within a few seconds. I think I have dealt with my feelings on this and I feel o.k. about it.

I missed him so much, Mike. I felt as if, I don't know what I felt. I felt as if I was here but at the same time I wasn't. Missing him hurt so badly that I couldn't feel anything. Nothing. It was such a strange feeling to not feel anything. I am usually so easily amused, excitable, and happy to be alive.

Then, more recently, during the later parts of my healing and self-reflection I started to feel a little bit guilty again. This time for a very different reason. I love Tim. He was an excellent first boyfriend and an absolutely phenomenal best friend.

I will always love Tim but the more I learn about myself and the more I actually grow, the more I have to be honest with myself. Being honest with myself means coming clean with things that I know to be true yet still are painful to admit. One of the things that I found extremely difficult to admit to myself, because I love Tim so, was that he would not have made me a good husband and I would not have made him a good wife. I hate admitting this. It makes me unhappy to admit this but it is true.

Admitting to myself that Tim was not the right man for me is both liberating and painful. I am not sure if you can understand that. Do I still want him back? You betcha! I'd give everything I own. I'd sell my soul for the chance to be with him again. But I am also now at a stage where I am trying to be honest with myself and I am searching for tools to help me to move on. Honesty is one of those tools. I love Tim with all my heart. I miss him so much that I feel my heart constrict at the mere mention of his name. I miss his companionship. I miss his smile. I miss his conversation. I miss knowing he loved me more than anything in the world. He was good to me. I also know deep within my heart that I was not the right girl for him. I think that Tim and I would have gotten married because we loved each other and we would have been able to live with each other just fine but neither one of us would have ever been truly happy.

There are a lot of different reasons why I feel that this is true but I won't go into it. It's between Tim and I and well those reasons are part of the reason that we shared such a special bond as best friends.

So you see, I still feel pain. A lot of it. I want my best friend back, plain and simple. It's going to hurt until the day I die that he's gone. BUT... I am getting older and learning more about myself every single day and well, I think that things happen for a reason. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking forward to my future and I am optimistic that the next time around that I embark on a relationship, things will be different for me. Different in a good way. :-D

Like you, there are days that I still feel very much alone, but I think that is to be expected as when you think about it, I am single and I have no kids, that means that I actually am alone in the world. I think I am doing o.k. though. I am still taking it one day at a time. Pre-Tim. Post-Tim. It's all been such a wild ride... I can't wait to find someone new. :)

Paragliding over water!?! That sounds like sooOOooo much fun!! I have always wanted to do try that. It's probably the closest you will ever get to the sensation of flying. You have to tell me how that goes if you decide to try that. Be careful!!

San Diego? San Diego is one of my favorite places. I love going to Sea World. In fact, I am thinking of getting a year round pass in January. I will either get one to Disneyland or Sea World... not sure yet which one. I'll decide later. :-D

Your photos are gorgeous, Senor Yuen. :-D You should as top dollar for them. In fact, if you decide to sell them, I would like to bid on the one you took in DC.

Much more to say but I better go. Have a good night and I will talk to you soon.

Have a wonderful week!!!

Take care,

Lex
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Post by Mikey_ »

:)

I'm leaving for San Diego tonight and will return Monday evening.

See you around!

Michael
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Post by Mikey_ »

Hello from San Diego :) I accidentally locked my car all the way up on the mountains facing the San Diego bay at 7pm... Was distracted by the AWESOME sunset when I left the keys in the trunk. Hmph.

The trip's been a BLAST so far -- I've definitely learned to take advantage of trips better :) Relaxing, fun, very fulfilling. Will be waking up in about 7 hours for SeaWorld later today :)

Ciao! MB's saying hi too! We had to skip the boating or water sports since we sort of took our time elsewhere -- it's all good though. One of the girls also didn't know if she'd get sea sick. Perhaps next time.

Michael
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Post by Mikey_ »

Hello!

Finally got the time to reply to your e-mails and messages. Good to hear that you're coming home soon! And of course, should you decide to take that job in Sacramento, go for it. Go for your dreams, but do so wisely. And if you do screw up, "screw it." Learn from it. Get better. :)

I'm proud of the things you've been doing with Tim's stuff. I know how liberating, yet devastatingly difficulty and sad, it can be freeing yourself of things that remind you of him. No matter how much you get rid of though, he'll always be there somewhere -- your heart, your memories, places you both held dear. Being thankful for those memories isn't wrong and as such, there's no need to fight them to the point of exhaustion.

I'm glad you've finally realized what I shared with you long time ago. It does take time for one to see what others have said, and you'll only realize it on your own -- not by someone repeatedly telling you what to believe. It took me a long, long time too to realize and learn what I know now. There's no turning back, but the events of past do make you stronger.

I gave MB your e-mail about you coming back to OC on the weekend of the 23rd. Feel free to private message each other about a meeting date/time. Perhaps I'll join too depending on my work schedule -- our company will be moving around that time during which we'll definitely be doing a LOT of overtime. Perhaps during lunch time.

So, what's new with me? In short: nuttin'. Been hiking, khayaking, cooking. Planning on hiking again soon. Perhaps khayaking again to meet up with Dolphins at Dana Point. Scuba diving certification lessons in early October. Snowboarding for the winter. Lots of overtime helping our company move to our new facilities. Seafood dinner soon with a few friends and co-workers.

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Huntington Beach

Haven't found a suitable condo yet. I've done some research and took a lot of people's advice to heart -- I'll wait until the end of the year before I resume my search for a nice fixer-upper home. In the meantime, I'll continue to save for the down payment. My apartment lease is up soon. I'm not sure yet how much I'll be able to afford for mortgage payments as I have recently signed up to give 20% of each paycheck towards my 401K.

Have lots of things to eBay off to further simplify my place and get rid of things I no longer use. I have yet to go through mom's junk and sell off whatever can be sold. Only then will I feel a bit better -- only then will I feel that some order is back :)

Watched Forrest Gump earlier today. The movie is striking me more so than ever today for various reasons. It was nice to see the Reflecting Pool in the movie as it wasn't too long ago I was there. I've also found that the scene where Forrest sits on the bench to tell his life tale was filmed in Savannah, Georgia. Some scenes in South Carolina, some at USC. But I think that if I were to go somewhere, New England would be my next destination of travel. Europe's still way too expensive for now.

Limeade. Mmmm... Yeah, one of those random thoughts ;)

I haven't had the chance to post up the Washington DC trip pictures yet, but here are a few from my recent San Diego trip:

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MB and some of my co-workers

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No comment.

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What are you looking at?

I had a lot of fun and wouldn't mind going somewhere again, but got to save up some cash first. New England, Yosemite, Hawaii, China, Australia, ... Tempting, tempting.

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Cabrillo National Monument Tidepool

The hike at Cabrillo was unfortunately a bit short as time just flew by like a Concorde under steroids. But that same evening is when I locked myself out of the car a few minutes following the shot taken below:

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And then SeaWorld...

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Shamu Show - Killer Whales

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Rescued Mantees

That's all for now :)

Michael
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Post by Lexi »

Hi Mike and MB,

These are great photos. It looks like you guys had a really good time. Isn't San Diego the greatest? I used to hang out there with my nephew a good deal. He and I would have such a blast. My nephew and I are very close. He's such a good kid and I simply adore him.

I went to a mixer (even though I don't drink and I find cocktail parties boring as Hell) at Arnold Schwarzengger's pent house in San Diego not too long ago. It was soooOOooOOo boring! I just wanted to get back to my hotel room . I was so pissed because my friends were having a good time at Sea World and I was stuck at this really lame event. By the time I could make my escape, Sea World was closing and my friends were on their way back to the hotel. It sucked! I did get time to play the next day though and so I guess it was not so bad.

I'm exhausted. I've been helping ffriends and my sister move into their dorms at UCLA.
Much more to say about work, life, etc. but it have to wait for another day.

The pictures are awesome and I am glad to see that guys had a good time. Mike, I like your white t-shirt. It looks like the t-shirt that I sleep in during the summer. Hmmm... so comfy! :)

Take care,

Lexi
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Post by Mikey_ »

Comfy it is :)
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Post by Lexi »

Wow! I just wrote a huge, looOoOOong message in here and clicked preview and it disappeared. Oh well! I am having brunch with my family before they drop me off at the airport. I'll come back in here some other time. Have a great week!! :-D
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It's a good habit to copy the entire text into memory if you write long messages. I've done something like what you just did a few times too. It sort of hmm... sucks, but it's part of computing.
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Post by Mikey_ »

Yesterday was a BLAST. I had a great time kayaking and then making a full-out seafood dinner with a few friends and acquaintances (6 people total.)

Of course, I experimented with cooking again and came up with 3 shrimp recipes (winged them from scratch) where 2 of them became instant favorites. Woo! There was still a lot of food left over, but that didn't matter -- the best part of the evening was getting together and enjoying ourselves.

Kayaking was a bit on the slow side, but it was all worthwhile anyway. Planning to hike again soon and visit a few old friends/ex-coworkers in Anaheim -- haven't seen them in ages. I'll be there to take a class to refresh my Cisco technical knowledge.

Ciao!

Michael
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yummy...

Post by mb_rockstar »

you know mike, you should start posting your recipes, before you forget them. ;)

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