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Long Distance relationships
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Mikey_
Life is good. Be inspired.
Life is good. Be inspired.


Joined: 04 Oct 2003
Posts: 1322
Location: Fountain Valley, California (USA)

PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 8:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lexi,

Please excuse my writing tonight. I'm a bit tired and the words may not flow nicely...

So, how did we meet? It was over 7 years ago at Fullerton Community College in Chinese Class. Across the room, there she was: magnificent, beautiful, full of joy and sunshine. I remember the shy me dropping my head to the table in utter shyness and awe. Her laughter rang bells in my ears even to this day.

Okay, enough of the mushy stuff. Indeed, I was a very shy person at that time. I liked her a lot -- her personality really shined through across the room. The energy and the passion the brought to the class was just magnificent.

In that class, I only had one chance to talk to her: when we had to describe a personal photo to each other in Chinese. It was also a few nights afterwards where a male picked her up from class when my heart just dropped to the ground in disappointment: she was taken, so I thought. I believe it was the older brother of one of our mutual friends back then.

A year passed and we never saw each other again until in Business Writing class at Cal State Fullerton. (Yup, just like you, it was a writing class.) I knew nobody in the classroom, but that didn't matter. The moment I laid foot in the room, what caught my eyes immediately was ... the sun? No, her!

I really wanted to sit next to her, but the shy me took over and decided to sit a row in FRONT of her instead. (This very same thing repeated itself a year later at the movie theater -- more about that later.)

Eventually, we got together to form a group to do a class project. That's when we started talking more and got to know each other. One of our biggest strengths is that we both are creative, are not slackers, and get the job done above and beyond the call of duty. We bonded very quickly and became best friends.

At that time, she was still not over her ex-boyfriend yet (he left her over a year prior to that day.) As it turned out a year later, I found that he was a player: he actually dated TWO women on the very same evening! She did not believe me at first, but I think that she now does. He was using her... We never talked about him again as it hurt her a lot. It sometimes tore me apart not knowing what happened to her in the past -- I wanted to share tha pain with her, but I knew that bringing it all up would not be a good idea.

One night, I took her to the beach with helium balloons and notecards. I wanted her to write down everything she loved and hated about her ex on those cards, tie them to the balloons and let them go. I wanted to help her move on... She didn't want to do that at all. My heart dropped in sadness at that time.

I think you probably have read about this in previous posts before: I looked for her car every single day to drop off a note with jokes and motivational quotes (of which I still have a copy in my folder of memories) on her windshield. It was REALLY difficult to find her car daily as the parking lot was so large!

I also bought her a large Tigger doll for her birthday. She loved it and even to this day she is sleeping with it in her bed (I think.)

I realized that I was in love with her... So, while I was working at Sam's Club in Fullerton, I decided to wow her with the biggest project I had ever set my mind to:

I created 2,001 paper cranes to symbolize our graduation year of 2001. I also made over 3,000 paper stars (or was it 5,000? I don't remember) for her birthday because I knew she loved them. This entire process took 1.5 years and a LOT of time, energy, effort, and pain. My fingers were just hurting during this entire time... Not even the piece of cloth I ripped to protect my fingers would help.

While all of this was going on, two years of best friendship had already passed. The latter year of that period was extremely painful for me: I kept asking her to give me a chance for a date. She always refused, but I didn't want to give up. A year later, I just couldn't take it any more and asked her if we would EVER have a chance for a date. She said "no." That was one of the most painful moments in my life.

The turning point came on February 18, 2000 when we decided to drive to San Francisco together for a little vacation. I never booked a hotel before and didn't realize that you can only check in between 1pm and 9pm. We arrived in San Francisco around 1am and weren't allowed to check in. So, we slept in the car instead...

When we woke up late morning, that's when she looked at me, smiled, hugged me (I can still remember the feeling of that first hug), and I hugged her back. We were in LOVE! February 19, 2000, in other words, became our anniversary date.

Months later, I was finally able to hand all the origami I created to her for her birthday, and she kept the jar ever since.

A year later, she created 367 stars as well, with two of them colored in blue and yellow, respectively, to symbolize our first anniversary (365 days) and her and me (Yellow and Blue -- our respective favorite colors.)

Despite all these events, our relationship started off on a wrong foot. We never had an official first date, we never went through a courtship/ flirting phase, and I focused too much on the wrong issues that I thought were lacking in our relationship (I know better now.) These issues caused frustration on her part, which in turn caused frustration in me even more. The vicious cycle never stopped and we started to annoy each other. However, she never gave up. She loved me no matter what.

I tried to break free from the relationship 3 times, but each time she cried and wanted to stay a couple, I took her back. I just couldn't see her hurt -- I did love her that much.

I always thought that I was missing out as she was my first and only girlfriend. I always compared her to traditional female roles and to other females.

Over time, I became lazy and unappreciative. I became blind and numb to all the things she did for me. Once in a while though, my love came out and I wrote her notes on how much I loved her (in one of my previous posts, I mentioned this as well.)

So, July 10, 2004 -- after a beach party -- the last straw was broken and I decided to leave for good. That night she was upset about nobody having helped her out at the beach while she was cooking the food. She unfortunately didn't remember that I offered to take over a couple times and that she kept refusing, asking me to have fun instead. In any case, although I decided to leave, deep inside my heart though, I knew that she was the right one for me -- but I didn't want to listen to my heart. I chose to listen to my head instead... to go out and see what's out there. To leave the prison that was our deteriorating relationship. It felt good to leave. I felt free, confident, happy -- but despite all that, there was always this sadness in me. Something was always missing and I always knew that my heart still was holding a special place for her all this time.

3 months passed. She was in a lot of hurt and pain and I just couldn't see her like that any more. I decided that because I didn't know how long it would take me to find myself and find what I wanted, that I'd encourage her to move on instead. She didn't.

I eventually decided to introduce her to my new friend to help her ease her pain.

A week later when I took a step back to re-evaluate what I was doing, I realized that all this time I *DID* love her and that I was focusing on the wrong things that shouldn't have been issues in the first place. I felt completely bad and apologized to her profoundly for hurting her so much, but at that time, I did not trust myself to get back with her in fear of hurting her again (she and I went through a rollercoast ride of "boyfriend/girlfriend - just friends" every single day.)

I told her once again to move on. I just didn't trust myself to not hurt her emotionally again.

Two days passed and I came to realize that I really, really DID love her. I was determined to apologize to her once again and tell her that I was back -- that I finally found myself and the one who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was a smelly, hungry man emerging from a dense forest he had been lost in for so long, ready to hug someone who he truly loved all this time.

I decided to make changes in my life. To surprise her with my newfound realization and to show her that I was ready to make up for everything I did to cause her so much pain. I decided to make personal, career, and living changes. I was ready to tell her the next day after going khayaking with a few friends.

Unfortunately, that very same day, I noticed that she was different. She was very secluded. Something changed, but what?

That night when we went shopping for hiking boots to go hiking the next day, we got into an argument when she decided not to buy one for herself. As I later found out, she is the type of person who doesn't like making last-minute purchases when it comes to shoes. In hind sight, it shouldn't even have been an argument in the first place, but I really wanted her to go hiking with us when I'd share the good news with her. But I decided not to tell her until things would cool off -- until a few days later -- but by the time I did tell her, she did change: she was moving on. She had decided a few days ago not to come back to me any more.

That was 9 weeks ago.

Today, I have learned that she caught the interest of the friend I introduced her to. There's a whole separate story about him that I'm not going to get into. The short story is, he's no longer my friend and I do not know what his true intentions are with my ex-girlfriend. People have told me that he's a player and did a lot of bad things in the past. I can only hope that my ex won't be hurt. I've already warned her about him and whatever she decides to do, it's up to her.

She also knows that I do truly love her and that I'll be here for her whenever she needs me. I don't know for how long though. I've been in so much pain for quite some time.

I've also come to realize that I'm a good guy. That's where the previous posts come in.

Most memorable moment? The first hug and kiss in the car in San Francisco. I took her to SF every single year ever since for our anniversary ... except this year.

February 19, 2005 would be our 5th anniversary and 8th year of knowing each other.

Okay, gotta go work out...

Nite nite.


Last edited by Mikey_ on Wed Dec 15, 2004 5:24 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Lexi
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 11:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Michael,

Wow! I am not sure where to begin. Your story actually made me cry. I am such a crybaby. Agh! You have no idea what a crybaby I am these days… I hate it…

You know, I am not quite sure what to say to you other than, I am so very sorry and I hope that you and your ex can somehow talk things over. I can’t help but feel as if there is still a chance for you two lovebirds.

You and I have some things in common and at the same time we don’t have anything in common at all. I feel as if we both have badly bruised hearts but for entirely different reasons. It’s kind of funny how you met your ex in a business writing class. I met my boyfriend in a business writing class, too. What’s up with these business writing teachers playing cupid!?!

Your story of your favorite and most memorable date was very charming. I had many memorable dates with my boyfriend, too. I can tell that you really love your ex girlfriend. I guess what I don’t understand is why you guys can’t give this thing another try.

Isn’t your love worth it? Have you told her that you love her and want to be with her again? Does she know that you love her and adore her and hold her in such high regard? Does she know that you want her back? Honestly, if I were your girlfriend and read all the nice things that you have written in your posts about me, I would have absolutely melted in your arms. It is so obvious that you love this woman. I am just not sure what exactly is holding you two back. I guess I just don’t understand why you two can’t be together anymore. People make mistakes all the time. It’s natural. We are human. It’s all part of growing up and learning about ourselves.

You see, Michael, there is something holding me back from mending my broken heart; the love of my life is gone forever. He is dead. No matter how much I cry and despair over this, I can’t change this fact. You don’t have this problem. Your girl is still here. You have a chance to make things right.

I guess I am just not clear on what is holding you back from being with your ex girlfriend. I don’t want to delve into your private life more than you care to share with me but it seems to me that if you really wanted to, you could convince this girl that you love her and are ready to make a go of this again. Would you really want to make a go of this relationship again? You don’t have to answer me on this one.

Trust me, Michael. Your words are exactly what every woman dreams of hearing. In fact, I wish I knew who your girlfriend was so that I could tell her to come read your posting and see what a sweetheart you are. If you two really wanted it to happen, you would be together again right now. You know that don’t you?

You are young, my friend, and I trust that you know what is best for you at this point in your life. I just want you to know what a good thing a long heart to heart chat would be for you and your ex girlfriend. If you have not already had one with her, I suggest you try it. Your love is worth it. By the same token, perhaps being apart and giving each other some space to explore other things and other people could be a good idea, too. Trust what your heart says.

We both know how short life can be and at the risk of sounding preachy or clich?-y, you must enjoy every moment of it when you can. I am trying to teach myself this as I still cry broken heartedly all the time over my loss. My heart is still in tatters (probably always will be) but I am learning to enjoy little things one day at a time again. I’m trying to get over it and take my own advice and just move on. It is not always easy. November, December, and January are painful months for me these days. Our anniversary was on November 1st: a day full of searing, white hot pain for me. He died on December 18th. That day now has me wishing I could crawl in bed and never come out. And his birthday is January 20th… need, I say more? I am trying to grow stronger every day and all I can say is that I am taking it one day at a time.

Listen, I better get some sleep. I have to go to work tomorrow. This has been a thoroughly enjoyable “conversation” even if it has been a bit draining.

Hey! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings! I wish you continued happiness and a trim waistline!! big grin

Later,

Lexi
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Mikey_
Life is good. Be inspired.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2004 3:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lexi,

I'm flattered that the story made you cry. It made me sap in regret and in loving memory for a long time even before it was written.

Why won't we give it another try? I know her reasons and I have my reasons to DO try, but at this moment, I feel that the wall of pain that she built to protect herself from being hurt by me again will continue to be up, blocking what's been happening on the other side of that very same wall. In other words, no matter what I say or do, that wall will be between us for some time to come.

Yes, I have told her on multiple occasions that I very much love her and am willing to try again now that we both got wiser. In fact, in the past few long talks that we had at my apartment, she was visually able to see how much my body was just trembling in pain and sadness. Yup, love hurts. But you know, I love her enough to WANT her to be happy and so I am accepting that she's happier without me right now. What happens in the future is anyone's guess.

I'm sorry to hear about all these important dates, particularly the one in 3 days. I wish there's something I could do, but unfortunately I can't. Spend some time with your friends. It might help out...

I'll be going to watch a free screener of Coach Carter at the AMC at the Block tonight. It'll be interesting to see how good it is smile

I also can't wait for the last day of my job -- I've been suffocating there for a very long time, although I've been able to cope with everything far better now.

So, did you go on a mini vacation yet? San Francisco?
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 15, 2004 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Michael,

Nope, I have not gone on my mini vacation yet. I leave January 13th for my mini vacation and I come back on January 16th. I am not going far. I am simply going to Santa Barbara for a few days. I love it there. It's very relaxing.

I hope you have a good time tonight. I have not yet heeard of the film you mentioned. You'll have to let me know what the general plot is and wether it is any good or not.

Ooh! Switiching jobs? I am not sure what you do for a living but I am guessing it has to do with computers. Best of luck!

I better go. I just got back from having dinner that ran a little late at the Rainforest Cafe in Downtown Disney. I have work to do before a meeting tomorrow morning... yuck!

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words of advice.

Have a happy holiday!

Lexi
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Mikey_
Life is good. Be inspired.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2004 11:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello,

You (and anyone else who frequents this forum) are welcome to join us Snowboarding sometime smile

Yup, I'm switching jobs -- will stay in IT though. A bit stressful at times, but that's what I've been training myself for all these years. It'd be a shame to put all the education and experience away.

Rainforest Cafe in Downtown Disney! Ooooh... it's been almost a year since I last went there! What did you eat?

This is what I learned tonight: All the things that you are missing of doing with your boyfriend/girlfriend -- let it hurt. Let it be painful. It's only then when you realize how much you value those activities/ feelings. Feel that pain so that you remember to share those with your next boyfriend/ girlfriend. He or she will thank you for that smile

My lessons learned:
- Silence is ok. You don't have to talk or try to make jokes to fill silence. It'll only make you look like a fool and make you talk too much. I've realized that I tended to repeat things because I ran out of things to say.
- Treat her like no-one else is special whenever she's with you.
- I miss watching movies and cuddling up with my ex-girlfriend. Don't take it for granted next time.
- Pay attention to her and make her your priority. In fact, I have made life my priority over career for now (that doesn't mean I will drop career goals completely though.)
- Treat her like no-one else is special whenever she's with you.
- My ex took a lot of time and effort cooking for me. The least I can do is help her cook -- or better yet, learn how to cook better dishes and serve her once in a while. (I tended not to cook because she didn't like my food. Well, I'm learning how to cook better nowadays... for myself for now... and for my future girlfriend.)
- Some things aren't worth arguing about. Pick your battles.
- Be punctual. smile
- Treat her like no-one else is special whenever she's with you.

smile

Michael
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mb_rockstar
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2004 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

that's good to hear about your lessons learned. i'm beginning to realize a lot of that myself.

i too have learned a lot this month:

- it's ok to be alone. you don't always need to have someone by your side. enjoy your time.

and of course the stuff mike listed, which i'm not going to repeat.

going to vent a bit....

for me, being alone for the first 2 weeks was nice. i felt like i could breathe. i had the freedom i've always wanted. to do and go anywhere i wanted to go without getting approval or judged. i felt like a strong independant person. i didn't need anyone to make me happy right now. i just wanted to be me.

after being alone for a whole month, i went through a little emotional phase. it's sad to compare last year to this year. i had wonderful reliable friends that called me and we would have so many great times. this year, i feel like i've been abandoned. i mean, i have friends, but they're busy doing their own thing or who knows what.

this christmas eve (after work), i came home to nothing. my parents weren't even home. they were out partying at their friends place. i had no one to talk to or do anything with. kinda sad...but you know, after awhile i felt ok. i learned that it's ok to be alone. just because it's the holidays doesn't mean i "have" to be with anyone. it would be nice to have a loved one by my side or wonderful friends, but things happen and you just have to deal with it.

you should never be sad too long. you should enjoy what life gives you.

smile
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Life is good. Be inspired.
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

smile

You got my nunber, mb.
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello Michael,

Thank you for the snowboarding invitation. I have always wanted to try that but just never got around to it. I might take you up on that offer after tax season. During the first two months of the year I volunteer at my mom?s church (don't worry I am not a religious fanatic! big grin ) filing taxes for free for low-income people in the community. I only do this in January, February, and a couple of days in April. It?s very time consuming though because there are hordes of low-income folks at my mom?s church and not enough volunteers. Oh well, I do the best I can. But thanks again for the invite. If the offer is still open later on in the year, I will certainly take you up on it.

I ate pizza at the Rainforest cafe. I am such a pizza lover. It is my opinion that there is no such thing as a terrible tasting pizza. I had a 3 cheese pizza with basil. It was soooo good! It was also huge and so I had enough leftovers to snack on during the movie afterwards. It was great!

I enjoyed reading the lessons that you are learning. It sounds like your break-up with your girlfriend is maturing you quite a bit. This is great news! Michael, your next girlfriend is going to be a really lucky girl. I agree with many of the things that you have listed.

Silence is o.k. with me, too. I am a quiet person. I do love to talk with friends but I am equally happy with silence. I don?t think that I have ever been much of a chatterbox. I do enjoy conversation though.

I totally miss watching movies and cuddling during a movie, too. I loved going to the movies and renting them, too. I think he enjoyed renting movies better because we usually got comfortable sprawled in a tangle of arms and legs, on the bed, to watch the movie. I think that one of the most wonderful and peaceful feelings in the world are to lay down your head on your lover?s chest and just chat or watch movies together. It was so peaceful just to lay there and listen to his heartbeat while watching a movie. I miss the cuddling during a movie like you would not believe.

And yes, you are right. Some things are not worth arguing about it. I learned to pick my battles, too. You have to. Tim and I had personalities that were worlds apart. We learned early on in our relationship that respecting each other was going to be key in making things work. We didn?t seem to have some of the same issues as it sounds like you might have had with your girlfriend. That?s not to say that our relationship was perfect. Our relationship was far from perfect; we were so different it was kind of strange that we even fell in love. We had a strong, loving foundation that helped steer us in the right direction.

I have a feeling that you are an excellent boyfriend. I know that you are probably in a great deal of pain right now. Believe me, I know all about it. If you can imagine your pain multiplied by 100, you will have a small inkling of what my pain is. I totally know what you mean when you talk about some of these things that you are learning about yourself and your relationship. I have been doing quite a bit of self-reflection myself. You sound as if you are doing well and are the type of guy that any girl would like to date. I hope that your ex wakes up and takes you back before it is too late and you move on. She better be careful or someone else will snatch you up. I?m still not clear as to why she is unwilling to work things out with you. You guys were together for such a long time and it seems so obvious that you love this woman that it seems a little strange to me that you two can?t just let bygones be bygones. Maybe it is for the best and there are wonderful experiences out there for you. I certainly wish you the best and hope that this is true. I?m keeping my fingers crossed that you find the woman of your dreams soon.

I have discovered that I would prefer to be alone right now. I am still madly and deeply in love with my fianc?e and I think it is best for everyone involved for me to remain alone right now. You know why I decided to give Eharmony a try? I was afraid. I wanted to put my emotions to the test. I am a little bit afraid that I won?t be able to feel the type of love that I feel for my fianc?e for someone else. Do you ever have that fear? My heart is shattered into a million pieces because he is no longer in my life and I felt afraid. I decided to try to force myself to date someone, anyone, just to see if I could get over my grief and learn to love again. This is unfair of me and I don?t know why I even considered it. I think I just sort of panicked.

I am coming along little by little everyday and that is the best I can do right now. Everyday I feel that I grow stronger emotionally but I am not quite where I need to be to attempt to be in a relationship again. I don?t want to jump into something just because I am afraid and lonely. You know what I mean? There have been quite a few changes in my life the last year or so and it is perfectly o.k. for me to want to pause, catch my breath, wipe my tears, and collect myself.

I think that when I finally get it together and want to actively seek a partner again, I will make a neat girlfriend, too. I?ve matured quite a bit since Tim died. It?s funny how my parents had been hoping and praying that I would settle down and behave myself for years and in a matter of seconds they got their wish when I learned that Tim had died. I feel like this whole experience has matured and somehow aged me. I still love to have fun and enjoy myself. I?m always up for fun, adventure, and new experiences. I just feel that I have a more grounded outlook on life that I think a potential new boyfriend would appreciate.

Today I went to the Getty Museum with a group of friends. I love museum hopping. I don?t know the first thing about art but I love to go to these places anyway. The Getty is so peaceful. I could stay there forever. I like checking out the weirdest things. I love the colors of the walls inside the museum. Their use of color to display the paintings interests me far more than some of the actual pieces of art. I totally dig looking at some of the antique furniture on display. I saw the coolest bed on display today. It belonged to a French aristocrat and it looked spectacular. It was a sky blue color with gold trim and layers of satin. It had a canopy and it was just so majestic looking. I hope that you don?t think I am a pervert but all I could think about was how wonderful it must feel to make love on such a bed. Those French people really knew how to pour on the romance! The bed was absolutely gorgeous! They also had some very interesting looking couches and beautiful clothing dressers from the 1700?s. I was fascinated! One of my companions on this trip to the Getty is handicapped and tires easily and so we didn?t stay long. After the tax season, I plan to make a trip back to the Getty to check out all the things that I didn?t get a chance to see today. I can?t wait!

I also saw several movies with friends this weekend. I?ll post about them later. I had a nice Christmas. I made it through a few rough days and I am totally ready for the New Year. Did you spend Christmas with your family? I hope that you had a great time!

I better go. I have to work tomorrow. I hope that you have a fantastic week and I am looking forward to hearing that your new job is treating you well.

Happy New Year!

Lexi

[EDIT: Yikes! You ladies should stop quoting quoted quotes in your replies or messages become a mess wink - Mikey]
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi mbrockstar,

I hear what you are saying about the not allowing yourself to be sad for, too long. I do think that this is sometimes easier said than done. I think time is a good remedy for sadness and believe that most people know what is best for themselves.

I do like your outlook though and I must say that I agree. I am looking forward to good things, picking up the pieces and moving on.

Sorry your Christmas Eve wasn't the greatest. It's great that you can keep such a positive outlook. It should hold you in good stead.

I hope that you have a truly fantastic New Year! big grin

Best wishes,

Lexi


[EDIT: Mikey]
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 26, 2004 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i know...and you got mine. i'm still waiting for you to call so i could come visit. Razz - Anime smile

i didn't want to disturb anyone during christmas because i assumed everyone was busy. but i guess it doesn't hurt to call to say hi. smile

Mikey_ wrote:
smile

You got my nunber, mb.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Lexi

yea, i try to always stay positive about everything. it doesn't help to be negative... i agree, it is easier said than done, but i've learned to mask my emotions over time. you'll never catch me frowning. Razz - Anime smile

yea christmas eve and christmas was the same. i was alone, but i used that time to relax and get better because i was sick.

i do predict that i will have a truly fantastic new year. i'm anticipating it. thank you and i wish the same for you too lexi and everyone here at hkss.

smile

[EDIT: Mikey]
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 12:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol* i took a picture in front of that bed 3 weeks ago. but my friend took her camera to cambodia so i have to wait til she gets back. i'll post it up when i get it. i love the getty as well. i love art...i love learning about new things. and you're so right, the getty is so peaceful. i wish it wasn't so far so i could go every week or go whenever i need some peace of mind.

smile

Lexi wrote:


Today I went to the Getty Museum with a group of friends. I love museum hopping. I don?t know the first thing about art but I love to go to these places anyway. The Getty is so peaceful. I could stay there forever. I like checking out the weirdest things. I love the colors of the walls inside the museum. Their use of color to display the paintings interests me far more than some of the actual pieces of art. I totally dig looking at some of the antique furniture on display. I saw the coolest bed on display today. It belonged to a French aristocrat and it looked spectacular. It was a sky blue color with gold trim and layers of satin. It had a canopy and it was just so majestic looking. I hope that you don?t think I am a pervert but all I could think about was how wonderful it must feel to make love on such a bed. Those French people really knew how to pour on the romance! The bed was absolutely gorgeous! They also had some very interesting looking couches and beautiful clothing dressers from the 1700?s. I was fascinated! One of my companions on this trip to the Getty is handicapped and tires easily and so we didn?t stay long. After the tax season, I plan to make a trip back to the Getty to check out all the things that I didn?t get a chance to see today. I can?t wait!

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 2:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

mb, which reminds me... when will you be up in joining us for snowboarding? smile I'll be purchasing 6 more tickets to Mt. High tomorrow smile

Lexi,

Skiing/Snowboarding season unfortunately usually ends in March, before tax season ends frown It's kind that you're volunteering to do taxes for free. I've discovered that Quicken and other companies offer free online tax filing if you're making less than a certain amount. Directing some computer-savvy families online to do taxes may help alleviate some of the tax-crunch stress and also would help a family feel like they have accomplished something (I've found myself to be happier doing my own taxes than going through a specialist, although I may not earn as much back on my own.)

Pizza. Yum! Reminds me of the Turtles haha... I've told myself to keep pizza consumption to a minimum as part of my quest to look better. Sometimes I do cheat though wink (Hey, life would be boring otherwise, right?)

You cannot believe how much I miss cuddling up while watching movies too. In fact, so much that I actually REFUSE to watch movies on my own at home, always feeling guilty if I do, especially movies that I *KNOW* my ex would enjoy watching (eg. Mulan 2, Mickey Mouse and the Three Musketeers, Chinese movies, and so many more.) Sometimes I actually also subconsciously refuse sleeping on the bed because it brings back too many memories (I can sleep anywhere -- so, that's not too much of a problem.)

You are right about respecting each other to work things out. My ex and I are different in many ways too and one thing I learned was that as we became more and more wary of our relationship, I became less respectful. This, of course, became a vicious cycle leading into the break-up. Even now when I try to just be a really good friend for her, the disrespect she's been showing me has been quite difficult on my heart as well. Sometimes I actually wonder if I should even TRY to be her good friend any more because she's been treating me more like a disrespected acquaintance.

Fear can cause people to do many things that they might regret later. One, dating someone out of fear or loneliness isn't fair to the other person. Frankly, there have been a couple interesting women at my previous workplace, and a couple females who seemed interested in me. But when it came down to it: I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE (it's okay to hurt MYSELF.) So, I actively refuse to date anyone at this moment also out of fear of rebound. I, too, am afraid that I would never be able to fall in love to the same degree as my ex any more, but you know: you should treat each relationship uniquely and NEVER compare with any past relationships. So, yes, the love you might feel in the future may not be the same as with Tim, but it'll hopefully be uniquely as strong, if not stronger.

For now, I keep telling everyone that I am only here for friendship even though my heart feels empty every single day, even when the day is spent with friends.

Impactful events do tend to improve -- not change -- a person. As one person once told me: People don't change. The core of oneself remains the same. Events simply add to that core. It's true! I thought I became a changed person, but the more I think about it and the more time passes, I realize that the core of me is still here: I'm a good person.

Mb and Lexi, you BOTH seem to have been lucky to have been at the Getty. I never actually heard of it. (hint hint?) That bed... haha, perverted? Nah. It's natural. Even I do that often. Since both MB and Lexi mentioned the bed, I'm actually curious as to what it looks like. Mb, tell your friend to send you the picture soon or else... Or else... hmm... Just, or else...!

Yup, I went home to spend Christmas with my family although dad had to work overnight frown We had shark fin soup and Hot Pot! Mmmm....! Mom also made some fish and Lobster for me. Helped her out a bit and asked her how she made that fish (told ya, learning how to cook.) I plan on making Ma Po Tofu for her sometime, and my immediate goal is to make this pasta dish recipe I found the other day. But first, gotta experiment with it on my own, then on friends, then on family smile I eat just about anything, even if it's bad. My parents raised me to never waste food as we used to become beggars during the civil war in Cambodia. All our money was taken away, as described in this essay I wrote at Fullerton College.

I haven't found a job yet, but did finish my new resume wink

mb, you never told me, but what happened with Long? You seem to have been in turmoil for quite some time. You could come by my place on Tuesday, if you want. Just don't be shocked to see my dying palm trees! hahaha... I overwatered them. Hmph. And I didn't re-pot them early enough. Hmph. And the roots weren't deep enough in the soil. And I allowed the spider mites to attack the trees for too long. Yup, learning about plants! It's just sad seeing the first palm tree dying slowly right before my eyes. It only had 1 branch left, which is already whithering right now too. frown The other palm tree also is dying -- I think it's mainly due to overwatering.

Luckily though, the bamboo plant has been growing happily smile I'm still sad about both palm trees dying frown The China Doll plant has been dying too and I didn't take action early enough (didn't know -- and still don't -- what to do!) I think I slowed down its death. Over watering?

Anybody up for tennis this coming Friday?

Blade: Trinity was so boring. Almost fell asleep a few times. May watch Meet The Fockers sometime wink

Hmm... what else is on my mind? Oh, Jamba Juice! Haven't had THAT for a while after I found out how many calories it has! You only lose about 230 calories after running for 15 minutes! Yikes! No wonder it's marketed as a meal REPLACEMENT. I always took it as a REFRESHMENT smile Just you wait, just you wait. Once my goal is reached, I'll then go back to my old ways of enjoying food and drinks again while continuing to work out (I have been able to maintain my weight for nearly a year now while still pigging out once in a while. I love to eat, remember, mb? smile Vegas? smile Ah, thinking about our boss, Romeo, still gives me nightmares at times hahaha....)

Hmm... 3am. Time to hit the sack.

Ciao!
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2004 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

mikey,

hmm...about snowboarding. not anytime soon. i'm not ready to face the slopes yet.

wow, you're kidding, you've never heard of the getty museum? you gotta go one of these days. it's a really nice place to visit. my friend doesn't have time to get online to send me the photo, but she should be back in like...a week or so....so, i'll get it then. hopefully. if i don't forget. smile

i'll give you a call on tuesday after work to see if you're still available. smile

aww....poor trees.... frown

tennis friday? no can do, working that day til 7pm. thanks though. smile

hahaha...oh yes...vegas. how could i ever forget. ack!

ooh...sleep time...so...tired. -_-
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 4:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mb,

Ha! How funny how you sound different in your post and in our phone conversation tonight haha...

So, I'll arrange for a tennis get-together with you and a few friends this Thursday. See you then smile

Michael
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 7:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Michael,

Thank you for sharing the story about your family. I have always been fascinated by the plight of people in underdeveloped nations. It’s amazing what some people have to go through just to survive. Many of us take things for granted because things are so much easier in the United States. I have done some traveling outside of the U.S. and it’s interesting to see how some of the other half live. I almost feel embarrassed for how easy my life is when I think about it.

This might sound selfish but I try not to think about how some of those people live. It makes me sad. I know very well that there are a great many injustices due to different socio-economic status. Your parents sound like real troopers. You and your brothers are lucky to have them. I have a great family, too. I have a very small family actually. My family tends to be very religious and conservative. I tend to be on the liberal side. I don’t always see eye to eye on issues with certain family members because of this but I do feel very loved by my family. I know that I am adored. I value my privacy though and sometimes out of concern for me, because of recent events in my life, my family tends to meddle. What can I say? I adore my family even if I do feel that they are all a little bit crazy and overprotective.

I wanted to thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and your feelings on your girlfriend with me. It really does help me. We seem to be going through similar experiences and I find it so helpful to hear that I am not the only one feeling some of these things.

You mentioned that you sometimes feel alone even when you are with a group of friends. This is something I can totally relate to. Don’t get me wrong, I love hanging out with friends. But you and I both know that it is not that same when your heart yearns for the company of a certain someone.

The watching movies thing. You have no idea… The first couple of times that I went back to a movie theatre with friends after Tim’s death, I was so grateful that the movie theatre was dark. It was Hell for me. I sat there with tears streaming down my face because I didn’t want to be there without him. I could not help it. It was just so awful to be there without him. I was used to going to the movies with him and holding hands or resting my legs on his or whatever. Sometimes, if there was no one sitting in front of us we would stretch our legs out in front of us and just get totally comfortable and cuddle. Sitting there alone was a nightmare. I was sooooo grateful for the darkness as I was having a really hard time gathering my composure. Luckily, I don’t do that anymore. I go to the movies all the time these days. I still would give anything for him to be sitting beside me but I can go to the movies now without it being a stressful ordeal for me. I still miss him dearly during these times, but it’s getting better one day at a time.

Your comment about not always wanting to sleep on your bed struck me as well. It’s really helpful to hear that you have some of the same thoughts as me because most of my friends don’t really understand what I am going through. I don’t try to tell them either. It’s not that I don’t trust them or anything like that. It’s just that I know that they wouldn’t really understand. Unless you’ve actually gone through this or something similar, you really don’t understand.

In the beginning I had a really hard time falling asleep, too. My body felt like it was actually craving his arms and my mind would just not shut off. I would eventually cry myself to sleep. The nights were tough. I still have a hard time falling asleep without his warm body next to mine. It’s getting better. It’s nice to hear your experiences because believe it or not it makes me feel better. Makes my feelings seem a little more normal. Thank you.

You mentioned a while ago that there were times that you trembled from the pain. Sorry! I totally got a kick out of that, too. Not because it was funny or I was somehow amused but because I totally tremble in pain, too. You know, when you’re feeling so much pain, you almost start to feel like you’ve gone insane from the pain. It’s just nice to know that all of this is normal. None of my friends have ever gone through anything like this and so I am kind of on my own on how to deal with the grief. My family is no help whatsoever.

I appreciate your words of advice on my next relationship. I think that is currently my biggest fear; being unable to feel the love that I feel for Tim for someone else. I’m going to need to work on this one a bit more. I really hope that I can be open and mature and move on. I’m certainly going to try. My heart still belongs to him though and so I will shelve this topic and bring it out later when I feel stronger. I think that time will help me solve this problem. I so appreciate your words of encouragement on this one.

I think your ex has good taste. Not only in her taste in men *wink* *wink*, but in movies! I love Mulan! big grin I have never seen Mulan2 but if you recommend it, I guess I will give it a try.

I’m not sure what to tell you about your girlfriend not currently treating you well. I know that there are two sides to every story. I try not to be a judgmental person and I am sure she has her reasons for behaving in this manner. I also think that you sound like a really good person and I would hope for you to surround yourself with people who reinforce that idea in you. It is my opinion that mistakes happen. She was your first girlfriend and I can tell that you learned a great deal from this experience. I hope that you don’t forget that you are a worthwhile person who will make mistakes throughout your life and it is perfectly o.k. to do so. Sometimes we just have to live and learn. Don’t you agree? Respect for one another is extremely important to me. I value it above all else. Just make sure to surround yourself with people who love and respect you. Don’t compromise on this. You deserve it!

I can’t believe that you have not been to the Getty. Oh my gosh! You poor deprived child! big grin

I’m going back, you know. I absolutely love it there. Maybe, if you have time, the next time I go you can come with. I’ll check back with you your availability on my next Getty trip. It’s really a place that everyone should visit at least once. Try to check it out with your friends when you have time.

So you are quite the chef? That’s cool. I can’t say that I am much of a cook but I do try. I usually stick to pasta dishes though. I love to eat much more than I enjoy cooking. I am so spoiled. My boyfriend spoiled me rotten and would never let me cook for us. He handled preparing all of our meals because he got off of work earlier than I did. It was just a natural thing. I like to cook, though. I just get off of work late most evening and find it easier to eat out. I am trying to eat healthier and may start eating in more… who knows… I spend a great deal of time at work, more so than ever before, and so I usually end up eating here and there with coworkers at work. I need to put myself on some kind of a diet to eat healthier but sometimes it’s hard. Some days I am so busy that I eat nothing all day and other days I snack all day. I don’t have a weight problem but I could use a healthier more stable diet. I’m not really as dedicated to it as you seem to be. Good for you. My boss and I have been exercising more. I think that exercise is what I really need. I lack energy at times and I feel better when I exercise. The only problem is that I am usually so tired from work that I don’t really pursue more exercise. We’ll see though. I have a friend who has been bugging me to go to the gym with her.

I will be at a conference at the Hyatt in San Diego through Friday. This is one of the things that I miss the most about having my fianc? around. My work sends me to really nice places for training and conferences in Riverside, Los Angeles, San Diego, Ventura and other neighboring counties from time to time. He would always try to meet me there so that I wouldn’t have to come home to a strange city and empty hotel room. It’s the pits without him. Last month I had to drive to Oxnard for a 2 day conference and if he had been there it would have been so much nicer. Oh well, I’ll survive, I suppose. I did convince a friend to meet me there on Saturday and we might go to Legoland on New Year’s Eve.

Las Vegas… you guys sound like you had a blast. I love Las Vegas. Not much of a gambler but I do enjoy the bright lights of the city and the shows, concerts and comedy acts. I have not been there in a while and I hope to make time to go back there soon.

Hey, I do recommend Meet the Fockers. I saw it this weekend and thought it was pretty cute.

Anyway, I am super hungry all of a sudden and I am going to go look for something to eat.

I hope that you have a great evening! big grin

Lexi
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 28, 2004 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i do???? how different?

well, also you gotta know that i've been sorta sick lately and i didn't sound like my normal self and it was super late....

um...thinking about tennis. it's going to be raining this whole week. so....i'm good with just staying in and watching a movie. i'll give you a call wed. smile

Mikey_ wrote:
Mb,

Ha! How funny how you sound different in your post and in our phone conversation tonight haha...

So, I'll arrange for a tennis get-together with you and a few friends this Thursday. See you then smile

Michael

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mb,

You sounded tired here and in the first few minutes I called smile After that, you sounded like a crazy person (what's new?) hehehe

Sorry to hear about what's happening at your place today. Let's meet up another time and with my buddies of Neliance smile

Lexi,

I think that's pretty normal that your family is being over-protective of you. My ex's parents have been with her as well, but I respect that, although sometimes it would have been nice for her to stay overnight and cuddle up. My parents are somewhat liberal, but also conservative in some aspects. I think that as long as our family doesn't get looked down upon ("give face"), they are fine with whatever.

I agree that it's sometimes hard to imagine how someone feels until you go through it yourself. Believe me, I never thought that love would do what it has been doing to me lately. I would have NEVER thought that I, someone with a pretty good immune system, would actually get love sick to the point where I had to go to the bathroom pretty much constantly, lose appetite, and a bunch of other things. Who would have known that love can make you SO sick that it physically affects you THAT bad? It was weird.

The other day, I realized when our relationship started to REALLY go bad. It was when I started working 14-18 hour shifts for nearly 2 years. I became tired, creativity and energy went down the drain, and whenever I went home, I just sat in front of the computer to relax. Career did get in the way, and that's why I decided to no longer work that many hours any more (80-120 hours/week!) once I'm in a long-term relationship again.

Prior to working those hours, I used to practically drive to my ex's workplace every day after work just so that we could see each other for a few minutes before we both went to our own homes. The places we went to, the things we did together... they all practically ceased after working those shifts, especially when stress and negative things started building up at work as the company came nearer and nearer towards bankruptcy.

Regardless, I shouldn't have let the drop in enthusiasm and energy from work affect the relationship, but it did. That's something I have been regretting a lot.

I don't know... from all the things I have realized that went wrong in our relationship, it almost seems logical to me that another try would definitely make it all work, but she's right: "We're on different pages right now." It will take time for us to see eye-to-eye again and what will happen then, neither of us know.

You know, a lot of people tend to rebound because they miss all the things that you miss about your significant other. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to hold someone again and to share and build dreams with... But I don't want to be in a rebound because it won't be fair for the other person.

Try not to worry about forcing yourself move on. Just let the pain be and just remember what wonderful things you will be able to bring to your next relationship. I think it's unhealthy to supress your feelings, but it's also unhealthy to linger on them. So, what I have done lately is to just let the pain hurt, the missing of my ex be felt, and cherish all the good and bad memories -- and after a while, just go do something else with thanks that you did get the chance to have had the life you had with the other person.

Mulan is one of my favorite Disney movies as well and I partially watched Mulan 2. It was actually pretty good, but I stopped watching it because of what I said before.

My ex is treating me a bit better now. She's really nice with me in-person, but at other times (usually on the phone), all I feel is a very, very cold shoulder treating me as if she and I are strangers. She has some very good reasons for moving on (believe me, I wasn't such an angel in our relationship either), and although I wish she'd just try it once more, her wish is something that I'll have to respect no matter how much that hurts. I basically got to the point where if she feels she won't be happy with me any more, then that's fine. I'll just try to be her best friend and help her grow in the ways I can, although I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do that with such strong feelings still lingering within. I am scared of the moment where all those feelings become so suppressed, that I won't have any more love left to give her. Again, that's why I suggested that you won't force yourself to move on and to just let the pain be -- because that will keep you human. I noticed that whenever I tried to suppress my feelings, I became cold and very quiet.

I'd love to go to the Getty sometime. Maybe you, MB, your friends, and me.

Chef? hahah... no, no, no, NO. Far from it! I do cook and enjoyed making meals for my ex, but stopped doing that because she never liked any of the food I made, with the exception of sandwiches. Doesn't mean I didn't try though. In fact, she actually started putting my cooking skills down a LOT in the beginning months following the break-up, not remembering that although my cooking skills are limited, at least I tried.

Now I'm simply learning to cook for myself because cooking good food has always been my goal. Just never took the time to to that smile

Pasta dishes? Are you Italian? Stick out tongue I primarily try to cook Chinese meals.

I'm not very dedicated with exercise lately either. Between January-May 2004, yes, I was. But definitely not after the break-up. My motivation primarily comes from my workout partners who keep pushing and encouraging me to go. That's why it's always helpful to go work out with your buddies smile

In fact, I'm still waiting for MB to join the workout routine smile (MB: You were supposed to come work out on Tuesday! smile)

What your fiancee did to meet you at your travel places was very sweet of him. That's romantic smile

I have to go now... buddies want to go work out smile

Had this red-skinned fruit with red seeds that look like corn the other day. Love to have them once in a while... What are they called? Pommenegranade? Something like that.

MB: never mind. Gotta go. They are pushing now. hahaha....

Ok, bye.

Michael

EDIT 12/31/04: I just visited the Getty Museum's website... The botanic garden caught my interest most particularly smile I also like the Getty Villa -- too bad it's under renovation until Fall 2005 frown
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 01, 2005 12:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Michael,

Yes, I suppose, I understood about the overprotective bit, too. My parents do love me and only want the best for me. That’s why I suppose they are constantly on what I have begun to refer to as “Lexi Watch”.

I was thinking about what you wrote about your difficulties with your ex girlfriend. I think you two will be fine. I honestly think that you guys may have a chance to rekindle this thing at some later date. Sometimes I feel as if people just kind of need space. Time to relax, get away from the situation, time to breath. Do you know what I mean? I know that you said that you were not an angel in this relationship either but don’t forget that nobody is perfect. Wouldn’t it be great if we were all perfect? This was your very first girlfriend and a learning experience for you both. As long as you feel you have learned from your relationship mistakes, you sound as if you might be on the right track. Honestly, I feel as if you have the potential to be a gem of a boyfriend and I so hope that you are able to make things work with your ex. Life is too short to be unhappy. I wish you lots of luck and happiness on this situation.

I didn’t have the same issues with Tim that you seemed to have with your ex. We were always very gentle with each other and very respectful. Respect is really important to me. We had our fights. Trust me, boy did we get into it from time to time. We simply had different issues. He never complained about the amount of time I spent at work. I have always worked longer ours than he did. In addition, I can get by on 4 hours of sleep and he needed like 10 hours of sleep, and so making time for each other was always a challenge. But we were always so eager to be with each other that the problems of the world just kind of fell to the wayside when we were together. It was almost unreal. Nothing mattered as long as we were together. The fact that he might have cooked something that I didn’t particularly care to eat took a backseat to the joy that I felt over getting the opportunity to share a meal with him and spend quality time with him. I loved just being with him and my time was usually so limited that each moment we spent together was truly a gift. Sounds sappy? I know. It probably does sound sappy but it’s the truth. Sometimes, I think we were too much in love (if there is such a thing). We were soul mates. big grin

Out of respect for my parents, I did not move in with Tim. We were not married yet and my mother’s world would have crumbled if her baby had moved in with a man before she wed (I told you they are super conservative!). I was not yet ready to wed. I would have loved to have moved in with him but I didn’t feel as if we were financially able to get married. I was thinking about completing my masters at Columbia University in New York City and I wanted to wait until I had completed my masters before taking the plunge and getting married. This caused a little bit of friction between Tim and me from time to time. He didn’t always want me to go home from his place at night. We would spend glorious nights in each others arms and then at 2 A.M. or whatever, I would announce that I had to go home. Sometimes we would fall asleep together and just kind of chill with each other and he wanted me to stay with him. I would spend the entire night with him sometimes but it was rare that this occurred.

Tim and his parents are very liberal and they had no problem with anything. In fact, his parents thought I was the best thing since sliced bread and would have been fine with anything Tim and I did as long as I married their son and became a part of their family for good. I am happy to announce that my in-laws adored me. My parents were not that easy… frown

These are the types of problems we had. Timing problems. He was ready for happily ever after right now, this instant. I loved him more than words can ever express but I just wanted a little more time to finish my schooling. Completing my degree has always been a goal of mine. Tim was fine with me having academic goals. He was quite proud of me, in fact, and encouraged me to continue on with my education. He loved me and encouraged me with my career goals, too.

It was just that he wanted me to move in with him, married or not and wake up by his side every morning for the rest of his life. I can’t blame him for that. I wanted this, too, but it just wasn’t that simple. I wanted these things too. Trust me, some of my happiest moments in the last 4 years were when I got the chance to hold him in my arms throughout the night and wake up with him still there beside me. I wanted exactly what he wanted. I just needed more time.

So you see? No relationship is without its ups and downs. Tim and I loved each other loved each other and so we compromised. I spent the entire night at his place more often. WWWIII broke out at my parent’s house over this. big grin

I did what felt right for me. I was being pulled in two directions and I needed to do what was right for me. I had a lengthy discussion with both my parents and with Tim. Tim had no idea what he was doing to me with his pleas for me to stay at night. I had to convince Tim that I loved him but that I was still young and that there were things that I wanted to do before I got married. He was o.k. with this. I think he just needed reassurance that he was indeed the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and that my reluctance in moving in, getting married, and starting a family together had nothing to do with me not wanting him to be “the one” but had more to do with my academic and career goals. He accepted my decision.

Michael, Tim really adored me and he was up for anything I wanted as long as he could see that I was truly happy. The man was crazy about me. I’m not sure why as I am no striking beauty. But of one thing that I am certain of is that I was the center of Tim’s world. That’s the beauty of our relationship. Everything we ever did in and outside our relationship was for each other. My thoughts never strayed far from him and I like to believe that the same was true for him. Tim and I did a great deal of growing up together in more ways than one.

These were our types of problems. Every couple has their issues. We dealt with ours as best we could, keeping our love for each other intact through love and respect based decisions.


You know what? The trouble with people like you and me was that we waited so long before actually dating someone. I was almost 22 years old before I went on a “real” one on one date with someone. Tim was my first real date. That’s kind of late in life to be experiencing a first date. Most teenagers today start dating at 13 years old! Cool

I remember our first date clearly. I have always held a job while I was in college and so I didn’t really have time to date. I worked full time while going to school full time. I also held a part-time internship with the Orange County Board of Supervisors. I hung out with friends but I never singled one man out to date until I met Tim. He was soooo cute! Very studious, young man. I remember how shy he was. I did all the chasing in this relationship towards the beginning. He barely knew I existed. I think I can remember the exact moment when he took notice of me as a potential date.

We had to give a business presentation for a group of executives from Charles Schwab in our writing class. He was so annoyed because the teacher had asked that we dress up in business attire so that she could film us. The day that it was his turn to be filmed I could tell by just looking at him that he was extremely nervous. I gently pulled him aside shortly before he was to present and straightened his tie for him. He must have thought I was such a freak! big grin Here’s this girl that he barely knows trying to straighten his tie and sort of mothering him. I remember telling him that he looked absolutely fantastic and that he was the most handsome man in the room. I totally remember seeing the confusion in his face but at the same time I could see the confidence returning to his face. He said thank you kind of gruffly and walked off. Later that day, he found me on campus and said, “Thank you for making me feel special” and he asked me to join him at In n Out for a quick bite before our next class. I was in love! The rest was history. We hung out for a couple of years just getting to know each other. It was so cool. I’m pretty conservative when it comes to dating and stuff like that and so I was happy with this arrangement. It was really fun getting to know him. Like I have mentioned before, I think the pain is magnified for me because of the fact that I considered him my absolute best friend and so I have lost two wonderful relationships; best friend and boyfriend.

I don’t think that his absence will ever be something that is not painful for me. I do think that with each passing day the pain is a little but easier to endure and each day brings me a little closer to being able to move on. I’m not in any particular hurry and I am slowly coming back from the depths of despair that I found myself in since his death. Some days are better than others but I am learning coping skills that are helping me to recapture my life.

Ha! Your description of lovesickness made me laugh. You are so funny sometimes! big grin Your descriptions of what you went through amuse me to no end. It’s so helpful to hear that stuff because it makes what I was going through feel that much more normal. I read your words and wondered if you and I were not separated at birth. Lovesick… yup, been there, done that. It was soooo weird.


I’ve changed since Tim died. I’ve become more private, more withdrawn almost. I’m not the same Lexi that friends and family remember. Depends on which way you want to look at it but it could be a change for the better or for the worse. I suffered. I suffered unspeakable and terrifying pain when Tim left and it somehow forced me to grow up. I might even say that I was depressed for a while. It was weird. I don’t feel depressed anymore, though. I feel good. Kind of a strange feeling but I feel a lot happier these days. I feel as if I am coming out and rejoining the living again. I’m much more private these days than I was prior to this experience with both friends and family alike. I used to feel as if I needed to ask, tell, and confess to my family and friends all kinds of things. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel very accountable for my own actions. I feel as if I have grown into my own skin. I’m 27 years old and I’ll do whatever I please. I used to confess all my successes and failures to my parents and close friends. I don’t do that anymore. This fact has my mother up in arms most of the times because she feels very disconnected from me. She’s a typical mom and she worries. But I am at a point in my life where I really need privacy. Privacy to come to terms with things on my own. My parents will get over it and see that I am still the same Lexi they know and love. Especially my mom, since I think she is the greatest woman who ever lived. I just need space right now and I am more comfortable with my trials and tribulations being my own right now. You should see them. They are so cute! “Lexi, where are you going?” “Lexi, come eat!” “Lexi, let’s go to church” “Lexi, have you meet, so and so?” Did I tell you? That’s my mom’s latest mission, to fix me up with a new man. She thinks she’s being discreet about it but I am on to her and her meddling ways… She’s cute, though. I appreciate her concern even as I sometimes wish I could strangle her. I have a good family. big grin

But yes, my thoughts and sentiments have somehow changed on a variety of different matters and I think that you and your ex are entering a different phase of your relationship. Five years is a very long time to date someone. She’s probably going through some very confusing feelings, too. I am sure that she loves you though. Whether you know it our not, I am certain that she misses you a great deal, too and she is trying to rebuild her life as well. I think you guys just need a little bit of time apart and things will just fall into place. Stick out tongue

I agree with the rebound stuff you mentioned. I am such a romantic goon, that I have no doubt it would be easy to get swept away. I love being in love. big grin I’m staying away from men for now until I feel I can enter a new relationship in a healthy fashion. I’m going to be fine. I just need time. I like how you put that “build dreams”. See? Your girlfriend would have to be nuts not to give you a second chance once things kind of settle down. Give it time. I am looking forward to building new dreams, too.

O.k., I hope that you are happy to hear that I am going to the gym later on tonight. I will have to work off all of that frosting that I am about to devour! Seriously, starting Monday I have decided to get serious about exercise. I lack energy big time and I am sure that exercise will help.

When is Fall? Sorry, I’m not sure when that is. Actually it’s probably better to wait until the Fall to make the trip to the Getty again. The gardens are worth the wait and they have many other exhibits currently closed at the Getty for renovation to be opened during the Fall. Still plenty to see right now but there are many no access areas due to construction. LACMA is another amazing museum to visit.

I have to go bake a cake. I’m not much into cooking but I do love to bake. It’s my friends 30th birthday tomorrow and I have baked her a cake on her birthday for the past 10 years. We are out of eggs and I have no chocolate frosting. I need to go to the grocery store.

Tomorrow, I am getting together with friends from work for brunch by the beach. I have a coworker who’s parents are celebrating a 65th anniversary and she has invited me and a few other friends to Las Brisas. Have you been there? I’ve been there a few times on Mother’s Day and I was not that impressed. It’s too expensive for me to eat there all the time and I didn’t really like it anyway. So I don’t eat at Las Brisas often. I love Italian food! Las Brisas serves mainly seafood and Mexican food. I love Mexican food but just not at Las Brisas. There is a place just down the street from my work that serves food from El Salvador. Oh my gosh! It is sooooo good. I wish that we were going there instead and it’s much cheaper. It’s a little whole in the wall place called El Curtido. It’s delicious! I love to eat. Anything tastes good to me. Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Italian, Mexican, Indian, you no name it, I will eat it. It should be fun.

Anyway, I better go. Have a great week and a wonderful New Year! big grin


Lexi
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Mikey_
Life is good. Be inspired.
Life is good. Be inspired.


Joined: 04 Oct 2003
Posts: 1322
Location: Fountain Valley, California (USA)

PostPosted: Sun Jan 02, 2005 4:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lexi,

Your memories of Tim and everything else you wrote in your reply uplifted my spirit just now. A few moments ago, I just finished compiling and editing a couple old videos from 2000 and 2001 of my ex and me using Adobe Premiere, adding some sentimental sound tracks, informative text, and so on. While I was watching the finished work, the memories of my ex and I of our CSUF graduation and our first San Francisco (2000) trip (when and where we officially became a couple) gave me much joy, laughter, giggles, and fond memories.

But soon after, the emotions dropped and turned gloomy. It was like a million knives piercing through the chest, a thousand fists punching the stomach, Homer Simpson constricting my throat, a towering building crushing my heart, and all of my feelings sucked out of the arms like a vampire that hasn't feasted in eternity.

Now I feel a sense of peace and warmth. You know, a lot of the things you described about you and Tim, Kim and I shared. Isn't it ironic that both of our ex's names are so similar? Kim and I used to always joke that "Kim", spelled backwards, would result in "miK" or... "Mike."

I still do not understand how I just gave up on cooking when my ex didn't like the food I made. What I should have done was look up recipes and learn. Why didn't I do that before? You know, Kim is an excellent cook. She always makes me laugh inside whenever she was able to prepare a delicious meal that she never tasted or that she disliked (seafood and fish are some.) She was always happy to see me enjoy her food, and I of course was always happy for that as well. Not much time started passing when she started making me meals that would last enough for at least a whole week, lovingly caring and not wanting me to starve to death. Often it was a LOT of food and since I am not the type of person who wastes food, I always ate it all. I love eating. Sometimes too much smile That's when the weight gain started to really come about. Eventually, I asked her to stop cooking for me so that I could get my weight back in control. I also wanted to start cooking again as it had been years since I last cooked for an extended period of time. In hind sight, this actually started causing more stress in our relationship: she felt that I no longer needed her and that I no longer enjoyed her food. Far from it! I absolutely LOVE her food, but I just wanted to cook my own food once in a while too, especially when she started nagging that I couldn't take care of myself and that she was afraid I'd starve to death. It's her motherly and loving instinct. Gosh, do I miss that girl!

Out of respect for both of our parents, she didn't move in with me either. I respected that. My parents weren't okay with her moving in either until we were engaged. I knew she enjoyed waking up next to me just as much as I did, and I always enjoyed holding her when we fell asleep on our trips. I know she wanted to spend day and night with me as well, but just like you, whenever midnight approached, she had to leave like Cinderella at the stroke of midnight. If it wasn't the time that pushed her to leave, it usually was her mom calling every 5 minutes to ask her to come home. Sometimes it was a bit disheartening, and although I do respect her not staying overnight, I just wish that she would once in a while. Her parents absolutely love her -- especially her grandma and dad.

My parents didn't care either what she and I did, just as long as she and I would spend the rest of our lives together. They absolutely adore her (even to this day) for her personality, good looks, intelligence, and love. In fact, I can't name a single person in my immediate and extended family (and that's over 50 people!) who didn't adore her. My brothers absolutely wanted she and I to get married as well.

Did I want to get married to her? Absolutely. What held me back from proposing? The uncertainty of our relationship being able to work things out (too bad I didn't realize that *I* was the bigger part of the problem until it was too late), and whether she was "the one." She was, after all, my first girlfriend. But most of all, money. I didn't want us to get married and have no career or money. I didn't want our kids to suffer. I wanted her to go ahead and get her Master's degree (I already gave up on my Master's for now as there's already too much to learn in IT alone.)

Haha... WWW III broke out at your home... hahaha... How funny smile

I'm happy for you that you realized what makes a relationship work: respect, love, care, trust, and what you said: "Everything we ever did in and outside our relationship was for each other." In my relationship, it became mostly a relationship for ME. I stopped giving. I took things for granted. I became lost in the greed to receive. How did it come about? I don't exactly know for sure, but I now feel that the tiring 14-18 hour work shifts and a truck load of negativity circulating at work spun the wheel. She was right: our problems didn't become big ones until I started work at that company. It took me almost 3 years to realize that. Pathetic, isn't it?

In addition to all that, we stopped communicating and working through our issues, as I wrote in one of my earlier replies.

With everything that I have realized and with all the changes I have started to make, I am utterly confident that if she is still willing to give it one more try, that our relationship would blossom beyond this lifetime. But, she and I are on different pages right now. We shouldn't be getting back together until we both have found our happiness from within first. It makes sense, right? The relationship won't be happy until both of you have found your own happiness first. As much as this Buddhist idea makes sense, it's so hard though. I feel that she is a big part of my happiness. Isn't that why most people get married? Because the other person completes you? Not because the other person ADDS to you? (As would be the case with players, in my opinion, or anybody who wouldn't care if the other person left you.)

Did you really have to present to Charles Schwab executives? Who was your professor?? Kim and I had "Howie the Wicked Witch from the West." She was so freaking mean! That one week after my car accident with a big truck (it hit me from behind), I could neither sit nor stand due to the immense pain in my lower back. My body absolutely had to STAY horizontal at all times! My chiropractor even agreed for me to stay home and that I shouldn't go anywhere until the back regained some strength. This included missing an important midterm, but despite the Chiropractor's note and my pleas, she refused to let me take a make-up test. My final grade went from an A to a C. Hmph.

I like how you approached Tim and his tie. A guy's got to be crazy not melting over a gesture like that! I think that's where you and my relationship started off different: you two started with a positive date, became friends for years, and fell madly in love with each other. For me, we were friends first, and I could not get a single date from her for over a year (yeah, I was persistent!) She even confirmed multiple times that we would NEVER, EVER have a date. (Now I know why: she was afraid of losing her best friend should the relationship turn bad -- ironically, we're currently fighting to keep just a regular kind of friendship.) Imagine what that did to my already low confidence? Not only until I decided to leave the friendship, and until we took our first trip together (to San Francisco, as mentioned earlier), did she suddenly decide that I was the "right one." Again, for years I could not figure out what changed her mind. Neither could she. Our relationship just started off on the wrong foot. Add to that both of our inexperiences and the other issues, and you have a recipe for a disaster. If only I knew then what I know now... Our relationship definitely would have been better now. But hey, as she and my friend both said: my next girlfriend will be a lucky girl. I hope I can live up to that.

When you described how you have changed since Tim's death, it made me feel better too. I, too, have become more private and withdrawn. Kim always wondered why I couldn't be happy and enjoy myself whenever my friends, she and her new, good friend, and I went out somewhere. How could I with the way I feel towards her? Could you? Could anyone?

Back to being more private and withdrawn: I wrote in that essay I mentioned in the previous reply, that I never stopped smiling ever since I got my first success in school. True enough, a lot of people always wondered why I smiled so much! I just loved smiling and making people happy. I was almost always happy. Kim was a big part of that. That smile has almost disappeared ever since the break-up.

I stayed away from my parents, my close friends, even my relatives. It hasn't been until recently when I started opening myself a bit to them again, but they still don't know everything. It's funny. I haven't felt compelled to share with people my fortunes and misfortunes for a long time too until recently (isn't it apparent? smile)

What you described about privacy and wanting to come to terms with things on your own... I can totally see Kim feeling that way right now. I've even come to respect her wanting to keep our phone conversations as short as possible. Anyway, she is almost 27 years old and wants to do whatever she pleases. I guess I knew that all along -- just didn't fully realize it until now.

When you wrote about Tim's and your parents, it made me smile too. My mom makes just about anybody feel welcome whenever they come visit. (She's adorable too! Well, sometimes she's a bit too naggy, but I guess that's how moms are. She once told me, "You'll see once you become a dad.) I never felt welcomed at Kim's home. It actually had been a big issue for me because deep inside my heart, I wanted to feel that her family is my family too. Her sister and brother are okay with me. Every time I would come over to her home, I usually only said "Hi uncle" and/or "Hi auntie." Sometimes I tried making a conversation, but they don't really talk much. Kim once told me over 4 years ago that her parents tend to not make guests feel very welcome, but that within their hearts they do. In fact, my first ever conversation with her dad was, "You better take care of her! Drive carefully and don't be stupid." Something in that regard. It was the night we told them that we were heading out to San Francisco (yup, that trip in 2000 again! smile) I was immediately intimidated by that gesture and his facial and physical expressions. I think that scarred me for the remaining years even to this day. Sometimes I wished that her parents were more welcome. It could have made things easier in our relationship, although she had been telling me that I had already been earning a lot of brownie points for the things I did. Still, feeling more welcomed would have been more... welcomed, do you know what I mean?

Hehehe... about your mom trying to "conspicuously" hook you up with someone. My mom asked me recently to move on too if Kim truly no longer wants to build her dreams with me. I've been trying. Deep inside I still feel that there's still a chance. This feeling can be both healthy and unhealthy depending on how things turn out in the coming years.

Kim's been saying that she doesn't think about me that much any more, but whenver she is alone with me, I can see and feel that her love isn't completely gone. Her eyes and actions tell me a lot about how she feels towards me and certain other people (I know her long enough.) Truly though, I'm very, very happy that she's found some happiness in her life. I'm also happy that she's found a new friend she has a lot of fun with (as much as it hurts saying that.) I truly wish her to be happy for the rest of her life, even if that means without me.

Definitely good that you're going to the gym! You and your supervisor should motivate each other. It's hard to do it on your own... With exercise will come energy too!

Fall is the season after summer and before winter. Approximately September to hmm... November?

I should go to the grocery store sometime soon too. Am out of fruit and food. I still want to try making orange chicken sometime. When mb_rockstar comes over to my apartment for the first time sometime this coming week, she'll be my first taste tester hehehe... Hope she'll survive that!

Beach... I miss going to the beach sooooooooo much, but every time I go alone, I start missing Kim or feel guilty. So, I hardly ever went without her.

Las Brisas? El Curtido? Are they both in Mexico? I want to try Indian and Greek food sometime. Had Brazilian BBQ before -- quite an interesting experience.

Currently, one of my favorite meals are Hawaiian BBQ. There's Waikiki in Anaheim near my friend's workplace. The native, Hawaiian dish, Loco Moco, isn't too bad, but whenever I eat it, that health-conscious bulb pops up, if you know what I mean? smile For that matter, I haven't gone to Black Anus for a while. Yes, you read that right! smile I accidentally read "Black Anus" the first time I came to America instead of Black Angus, and have been calling that restaurant that ever since.

I'm hungry and it's 4:20am. Yikes!

Michael
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