Long Distance relationships

[Mikey_]

Sorry, I haven't had the chance to respond back still. However, I've posted a preview of yesterday's trip to the beach after work: http://hkss.com/comm/bbs/viewtopic.php?t=421



Michael

[Mikey_]

Dreamt about Kim again this morning, but this time I woke up peaceful and NOT at super-early hours. You see, in the dream, I told myself, "It's just a dream. Enjoy it while it lasts." Boy, didn't know that I miss hearing her voice.

Anyway, what I've learned is that since you can't control your dreams, why fight them, right? Even the strongest person is weakest when he dreams. Anybody ever said that before or is that yet another quote I got out of my ass? hehehehe....

I've found myself enjoying the nice weather more and more. Had Lucille's BBQ for the first time last night. Felt kind of bad afterwards (ate too much), but it was good. Nice BBQ sauce! Met many new and old people including a pretty Japanese girl. She was kind of shy, but you guys know me already: I choked initially and didn't say much, but later on had a great time. She's kind of goofy and cute in a funny way. But, although we got along well, I've got other things I'd like to accomplish still before I open myself even for friendship.

Today's casual day at work. Woo! Oh, by the way, I've made an extremely good impression on my boss/Director of IT yesterday. I accomplished something in 2 days that a senior person couldn't get done in 3 months. He later gave me 2 other projects to look at. It sort of worried me that I'd unintentionally be stepping over someone's foot, but the entire IT team is continuing to encourage me to excel. It's a really good environment. In fact, I'm thinking of learning MS Exchange at Neliance on the side because the person who's doing it right now had to learn it on-the-job as quick as he could. He and I get along very well. With more knowledge also comes higher pay as the Director said. So, that's something nice to look forward to.

Planning to use one of my personal days and/or paid vacation & sick times for the July 4 weekend to go to Washington, D.C. for about 5 days or so It already got surprisingly approved without any objection by the IT Director. Haven't gone on a vacation for a while, and I sort of miss going without Kim. Can't wait to go, nonetheless! I'd usually ensure that she wouldn't have to worry about money especially during her unemployment, but now I'm only paying for myself -- so, got a bigger budget to play around with (or spend half as much as I normally would have.) Probably the latter.

It'll be great! Can't wait to go to the water and yell out, "Jenny!" hehehe (referenced a scene in Forrest Gump) Gotta try Bubba Gump sometime. There actually is one in Long Beach! Ah, shucks...! Just recalled a memory at Bubba Gump in raining San Francisco, talking like For-res-t G-u-ump, and looking at his big shoes in front of the bench. Box of chocolates was partially eaten hehehe... Didn't buy an umbrella until it rained harder. The goo-o-od ti-i-mes

Ciao!

Michael

[mb_rockstar]

had a nice long talk with a good friend/co-worker today. after this talk, i actually feel a lot better about myself. she's made things a lot clearer for me. for awhile i was conflicted and confused. i told myself that it would be best for me to feel pain and be alone for awhile to learn from my mistakes and that i needed some time to heal from my relationship. part of my mind was telling me this, but the other part, including my heart was telling me otherwise.

yes, it's good to have solitude, but it doesn't mean i have to suffer. it just means i need to be independent and just enjoy life with the people i care about, like my family and friends. sure, it might be awhile until i find someone new (who knows), but when i do find him, i am ready to give him all my heart.

i notice everyone heals differently after a break up and some are much harder than others. as for me, it wasn't that hard because it wasn't really there. i looked back onto my past relationship and all i see is two close friends spending 12 years together. i don't know what it's like to be in a real relationship. for someone to actually treat me like a real gf. doing things to make me happy and doing things to keep our relationship up.

i looked back at everything and i realized that i totally spoiled him. i did things for him that i sort of expected from him. i'm not going to get into details. basically, i was wearing the pants in the relationship. i was the one working and doing everything i can to make him happy. i got use to being a giver and didn't expect anything in return. i'm the one who calls. i'm the one who pays. i'm not saying i want someone to wait on me hand and foot and spoil me. i just want someone to treat me with the same respect and not take anything for granted and appreciate all the little things.

i do miss him though. we had some good times. i'm going to miss how comfortable we were around each other. i'm pretty sure i'm going to miss a lot about him. afterall, he was my first love. who knows, he might become a better person after this experience. that would be a wonderful sight, but he has a long long way to grow. if he decides to better himself, the girl he finds will be the luckiest one. for now, i don't see that happening anytime soon. all i can do is wish him well and let him know that i will always be there for him. unfortunately, we lefted each other on a bad note.

given sometime, i'm hoping we can become friends again. as for myself, i'm ready to move on. i'm in no hurry to find love. just going to enjoy life with the people around me and concentrate on my priorities like improving myself physical and mentally and.... finding a career!! hehe*

Dictionary.com

Solitude: The state or quality of being alone.
---------------------------------------------------

"Even the strongest person is weakest when he dreams." i've heard this before, but who knows who said it first. lol* that's so true. it's nice to hear that you were able to wake up peacefully.

it's been awhile since i last had a dream and even then it was a darn nightmare. haha* i was just stressing out a lot that time, but i think i'm getting better now....i think. ha!

i've been enjoying nice weather and nature for a few years now. i mean, i've been appreciating my surroundings literally everyday for the past few years. it's really nice and peaceful. i love doing research on things i'm not familar about. the clouds, the moon, plants and animals. it's fun and exciting to learn new things.

doh! mike...you're so silly. you just can't help yourself huh? lol* it's all good though.

well, i'm off to workout at 24hr fitness. it's been awhile since i've last been at the gym. i've been doing most of my workouts at home or at the park. it's going to be interesting tonight. if i'm not too tired, i might play some light night tennis with my girl friend. (notice the space between girl and friend. i'm not a lesbian......or am i?) lol*

[wasabi]

I never thought I'd ever have the time to post a response to everything that was written. I think many people would be equally surprised that I am finally making a comment. Flyx and I are entering our sixth wedding anniversary at the end of this month and it's been a rollercoaster ride of note. It hasn't been easy, over the last eight months, sixth of those months, he was back in the US and I was still in South Africa. For those six months, I was grateful for my independence, my freedom and there were many times I almost wished I were single again. I managed to climb up the career ladder, I managed to finally exercise about four times a week and just catch up with old friends. Please don't get me wrong that Flyx limited me from doing all that, it's just that when he is here, I feel guilty that I am not spending quality time with him and just enjoying our time together.

We have grown in different aspects and we had prepared the final move of going back to the big bad USA. I have also come realise that, if I weren't so sure of our relationship, so sure that his love for me is so constant that I was unable to accomplish all those things. Yes, there were times when I did wish I were single again but on that same note, I don't think I would have accomplished all that I wanted to do in the space of six months had I not had the reassurance and confidence of someone who loves me and adores me.

When he came back to South Africa, within the week, he said to me, I have changed. So I told him, no I had not changed, I had grown, I know what I want and where I want to be, we need to grow together. Yes, I have become ambitious, then again I have always been.

That's one reason why people come together and split apart, when one party is stagnant in the relationship and the other constantly changing, it's not a wonder that there are divorces, separations and cheating, it's a dynamic world out there. We have to learn to grow together and if we're not, it's pointless being together, it's all the different phases. Yes, we will always love our past loves, and for the time that you had had together, there was a purpose for it and for everything that we do, there is a purpose whether we choose to believe it or not. Sometimes it's better to be apart than to be together.

On that note, we have both grown in our different ways, but not apart. We have learnt to accept each other's inadequacies and faults, it hasn't been the perfect relationship and only I would know how often it has been that I wanted to call it quits because I didn't feel he was growing fast enough. Yes, I have been selfish, I expected him to grow, change and accept me for my changes as well. It's been an eight year relationship and no matter how tough it will be in the future, there is nothing I can do about it, no matter how tough it was in the past, there is nothing I can do to change it, what we do have, is now. And as far as that is concerned, now is what we have and that is all that matters.

[Lexi]

Hi,

It's been a while since I went to the gym. I don't really like working out. It does make me feel better and more energized though. I continue to join my friend 3 days a week at Santa Ana College for a quick workout before work. She is waaaaaay more in shape than I am though. She's in the Army Reserve.

It sounds like you are both doing well. I know that it must be rough sometimes. Hang in there though. These are character shaping experiences and I continue to be impressed by the way you both handle yourselves. I am so pathetic. I think that if I were in your shoes, Michael, I might have picked up the phone to call Kim and started pleading by now. You are a good man. As always, I wish you the best, kiddo.

You are going to D.C.? Now I am totally jealous! I absolutely love D.C. Everyone in D.C. is so friendly. There is so much history in D.C. The city comes alive at night. It is a absolutely wonderful place to visit. If I knew that I could get the time off, hehe, I would try to invite myself along with you. No biggie. I have put in for time off in October. I want a real vacation (not just a weekend thing) and I think I may go to New York for my next vacation. New York City is a great place to visit, too. If you enjoy D.C. maybe you could come with. I promise I will try to keep my snoring to an absolute minimum.

Seriously, I have only been to D.C. once before but I fell in love with the place. It was about 4 years ago when I visited D.C. and it was during the month of July. Be advised: D.C. is hotter than Hell during the summer. I could barely breath on some days because it was so hot and humid. Other than the weather being the pits because it was like 120 degrees, the sightseeing was fantastic. I think that HOT is pretty much the normal weather for D.C. during the summer so plan on bringing plenty of sunscreen. Are you going with a large group of friends? I love D.C. I hope that you have a wonderful time. Looking forward to seeing pictures.

See you later!

[Mikey_]

2am: It just dawned upon me... I think I may now know what the dreams mean. I think my subconscious mind is desperately fighting my conscious mind telling me to move on. It does so by throwing dreams at me and letting me know what I seem to want deep inside.

Michael

EDIT 10am: About an hour ago, I caught myself laughing, and when I opened my eyes, I realized I was still in my room. It was a dream where Kim and I had a very nice conversation where we both laughed about something. It was a really nice moment. MB was sleeping over and she heard me laugh too. But, like my previous dreams I'm telling myself to ignore it and go on with the day in peace Today's fish tank cleaning day and I'll be making an ambitious meal from scratch. I experimented with something last night and it came out really good (ask MB.)

[mb_rockstar]

wasabi,

your post sounds too familiar. i too, experience a short time away from my former bf and i just felt like i can breathe again and be me. (hmm...deja vu, i think i posted this in a previous post) unfortunately, i noticed that when we were together, he would limit me. whether it be going somewhere, wearing something, or hanging out with someone. he did it in away that didn't seem too mean, but kind of made me feel bad. like i wasn't spending enough time with him, yet i saw him every single day. for awhile, i started getting lazy and gaing a lot of weight because i would come home from work and he would be glued to his computer. i'd ask if we could go out and he didn't seem to care much. so eventually, i started doing my own thing and hanging out with my gf.

anyhow, i'm so happy to hear that everything is going well for you and i hope things continue to be that way. you guys had some issues and turned it around for the better. that is truly wonderful and i will definately keep that in mind for my next relationship.

mike,

i'm glad to hear that things are getting a little easier for you. it just takes time and patience.

lol* yea that was funny. i was wide awake just laying on the couch and i saw you move a little on the floor and then all of a sudden smiled and laughed.

the meal last night was not too bad. i especially like the oyster mushrooms! hmm....the glace pears were good too, but definately gotta cook them longer.

[dabadguy]

Hello Rosie & Mikey,

Glad to see some "old" timers here. I know I probably should not be posting in this forum, but I just wanted to say HI to old friends.

Rosie,

Glad to see that you've made it to 6 years with flyxie. I know what you mean about da"ride". Especially if you pass 5 years. I've been with daGal for 9 years!!! and I must admitt I enjoy being incarcerated. An animal like me should not be free to roam daStreets. kekeke...

Again, I am glad to see that you are doing well in your personal life, as well as professional. Ambition is a GOOD THING. A quote Michael Wallstreet (michael douglas in Wallstreet daMovie), " GREED IS GOOD!!!" Greed only means you want more out of your relationship, your profession, and most of all YOUR LIFE!!!

Keep on growing...

Mikey,
You know what I think about you... you still the luvable dumb@ss.

[Mikey_]

Ah, time to finally reply to everything I said I'd reply to

I just read an article in Discover that really struck my curiosity: vivid "memories" can be created by our powerful brains even though we never experienced it. Imagery activates the same areas of the brain as sight. Memories also are recalled by our brains in a way that fits what we have experienced in life -- which explains why different people have different memories of the exact same events by piecing together some facts and adding to them their own past experiences. Insightful, isn't it? There's WAY more to the article and it's definitely worth the read. It's featured in the issue with the title, "More New Surprises from Saturn."

MB: I'm glad again that your mom is cancer free

Lexi: I believe I have been to Crystal Cove before -- in fact, I'm 90% certain. I'll have to drive there one of these days to confirm. You ought to take a look at China Cove -- in-between Corona Del Mar and Millford Dr -- especially during a low tide I'll be taking one of my female co-workers' kids there someday

Yup, my workplace still is picking my interest daily. In fact, the things I have to do are continually encouraging my ambitions to soar again -- but this time, without losing sight of living life and not allowing work to interfere with who I am. I'm still happy with who I've become Have been doing an hour or so overtime daily the past few weeks and the IT Director doesn't mind at all. Those overtime hours are 30% necessary, but I'm more than glad to do them: just slightly over 6 hours of overtime weekly pays the rent!

Lexi, you may feel that sealing my heart still isn't a good thing, but I see otherwise: a rebound can hurt people. Worse yet: it's very hard to know if you're in a rebound or not. You may feel that you're over someone, but you may not be. I agree with a couple of my more experienced friends now that it takes at least a year -- without seeing anyone -- to get over someone before you truly know that you're really not in a rebound. Only one of them said that they'd stay away from dating during that time. The others go for the new relationship anyway because they can't bear the feeling of emptiness. It's been hard for me too, but I think that what I've been doing is only making me stronger and more, for lack of better words, honorable.

Don't get me wrong... it's not because I don't have other choices. I've got plenty -- just ask MB -- including one very recent new employee who's been asking to go to lunch with me practically daily. She's not bad looking at all, but when I realized she was asking me a bunch of certain questions, I purposely let it slip that I broke up with my girlfriend not too long ago. I hope she gets the hint that I'm not available at this time.

Equally as difficult is telling myself to move on and fighting the dreams (had a couple this week too.) But like MB said about her own feelings: the more you fight it, the more it hurts. So, like I said in a previous post, I've been cherishing the moments the dreams gave me and it only brings peace to my heart. I tell myself not to think about Kim too much and only let the dreams do all the thinking. I did try what one of my friends did with her ex's: "I could not move on until I started hating them." But hate isn't in my character -- well, never in my life did I ever truly hate someone before, except for this one person, but that's a story I won't get into. I guess that the Karma thing will be something I'll experience in my next lifetime where two people will be in confrontation with one another for an event that happened in their previous lives. I still don't believe in it too much, but I won't discount that either.

I'm sure she's in a happier place right now.

Kim's birthday is coming up. Her sister's birthday is coming up. I'm in a dilemma whether or not to send them my best wishes. Perhaps I'm still hurt that Kim didn't say anything on my actual birthday this year. Did she forget or did she purposely not contact me? It doesn't matter. What should matter is what I do from here on. And contacting her I will -- just not sure yet in what way.

Yes, she's an incredible woman, Lexi. Someone who deserves to be loved and not be used or played. Sure, there are flaws she has and flaws that I did not really think about until other people who know her pointed them out. But she's a good woman nonetheless. I truly wish her the best in her journey to finding the one who'll take care of her with unforgiving love.

I know what you mean about religion. That's why although I'm a Roman Catholic, I am open to many religions. I try to lead my life good (now more so than ever) -- and good is what all religions believe in.

Pathetic grades? Nah. Considering what's going on in your life, you're doing just fine. Keep it up.

Eh, what the hell was I talking about in that post with the broken English?? Some raw stuff I said in there huh? Well, at least it's straight from the heart, I guess.

In any case, this one part I mentioned about likely changing your opinion of me has been bugging me for quite some time, but I wanted to wait until I'm able to reply to everything (like today):

I kicked Kim.

Not going to get into how it all came about. All you need to know is that I am ashamed of what happened. It doesn't matter who did or said what. The fact is, I kicked her. It won't ever happen again to any female. Ever. I'm not a violent person in nature and that event will be my guide for the rest of my life.

You are right that we were abusive towards one another. I was more than she was. It was all unintentional. Things have changed. I have changed. The aforementioned event will be my guide. I am who I am now as a result of those events.

These last 2 paragraphs are bringing tears to my eyes for some reason and so I'll change the subject.

Yup, we caught someone having sex in a van. It still cracks me up what he did when he realized we were walking by hehehe. Call you? We don't have your number.

Lazy? Up by 2am? And I thought my waking up by 5am was early!

Mb's been making great progress with her workout. In fact, she's inspired me to work out hard again -- been slacking the past month and been cheating a lot as well. I've reached new, personal records at the gym all this week

Ah, the sunset at Corona Del Mar. I've GOT to do that again! I'll be selling my camera for a profit and then buy the upgraded version for just a few bucks more. Can't wait for the new camera to go on sale! Soon.

When I read about the dream about Kim on May 13 just now, I felt something stuck in my throat and my heart's pounding like crazy. I won't allow this and am once again asking my mind to overpower those emotions. I've gotten better at that. It sucks having to do that.

Washington DC! I'm booking the plane ticket today. Will also be driving up to Baltimore and New York City. Exciting, exciting, exciting! Mb's going too!

Aw, shucks. The excitement got overturned by that Bubba Gump memory. Okay, on to the next post.

MB, I'm glad things are clearing up for you. I definitely see more confidence in yourself. You, too, inspire me to continue improving. I'll see you later tonight with working on your resume and help you with some of the tricks I've learned in looking for a job.

I'm not sure if I can be friends with Kim again, MB. Not with the way I feel towards her and not if a certain hurtful situation continues. In my multiple attempts to contact her and start to re-establish our friendship, I've gotten nothing but silence. Nothing but silence. I can only surmise why she's doing that, but what it ultimately comes down to is that I've stopped to make any more attempts. It's obvious that she's choosing to go a certain path in her life and let go of the friendship. I'm saying this based on her past actions. It's sad, but it does make me wonder what the past 8 years of friendship meant to her, and how she's so readily able to throw it all away in just a few days after saying that she still loved me a lot. It's okay though. I'm still happy with what I have now

Hi Wasabi! Long time no see! Wow, things have changed between you two that much huh? It's hard to let go of independence and freedom, isn't it? That's why being single feels so good at times. Who'd want to return to a tension-filled relationship after having tasted freedom? Who wouldn't want to fall in love all over again someday? Why give it all up? That's why Kim's not coming back, but that's okay. She has no idea who I've become, but that's okay too. What I admire about you two is that you both have been able to work things out. In my relationship, I was the one who gave up, but I didn't know any better. She's my first after all.

That's a good way to look at it, Wasabi: "I had grown... we need to grow together." It's only when you two can be yourselves, that a relationship can be healthy and strong, right? That's something I've learned too over the months I've been reflecting. Indeed, "sometimes it's better to be apart [for a while] than to be together." I constantly was needy and needed attention from Kim all the time. My independence and maturity have taught me a lot and that it is okay to be apart for a while -- it allows both people in a relationship to be themselves and do what they need to do. I always wanted Kim to be near me because it felt so empty without her around. Yet, when she was, I did not spend time with her. It is important for both people to have the time to do things for themselves. I unintentionally did not allow her to do that. One of my friends constantly amazes me with how he handles his relationship. It is completely based on trust, respect, and love. Some of those aspects were profoundly weak in my former relationship. Now I know better.

Wasabi, your thoughts have always been very insightful.

Lexi, as said earlier, I'll definitely be dropping by N.Y. for a day or so. If I'm adventurous enough, may even be driving up to Toronto hehehehe... Better bring the passport along Will probably pay my respects to the WTC once in N.Y., if time permitting.

BadGuy, glad to see you back on HKSS. I've been spending a few hours here and there working on the site again. I can't wait for it to be done, but that's definitely far off in the future. I still can't believe that you're already married!

Michael

[mb_rockstar]

mike,

i'm glad to hear that you've been inspired to work out hard again. sometimes i feel like slacking and then i remember what you have said to me in the past and it just gets me going again. i'm routinely working out 4 times a week for at least an hour. i'm feeling great and can't wait to see what i look like at the end of june. (just in time for DC) i'm so excited about it too! it's going to be so much fun!!

i definately see more confidence in myself everyday, but i got a lot to gain. i noticed i have very low self-esteem and i've slapped myself out of it. still gotta work on that though. i have my glory moments and then i have my down moments. i just really need to believe in myself. you've improved quite a bit since the first time i met you. good job. looks like we're both using each other for inspiration. that's good though. as long as we're getting some sort of motivation to improve ourselves, use it to our advantage.

thank you again for helping me with my resume. it's friggin incredible!! it's 200% better than i had at the beginning. lol* i'm still a bit intimidated by looking at it, but after what you said the other day, i'm pretty sure i'll be fine. i just need to believe in myself (deja vu). like you said, "those are all real numbers and facts and... it's all me." so, we just need one more day of working on this and we'll be done. yay!

we all have our moments when we think of a wonderful time from the past. brings tears to my eyes. i tell myself to be strong everyday and definately on the surface, i am strong. i have convinced myself that i am ok, because i don't want to hurt anymore. it has worked but, you're right about something though. it's possible that i may have a liking to someone that may be making things easier for me to move on. i feel bad, because if this is true, it's not right. i should know by now that rebound isn't good. i really need to start listening to what i say to my other friends that are also on the rebound. i've known this guy for awhile now and i definately value our friendship. i wouldn't want anything to damage what him and i have now. feelings can't be controlled, but i can separate them and just concentrate more on what's more important in my life. so far, i'm happy with my progress and with what i have now also.

oopsie, getting late...gotta go workout now.

[Mikey_]

Ah, what wonders a nice, cold shower can be Nice and refreshing!

Anyway, I bought 2 new White Fiddler Crabs and have just come up with a name for the male one: Ninja. Named for the way it's moving its claws and legs in defense and for its hilarious, robotic movements (Mb, you missed out a few minutes ago!) I haven't named the female White Fiddler Crab yet. She flew down the tank not too long ago -- a la DaVinci style. Pictures will be taken someday.

This Wednesday will be movie night for me and a few friends -- we'll be attending a free screening of an Adam Sandler/Chris Rock movie that night

Mb, it's good to hear that you're doing well with your workout. I've noticed that it has definitely added to your confidence just like it has been for me. Inspiration needs to come from within though it may initially be hard to find. Believe me, I've struggled with finding it for months, but once you have found it, it'll have to continue coming from within. So, be sure to grab on to it and find ways not to let it go. I've been using several things around me and events from the past (particularly all the bad things I used to be and do) to help guide me daily. If you have the goal for improvement in your mind -- and you can clearly see it right in front of you -- it'll make it even easier. Friends can be a big motivation as well.

You have to look within yourself to see what creates happiness. Inspiration can come from everywhere. My first was the fish tank. It started putting love, care, maturity, responsibility, and curiosity back into my life. Taking pictures of people and capturing life's essence helped me remember that love is everywhere. From the mother taking a walk with her baby, to the old couple walking together "hand-in-hand" and nothing but a trolly (?) full of cans behind them, to a family taking a bike ride together -- life is beautiful. I'll share some of those pictures with you all someday.

EDIT: Here they are...





Don't worry about the resume. I'll be happy once you have found the job you're worthy of, and we definitely need to work on your confidence. Everything that was stated in the resume -- it's all you! You did all that!

For the sake of you and your friend, stay away from a rebound relationship. As I already shared with you: yes, it's hard to feel that emptiness in you, but isn't it better if you can find the strength to overcome that? Desire is the root of all suffering. It may feel good in the short-term, but is that what you really want? You'll find that if you can overcome that emptiness, you'll not only be stronger, but you'll also see how good life can be when you are able to overcome that chaotic tearing deep within your heart. You'll feel even more free. You'll be able to make better decisions and find what it is that you truly want, rather than being blinded by a rebound and what you may THINK is you being in "true love."

Sure, it feels very good to fall in love again. To have someone care about you, to hold and cuddle with you. To do everything that your previous ex didn't do or didn't do enough of. (I have more to say on that subject, but in short, sort of: it's not healthy to compare your new interest with your ex. There's a reason for why you fell in love with your ex in the first place. And in regard to all the bad things about your ex: a tired relationship definitely will overshadow all the good that was between the two of you, and you'll likely remember all the bad things the most. That's human. Just like on the job. Keep that in mind before you write your ex off completely.)

But, back on the subject... How do you know you're not in a rebound? Are you truly in love? Is your new interest truly someone who's not just there to fill that emptiness in you? Do yourself a favor and give yourself at least a year -- to figure out who you are, what you truly want, and to find that happiness in you. Once you've found that, you'll then be more able to share that with your new love.

Let me know if I was too frank with you with our in-person and phone conversations. You do have low self-esteem and I'm hoping that one day, you'll find what makes you special. I've been sugar-coating things less than what I used to do -- perhaps it's coming from my own new-found strength and confidence. You have become more blunt as well, and that's good! With confidence comes the awareness of knowing what you want and that nobody can nor should put you down, including yourself.

Your female friends and their rebounds... No comment

My next-door neighbor spoke with me on Saturday while I was tuning and waxing my snowboard (to get it ready for off-season storage.) He's a disabled Air Force Vietnam War veteran and was kind of creepy the way he talked. His wife currently is in the Phillippines to take care of some family matters and the couple will likely be moving out by August. He was lonely and so I spoke with him for some time. I thanked him for what he did for America during that war. He has a great respect for the people of Vietnam, and so do I. I've heard some stories from a few of my Vietnamese acquaintances and friends and it just fills me with awe on how strong people can be. It reminds me of my own parents and their struggles. I'll be taking mom and dad to an optometrist soon to have their eyes checked out and will be paying for however much it'll cost.

I couldn't figure out what my snowboard lock combination was -- it consists of 4 numbers, each ranging from 1 to 6. So, I did a very unscientific "lock" cracking hehehe... Put the first digit at 6 and slowly went through each number on the remaining 3 digits until it unlocked. Woohoo! The next question was: how will I remember this from now on beside writing the number down?

1635. That's the combination. It's 100 less than Kim's house number (1735.) There, got it.

1735 was the number I saw again tonight on my way to the gym right a few seconds after Kim entered my thoughts. There it was... brightly standing out from the surrounding darkness on the house's (or apartment complex's?) gate.

What a coincidence huh? What's more, last week up to today has really been strange. MB and I were shopping for food before working on the resume when we met Kim's sister at Albertson's. I was overjoyed but saddened at the same time. She looked tired, uncomfortable, or bothered and we didn't say much to each other. Seeing her instantly rushed sadness throughout my entire body, and all I could think of was Kim. I wanted to ask her how Kim was doing, but refrained from doing so.

Only on Saturday did I have a very bad dream involving Kim and had another one on Sunday morning. I mentioned it to MB that morning and shrugged it off. Told myself to find that happiness from within and enjoy the day. I wish the good dreams came back, but I apparently had a bad night's sleep this morning too (Monday) because my back was sore all day at work today. The workout at the gym tonight helped alleviate some of that pain.

I'm hoping for the dreams to change tonight and if they don't, at least let me not remember them. I felt so helpless in every single one of them like that glass room I told you, Lexi, about not too long ago.

Talking about Kim... Just before I left work today, a Kim look-alike was at the enterprise copier/printer and couldn't figure out how to fix that error it was having. She had glasses, short hair, and is about the same height. Her figure was a bit slimmer though. She asked me for help (not knowing that I work in IT.) What's even more funny is that her last name is Kim (she's Korean.) Talk about weirdness! I spoke with her for a bit and welcomed her to the company as she got hired around the same time I was brought in.

All these Kim references lately, am I losing my mind? What do all those good and bad dreams mean, damnit?! I have to keep reminding myself that all those dreams should be cherished and not fought or made sense of. It'll only make you go crazy. So, Lexi, if you're reading this: I actually think it's best that you do NOT dream of Tim. It'll only hurt you more. Be strong and let it all go. I wish I could do that, but it's hard to fight dreams when you're sleeping.

Anyway, I bought new clothes yesterday (Sunday) and tomorrow I'll be wearing something that I never really wore before. We'll see what people think

Something really heavy struck my heart on Thursday evening when an acquaintance and I went to eat Pho in Westminster after a long work-out. (Mb, I've told you about this already) It was pretty good, but really greasy! On our way back to my car, there was this woman outside that was begging for money and I really wanted to give her some, but there was absolutely no cash in my wallet that night (paid for Pho with credit card)! I absolutely felt really bad and asked her multiple times if she was hungry and even did some signs for food, but she didn't seem to understand. I pointed at the Pho restaurant that my acquaintance and I just ate at and motioned for her to follow me so that I could buy her a bowl of Pho with the credit card, but she refused to follow. We made several more attempts in asking her to follow us to the restaurant, but she eventually walked away. I felt so freaking bad that night because she looked really out of shape! I still do not understand why she didn't follow us...

Lexi, your e-mail was kind of hilarious. You and your comment about Tim hehehe... You guys are dorks! Actually, aren't we all?! Yes, Kim is a terrific woman and I can only wish her all the best and that she's found all the happiness she's been looking for. Everybody deserves finding that happiness. Just look within yourself. What is it that you truly want? What are your aspirations? The break-up with Kim really has made me grow quite a bit. I'm very thankful for that, but am still ashamed for all the bad things that happened between the two of us. Sometimes you'll wish that you can turn back time just to have one more moment with the one you cherish, but that is something you cannot do. Be thankful for everything you experienced with that other person and for everything that you have learned since that experience. There will come a day where love will unfold again -- may it be with your previous love (MB) or someone new (Lexi.) All that love that's been building up will only have one way to go. And that way is up and around you.

It's time to sleep.

Oh yeah, I'm pretty upset about what happened to my car the past month. Dad and I just replaced the front 2 tires with brand-new ones from Sears when a week ago my rear passenger tire was punctured by 3 nails. I took the tire to a tire shop to get it patched when they told me that it could not be fixed. One of the nails was long and went into the tire from the SIDE! Eh? Really? A nail went in sideways, huh? Yeah, whatever. I told them to just put on the spare for me and I'll go somewhere else. So, bought yet another new tire from Sears (dad wanted them to match the front ones.)

Then on Friday, my last, older tire (driver's rear) flattened too! Ack! What kind of coincidence was that??? It was a large, metallic shrapnel that got lodged into the tire. I remember trying to avoid that accident spot on the 5 freeway the day before. Yeah, had to buy yet another new tire. Grrrr! That's $600 spent the past 3 weeks on that car!

Talking about accident spot, there was a bad accident on my way home from the gym tonight. It was on the corner of Brookhurst and Ball Road (yes, the same road I told you guys about that Kim and I took long time ago.) There was a dark car being towed away and a white one. 4 Police cars, 2 fire trucks, and an ambulance, and a bunch of on-lookers. Couldn't really see what happened as it was kind of dark, but I think the white car got hit from the side or back. A person was being moved into the ambulance. Hope they are doing okay.

Anyway, it's late. Nite nite! Mb, hope you had a good workout. Enjoy your day off today (Tuesday.) Go take some pictures -- it was really nice and cool today.

Michael

EDIT: Ninja (male crab) is waving his large claw in a robotic movement again trying to impress the female hehehe... I'm glad I read up on that interaction between male and female Fiddler Crabs. They are VERY fun to watch now!

[mb_rockstar]

i totally agree that inspiration comes from within. i'm beginning to see more of that now. friends and surrounding events have sparked my motivation, but definately it is growing within me.

happiness.... my happiness is coming from working out. i feel more in control with my life now because of it.

in the e-mail i sent you, i told you that i 'was' attracted, but my feelings for this person has actually subsided. to put it bluntly, i have no interest in this person but to be their friend. you're right, it would be nice to fall in love again, but as i said in my previous post, i'm in no hurry to find love.

yes there was a reason why i fell in love with my first. that faded away long time ago, but it doesn't mean i've forgotten all the good times we've had. in fact, i do think about them often. especially when i run into his friends and they start talking about the old times. sigh* today, i got a call from an old friend.....hmm...but anyways, we were young and we eventually grew apart. he didn't seem to care anymore. he stopped fighting for our relationship years ago. eventually, i did too. it's too bad that it took this long to realize it.

i understand it's not good to compare a new interest with my ex. everything should be started off fresh.

how do i know that i'm not on the rebound? i know i am. i never denied that. i'm vulnerable and need to be more careful with my feelings. it was an infatuation. i was attracted to this person for the wrong reasons and i've come to realize that. again, as i said in my previous post, i want to re-discover myself and make myself happy, before making anyone else happy.

you're frank? i thought you were mike? lol* yea...lame joke. anyway, you know....i used to be offended by the things you said sometimes, but in a way i kind of admire that. you're just being honest. brutally honest sometimes....hmm...most of the time. that's just you though. you can't change that. i take what you say and i turn it into something wonderful. i use it to push myself, to improve myself. wow...you notice i've become more blunt. that's awesome. i actually feel a bit empowered right now. lol*

everything that i have experience in my life time, i am thankful for. if certain things did not happen, i would not be where i am at today. never think your life or a certain period of your life was a waste.

anyway, it's pass 3am and my head is beginning to hurt. haha* i had a wonderful workout tonight and a refreshing cold shower! if it's not too hot out, i may go take some pictures....we'll see.

yay! for new fiddler crabs!! they were cool to look at the other day. especially the male. lol* i've seen the robotic movements, but have yet seen the defense. maybe next time.

doh!....i think i'm getting sick. that's not good....... my throat has been bothering me for a few days now. it feels very irritated.

nite nite!

[Mikey_]

Good morning!

I'm glad you've realized that you may have been in a rebound and that you're taking control over that "infatuation." Just give it time to heal (especially after so many years in a relationship with someone) and to find yourself. You'll see, your happiness will return in no time (meaning, give it a few months hehehe...)

I just helped Thien buy a new laptop and saved him an additional $100 he didn't know he could get. $786 shipped (down from about $1,850) for a pretty powerful laptop. I'll be very, very jealous once it arrives!

Frank... hehehe. Yeah.

Hey, bluntness and assertiveness is good. Just don't become bitchy or controlling... Respect -- that's one of the words I'm living by nowadays.

Ah, helping Thien buy that laptop has set me back by 30 minutes. Gotta go and get ready for work. Ciao!

Michael

EDIT: I woke up with no dreams today. Nice... Back's still kind of sore, but it's better than yesterday. I'm hoping that tonight's exercise will alleviate that once and for all.

[Lexi]

Hi Mike and MB,

MB: I am so glad to hear that your mom is doing better. I?m also glad to hear that you continue doing well with your diet and exercise regime. My diet has gone to Hell BUT I am exercising more than ever. It really is an energy booster. I feel like I could climb Mt. Everest after a good work out. I?ll have to show you my muscles. That was super sweet of Michael to help you with your resume. It is important to present yourself well and having a professional resume should help you get started with! your job search. Make sure that there are no spelling errors at all on your resume and think about drafting a cover letter when you have time.

You are going to D.C., too? No way! I want to go, too!!! There is no way, though. I suppose I could call in sick for a week or whatever but I am in the middle of submitting a 12 million dollar proposal to the federal government and I would be consumed with guilt if I left one week before it was due. It?s due the first week of July. If my proposal is successful, the County will have a nice pot of money to distribute to several agencies that provide direct help to the homeless. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I do hope that you and Mike have a fabulous time, though. As I mentioned previously, D.C. is truly a fantastic place to visit. I loved it! I remember taking the bus to Virginia while I was in D.C. and Virginia was equally charming. I have all kinds of suggestions of places you guys should visit while you are there but I am sure that you guys already have an itinerary. Mike mentioned the Lincoln Memorial. The Lincoln Memorial was my absolute favorite. It is such a neat tribute to our presidential history. I swear, I am going to live in D.C. one of these days.

Your self-confidence: I am glad to hear that you are working things out. It?s important, MB. Keep up the good work. I lack self-confidence in certain areas of my life, too. Right now, I can?t really say that low self-confidence is what drives my particular demons but I can remember times when I have felt less than wonderful and or beautiful. It happens to all of us. Growing up my parents were really hard on me about my academic performance. My siblings really kicked but and went to the cream of the crop Ivy League schools. I, on the other hand, flitted around getting myself academically disqualified from community college after community college. I won?t go into detail. It was a long time ago and I have since gotten my act together. I did suffer from low self-confidence- big time. Ha! Trust me, you don?t want to come home to my house with anything less than an A on your report card-EVER! They made fun of me a lot and kind of made me feel like the village idiot. I know that they were only trying to get me to shape up and graduate but quite frankly, they only ever made me feel like a complete idiot.

My siblings were studying at Harvard, Columbia, and Yale and I couldn?t even handle Math 20 at a community college. Steam would practically come out of my parent?s ears. To hear them scream about this you would have thought that there was, I don?t know, a killer on the loose or something. It was quite absurd. No fun?. I did get it together and graduated. I am now in graduate school. I am not at Harvard but I am happy where I am. I don?t really share anything with my family when it comes to school.

My parents are great people and love me a lot; they just don?t always go about trying to help me in the most constructive manner. Know what I mean? I remember that I used to get so jealous of Tim?s relationship with his dad. Tim?s dad would pay for Tim?s schooling even if he got D?s. They would laugh about it together and Tim?s dad would say stuff like, ?Try your best, son.? Tim would get in trouble and stuff if he earned a D but it was nothing like what awaited me if I came home with a C. Not even close. Tim?s dad was quite liberal and knew when to push and when to let go. As a parent, you kind of have to learn when to pick your battles. I think Tim?s dad did a pretty good job and I think that is why we are such good friend?s even to this day. He meddles but in a loving and somewhat distant way that is very different from my own parent?s manner.

People will put you down for the rest of your life, MB. It?s just human nature, I guess. Sometimes it?s intentional and sometimes it?s not. You just kind of have to find what you are good at and run with it. I have a feeling that you are good at a great many things. I hope that you continue to grow in self-confidence. Also glad to hear that you are little by little getting over your ex. I?m coming along nicely on this score, too. Have fun in D.C.! Take care of Mike. Make sure that a member of our legislature or some sexy and deranged lobbyist does not seduce him. They are all over the place in D.C. Have a blast!!!

Michael: Hey there! You continue to do well, too. So you think life is beautiful? You know what? I TOTALLY agree with you. I?ve always been of the opinion that life is good. I?ll be the first to admit that the whole Tim thing derailed me from my usual mindset for some time but life is good. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have done some traveling outside of the U.S.A. and I know darn well that I have a great many things to be grateful for. I try to remind myself about how good my life actually really is. I know that I have said it before but I know better than most how short life is and how quickly our fates can change in a matter of seconds. I don?t know. I guess I am just kind of at peace right now as I continue to learn to live with the unexpected changes in my life. I can only really speak on a day by day basis but today is a good day. I?m confident that tomorrow will be a good day, too.

So you have a new crab? Way cool! Gertie continues to thrive.

Both you and MB have talked about rebound relationships. I suppose that you both are right, it?s best to avoid a rebound. I was planning to do just that with that guy from Eharmony a while back. I am glad that he didn?t want to meet me. I don?t think I was ready to get into anything at that time. I did it on a panicked whim. I?m not usually that inconsiderate and it won?t happen again.

Yikes! Sorry to hear about your run in with Kim?s sister at Albertson?s. That must have been a bit uncomfortable for you. I?m glad that the encounter was brief.

I had an odd but strangely progressive week. A good friend from the past caught me off guard last Wednesday. I think I told you that I don?t really hang out with any of my friends that knew me when I was with Tim. When this whole thing hit, I removed from my life anything and everything that would remind me of Tim, including my friends. I couldn?t deal with them and they could not deal with me. What can I say? I just wanted to kind of get away and the majority of my friends had their own agenda on what was the best way to get me out of this strange, black mood. So I started turning down invitations to hang out. Very few of my friends understood my behavior and were soon more annoyed with me than anything else. I?m not blaming anyone for anything. Sometimes people just change. I was not the same person that I used to be and my interests sort of moved in a different direction.

I remember one incident in particular that my friends were annoyed about. It was about 8 months after Tim died. They decided that we should go on our semi-annual trip to Las Vegas. My friends were totally jazzed about it. They couldn?t wait. It was going to be a blast because we had not hung out in quite a while and everyone was looking forward to it except for me. The last time that I had been to Las Vegas had been with Tim. Las Vegas was the last place on earth that I wanted to be even if it was supposed to be a fun weekend with friends. To make me even more reluctant to go, they had booked us into the same hotel that I had last stayed at with Tim, The Venetian. No way, was I going to Las Vegas, Michael. It was just too soon and too painful for me. They didn?t understand what my problem was and didn?t appreciate me bowing out on their attempts to cheer me up. I just didn?t want to go. You understand, don?t you? My last trip to Vegas had been with Tim. He and I had a wonderful time. While in Vegas he had bought me a clear, plastic box at the M& M store and filled it with green M&M?s and red M&M?s that spelled out the words ?Tim Loves Cynthia?. We had stood outside the Bellagio and watched the water show as one of my favorite songs (Luck Be a Lady) played from loud speakers. It was really fun. Tim had decided that he wanted a leather jacket (I can?t stand leather!) and he had made me walk from store to store with him until he found a jacket that he liked at Sak?s Fifth Avenue. The whole Las Vegas thing just had Tim written all over it for me. Going to Las Vegas at that time would have been painful rather than fun for me and so I decided to sit this one out. Sitting it out seemed to be a trend that fit me well at that time and before I knew it, I had made new friends that didn?t know me or that I used to be engaged to Tim. My old friends were suitably annoyed with my cold shoulder. I can?t blame them but it?s what I needed to do. I was going nuts with sadness and I needed to get away and start fresh. I sincerely believe that breaking off communication with some of my old friends and finding new friends has helped me to come to grips with certain things. Most of my friends are young and interpreted my behavior as a personal attack. I didn?t intend for things to be that way, they just were.

One of my friends called me last Wednesday as I was driving home from work. I was caught a little off guard because she is in my phonebook. Normally, I can tell when it is her calling. I answered my phone and was surprised to hear from her. We have known each other for almost 12 years and used to be very good buddies before, during, and after my engagement to Tim. She was one of the first people that I began to avoid because her company reminded me too much of Tim. I hadn?t seen her or returned or phone calls in well over a year. I sent her a card and a gift on her birthday and Christmas but I had refused to come out and play in quite some time. She wanted to go to a movie. She wanted to see Monster-in Law and go have a drink. I didn?t really have a chance to say no to her. The next thing I knew she had planned the whole thing and we were set to meet on Friday night. We ended up seeing Monster-in Law and then joining up with her and a few other friends for dinner in Huntington Beach. I?m not much of a drinker and neither is she but she did drink more than I did and so I became the designated driver. Later when I dropped her off at home that evening we gave each other a hug good bye. She stopped, as she was about to close the door to my car and said to me, ?Tonight was fun. Don?t leave again, o.k?? I knew what she meant by that and I looked away and told her ?I?m trying?. I could tell that she wanted to chat some more but she just gave me another hug and went inside. I was tired. I needed to get some sleep. She emailed me again tonight. She wants to hang out again on Saturday. Not sure what my plans are yet for Saturday night but I might be up to hanging out again. We?ll see?

I decided to do something else this week that is making me feel good, like I am heading in a positive direction. I am going to delete all of my email messages from Tim that have been sitting in my mailbox.

I had gone to work the day right after Tim died. I couldn?t stand the look of stunned pity on my families face for one second longer and so I went to my office to try to get some work done and hopefully get my mind off of things. When I got to my office I went straight to my Outlook folders. I specifically went to my sent and my deleted folders and did a search for Tim?s name. I never deleted anything at my old job because my old boss could be a real jerk at times and he would ask me for things that I had already deleted. So I learned to save my messages forever, if need be. When I searched for Tim?s name, up came dozens of emails that he had sent me to say that he loved me and wishing me a good day and all kinds of other messages from Tim. I forwarded all of those emails to my home email and put them in an email folder that I labeled ?My Love?. I have about 40 messages from Tim ranging from about April 2002- December 2002. I don?t ever really go into this email folder. It?s just there. Kind of like my box of Tim stuff that I had talked to you about before. It?s stuff that is there but it?s stuff that I don?t really dig into. I?m emptying out this folder and deleting it from my mailbox for good. It?s something that I feel needs to be done and I will feel better in the long run. I?ll keep the box of Tim stuff for a while longer. I?m making progress.

You mentioned dreams. Sorry that you keep having them. That can?t be fun. I hope that they go away soon. I hate to hear that you might be suffering. I guess you are right, though. I should be grateful that I am not having them. Never have had them, thank goodness!! Who knows though? There was many a night when I wished I had your problem. You?re going to think I am crazy but that other night you starred in my dreams. Ha! Me. She who never dreams of anything, conjured you up in a dream. Not just you, but MB, too! It was sooo weird! It was one of those dreams that you forget the minute you wake up what it is that you were dreaming about. All I remember is that you and MB were in it.

?It's not healthy to compare your new interest with your ex.? Tis true, MB. I agree with Mike 100% on this one. I plan to be extra careful when I get a new boyfriend. I won?t gush over Tim and simply tell my next boyfriend the bare minimum. I think it is rude to bring up past loves to a new love. I will focus on the here and now with a new boyfriend. I?ll elaborate more on my thoughts on this time. Mike, you already know where I stand on this.

Too funny!! I got a flat tire on Friday, too! I have AAA but my boss decided he wanted to roll up his sleeve and put my spare on for me. I took it to Pep Boy?s and bought a new tire. My old tire was not repairable. This is my second flat tire in a month, too! Ugh! I hate taking care of stuff like this. Oh well?

So much more to say but I have to get to work. I?ll address more of both of your comments some other time. Glad to hear that you both are doing well, though.

Cheers!

Lexi

[mb_rockstar]

hi lexi

yes, i'm very happy with my progress. as long as you're determined to do something, focus and it will happen. i'm glad to hear that you're working out too. just keep at it. you'll feel even better once you've reached your goal. i'm anxious to see my results. i think that is what drives me right now.

yes, mike is awesome for helping me with my resume. i can't thank him enough. thank you lexi for your advice. i definately will do that when i get a chance.

lol* yea, i'm taking a vacation too. it's awhole month away and just thinking about it sends excitement throughout my body. we will totally have a fabulous time. haha...don't have itinerary yet, but i'm sure we'll be talking about it soon.

*cross fingers for your successful proposal*

i started reading again. i forgot how nice it was to just sit in the park and read. i've only read the introduction to this book and already i'm excited to finish it. it's called, "instant rapport" by michael brooks. it talks about neurolinguistic programming and rapport technology. i'll share with you guys some more once i get deeper into it. already, it has open my eyes to things i knew was already there but now i actually recognize it, which in turn will help me solve certain issues in my life.

i never thought about this and i'm pretty sure some or all of you guys know about this, but hey...i learn something new everyday and my eyes are more open now after this one paragraph.

"Without rapport, life doesn't work. Literally. When you go to work, you work against the flow. Your boss becomes a horror to be with, your assistants don't underdstand what you're saying, and you don't engage your clients. When you come home, your relationships suffer. Your mate is hard to live with, miscommunication is the order of the day, and sharing - that part of relating which binds all others - is next to impossible. Living without rapport is throwing sand in the face of life; you don't get what you want, because you're unable to relate."

this is exactly what i have been experiencing to the "T." life for me was slowly falling apart....actually it has and now that i am more aware and more motivated, i can grow stronger and improve myself better.

haha* i read a quote in another book the other day. it said, "experience is another word for mistakes." i just thought that was funny. although, not always true, but it is in some cases.

wow...that's tough to compete against your siblings and to have your parents constantly on you about it. i kinda feel you. i have 3 half-sisters in another country. my oldest graduated from one of the most prestigious university in thailand. has a wonderful career and a wonderful husband. my parents compare myself to her all the time. it hurts. why do parents have to be so mean? i guess that's their way of pushing us because they love us so much. oh well... all i can tell them is to be patient and to show them little by little that i am improving myself and i will make them proud someday.

my other two sisters are different though. my middle sister is ill and cannot do much. she's like a stay-at-home mom without kids of her own. my last sister got married and has 3 children already. a pair of twin girls and another girl. my parents don't compare myself to them as much. not to say they are not successful in their own way. my parents see me doing so much more with my life. i'm still young and need to experience as much as i can.

you're right, people will put you down for the rest of your life. that's just life throwing obstacles at you, like a test to see what you would do. i know that now. to tell you the truth, i really don't care much about what people think about me or say about me. i know who i am and my friends and family know who i am. that's all that matters. and for those who are brutally honest with me at times, i utilize it to my advantage.

mike is a big boy. he can take care of himself. LOL* i'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind getting seduce by anyone there. hahaha*j/k.... or am i? whatever floats your boat mike. hehe...

thanks lexi! we'll definately have a blast!

whoa! we were in your dreams? how odd. lol* wonder what it was about....

hmm...anywho...i've been sitting in front of this laptop for almost two hours. geez...time flies. gotta get my lazy butt up and be somewhat productive today.

hey mike, wanna workout today? i'll join you.

[Mikey_]

Got nothing to do at work today and decided to reply here while listening to music. I got to work at 10:45am since I slept late last night taking those moonlight pictures.

Muscles? On a woman? Body-building style? Eww.

Resume? Anything to help someone in need. Thank you for the Cover Letter reminder! Completely forgot about that -- MB, I'll show you mine that you can use as a template since it took me nearly half a year to finally get a lot of responses back.

Washington, D.C.: Lexi, if you want to go, book your plane ticket SOON. It went up by $50 in just 1 week. Call in sick for the whole week? We're leaving Friday evening and coming back Tuesday evening. We'll either be booking a hotel or will be staying with my Korean friend, depending on whether her 3 roommates will mind. The former is probably the best choice. I really do want to drive to New York City once there and visit the East coast... Mb: maybe we don't need to book a hotel for Washington DC after all if we're going to be staying in NY area for a day or so.

Hope you'll get your proposal approved, Lexi!

Virginia eh? Oooh, I want to go see the Mulder and Scully hehehe...

Lexi, my youngest brother is in the same boat as you academically and more often than enough I feel helpless. I'd like him to move in with me so that I can help him out, but he's got other plans. At least he asks me for advice. My mom used to be on my back all the time too when it came to school, but as I grew up, she started trusting that I'd get good grades. Whenever I brought home a bad grade, she knew that I'd get that fixed the following semester. My worst college semester was back in 1999 when Kim kept rejecting me for a date. I was so down that I started flunking nearly every class. I think I got a 1.8 GPA that semester and it took me a couple years to get it back up and finally graduate with 2.8 -- still a long shot down from the 3.2 - 3.5 GPA I was used to. I feel ashamed of it, but I think I turned out okay.

Take care of me? Just because I'm still wearing diapers doesn't mean I'm still a baby! *crying*

Life is beautiful if you look for it. It won't just come to you while sitting on your lazy butt. Our lives still is better than in Third-World countries.

Yup, I have TWO new crabs One male ("Ninja") and one female (still unnamed.)

I'm actually glad Kim's sister and I met. It's been a loooong time since I last saw her. She seemed to have lost weight. Other than that, didn't really have much to talk with her about. She seemed too uncomfortable and so I let it go.

I know what you mean by not having hung out with Tim and your mutual friends. I have been doing the same as I don't want to put any friends in the middle or relay information back and forward. That's just nonsense, and what information would be shared could be very hurtful (at least for me.) Besides, they weren't really true friends -- just people who hung out with you when they felt bored. But I think the main reason would also be that seeing them would remind me too much of Kim. Heck, seeing a white Honda Accord instinctively makes me look at the license plate every single time. Last week MB and I actually did see a white Accord that had nearly the exact same license plate number, except for 1 digit being off. I think that was on Friday or Saturday when those bad dreams started.

Lexi, keep in mind that those friends were trying to help you. It really does take friends to help you pick yourself back up.

Yeah, I understand why you didn't want to go to Vegas. Crystal Cove (if that's the beach I'm thinking of) and other places are also no-no's for me, but things have changed, attitude-wise. I'll likely visit that beach again sometime. There's nothing that will stop me from being myself and if it does hurt once there, I'll deal with it like the recent, bad dreams. Things will be okay. The bad dreams haven't come back thus far, but the imagery of being behind the glass and shouting out to Kim to be careful still is solid in my mind. Dreamt that same dream twice and still don't know what they mean. I just refuse to think about them.

Leather jacket? Eww. Don't see why people like them. That was pretty neat, that M&M's thing

Gotta go. Will finish another time. Time to meet MB and others for workout.

Michael

[Mikey_]

Lexi,

In an e-mail, you mentioned Tim's full name -- I thought he was Asian? At least that's what I pictured all this time. The Bellagio water show is great -- some are extra-moving (I like the type of music that's "sweeping", eg. Lord of the Rings' "Samwise the Brave" from the sound track), but "Luck Be A Lady" unfortunately doesn't tease any of my emotions.

Sounds like one of your old friends understood that you needed time and is now making a conscious effort in restoring that friendship. Isn't that a great feeling?

I still have my old and new e-mail messages to/from Kim in my inbox, but it's in a folder I hardly, if at all, ever check. I also have e-mails archived back from 1998 when we still used Juno. Deleting Tim's messages is a good step. I'll hold on to mine for now. Kim's tooth brush and her sleeping pants/shirt still are where they always had been. I hardly ever look at them though, and if I do, I just ignore them. Anyway, deleting Tim's stuff definitely will help you feel better in the long-run.

I had an uncomfortable dream about Kim this morning, but don't remember what it was. I woke up with a heart ache, but it wasn't as bad as last weekend. It literally hurt after those bad dreams of last week as if somebody actually hit me. It's pathetic, but I can't explain either what happened.

MB and I starred in your dreams? Eh... Was our performance Oscar-worthy?

So, the intinary is to arrive in Washington DC on Saturday morning after a brief stop in Vegas. We (3 people) will then be heading over to Baltimore and New York City and spend a night there to explore the city that never sleeps. We'd return on Sunday to explore Washington DC on Monday and Tuesday. I have an itch to drive all the way up to Toronto or Niagara Falls, but that's unreasonable. I'd like to enjoy my vacations like never before: taking your time to explore smaller areas, rather than do the typical Asian thing: explore as large an area as possible. In other words: relaxation. There will be other times to explore the rest of the World.

The female crab keeps wanting to get out of the water -- this concerns me if she falls out of the tank. So, I'll have to figure something out to continuously create an air pocket in the fish tank somehow for the crabs to go into once in a while.

"Without rapport, life doesn't work. Literally. When you go to work, you work against the flow. Your boss becomes a horror to be with, your assistants don't underdstand what you're saying, and you don't engage your clients. When you come home, your relationships suffer. Your mate is hard to live with, miscommunication is the order of the day, and sharing - that part of relating which binds all others - is next to impossible. Living without rapport is throwing sand in the face of life; you don't get what you want, because you're unable to relate."

Yup.

The other day, MB and I hung out at Newport Back Bay after work. It was relaxing for both of us. We had the crazy idea of going into one of the darker, dense areas of the bay and I took some pictures under that huge tree. One of them was of a tunnel that eerily echoed back anything that was said. It was freaky, to say the least. (I may post a picture here soon) So, I decided to do something different: fart. Fart as loud as I could. Push it. Literally. And I apparently succeeded so much that this one fart was heard by a woman that was walking by. Mb, why don't you tell this story? I was completely clueless that somebody else beside MB heard it since we were behind dense, dark vegetation.

There were 25 police cars showing up at the 24 Hour Fitness Garden Grove location the other day (I work out there most of the time mainly because my partners like seeing the pretty girls there. I just go there to work out and don't even really bother looking at anyone cute, ESPECIALLY when I'm on the tread mill. If I do, it's usually for a brief few seconds.) The place was just swarming with police and a helicopter. Some were in a riot suit. Haven't really worked out much the past month, but started again last week. My weight's still quite stable, considering that I've cheated on too numerous of occasions.

Eh, one of my friends' girlfriend's brother just farted next to me. Eh.... I'll be heading home later today to take mom and dad shopping for clothing, food, and show them life outside the donut shop. I may also take them home shopping and/or to the beach. If we do, it'll be a picnic or a nice restaurant at the beach. If it's the latter, they'll probably object, but it's for the experience and for family time, you know? I'll convince them somehow.

An acquaintance asked me to go camping with her and her boyfriend this weekend. Nah.

I may go hiking alone on Monday, depending on what the family trip will encompass.

Ciao!

Michael

[mb_rockstar]

oh my goodness! mike farted so loud that it echoed!! when it happened, i looked up to see if anyone was outside the dense area. i spotted this lady walking by. she turned her head towards us and smiled. i started cracking up and then she started laughing too. LOL* man...that was hilarious!! sigh* i'm still laughing.

anyhow, i hope everyone has a great memorial day weekend. i'll be working, unfortunately. wish i could go hiking too, but i guess there will be other times.

[Mikey_]

Did it really echo?? Anyway, I was hoping for that lady to NOT see us, but I guess she did hehehe...

EDIT: Here's where we were when that fart shocked the World (sort of.)



There won't be any hiking on Monday since I'll spend more time with family today. I can, however, help you finish your resume, MB. Have you had the chance to finish it up yet?

Took mom and little bro to Brea: Old Navy, Macy's, Anchor Blue, The Limited, American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, Robinson's May, and Gap today for clothing shopping. Mom didn't find anything until we hit Robinson's May -- she found a suit she liked (it makes her look slim) but something about it bothered me. I think it was the pink. It didn't look good on her, or perhaps it's because I prefer pink as an accent color -- not as the suit's main color. Someone dressed in all pink like Reese Whiterspoon in "Legally Blonde" just drives me nuts (in a bad way.) Mom looked very happy though and so I let her have her moment and paid for the whole purchase. I'll have to take another look at her wearing it before telling her my "bad vibe."

She also bought a boot-cut jean. Can't wait to see her in it. My little bro bought clothing that fits him well. I didn't find anything for myself.

So, we headed on over to Nordstrom Rack to buy myself a pair of new sandals (old one's falling apart) and perhaps another set of dress shoes. Didn't find anything for a long time and I eventually started to give up when suddenly somebody familiar walked by. I didn't recognize her at first because she avoided eye contact, but when I turned around: it was Kim's mom. Wanted to say "hi" to her but decided not to because I'm pretty sure I'm less than welcome after that kicking incident between Kim and me.

I sort of had a feeling that Kim was around too and as I was heading towards my mom, there she was... Kim shopping for clothing. I was happy and walked straight up to her without thinking of what I was about to do or what I was going to say next. I just stood next to her and waited for her to look up for a surprise. I felt my heart pounding like crazy and a rock stuck in the throat. Then she looked up -- seemingly surprised and shocked at the same time. And I choked. She looked very good and for some reason I just didn't know what to say! You could say that I was in awe, and all I could think of was look towards mom when she joyfully came over to embrace Kim. They had a little chat and during all that time, I didn't know what to say or do. I was still in shock for some reason.

What kind of bothered me was when mom told Kim that I have a job. Huh? Where did THAT come from all of a sudden? I wanted to say that it's an okay job when Kim suddenly said something even more surprising: "I know." She does?

I looked at Kim several times more and really wanted to give her a hug, but instead chose to keep my hands in my pockets. I remember long time ago when Kim wanted to hug her ex-boyfriend and how he kept pushing her away. I didn't want to go through that myself nor make her feel uncomfortable.

We eventually departed and continued on with shopping. It was down time. I think that after about 5-10 minutes, I snapped myself out of it and became cheery again. Told myself to be happy that she's leading a happier life now. Told myself to be happy that I saw her again. I smiled to myself and went on with my merry way. Did I MISS her though! But I was content.

Next trip was to Tustin to go home shopping. The next 1 hour was quiet in the car. I saw in mom's eyes how much she missed Kim. I also saw that she was trying not to cry. I'm sure mom noticed that about me too no matter how hard I tried to hide all the emotions. Little brother was sleeping in the back seat. The only thing that made any noise was the radio.

Mb, we arrived at that blue house (pictured below) I showed you last time... It didn't look as nice in the day light, but we got to tour 6 of the model homes. The first house (not pictured) we went into... WHOA! Shock and awe! Literally! I was NEVER blown away by a house before and this was IT! It shouted, "Buy me!" I was in love! She's sexy, she's the whole package, and knows how to please a man. I'm pathetic. I'm in love! hehehe.... Price tag: $1,020,000 and up. Whoa! Ouch. Still... I was in LOVE! And that extra studio outside that home? Whoa!

The other 2 homes next to that one couldn't compare to it. Then we went to see that blue house you and me looked at the other days... Whoa! Price tag: $897,000 and up. It's my second choice, but it's still quite a favorite with me: roomy, very welcoming, spacious (pictured below.) The other 2 homes next to that one didn't compare either.


"Blue house"


View near the "blue house"

Mom and I continued to be in a dreamy state all the way to nearby Sam Woo/99 ranch market, throughout the entire shopping trip, and all the way back home. And even while we were cooking, we were still talking about the first home we saw. How much would down payment be? What's the mortgage? Can my brother and I afford it? (Mom offered to help, but I told her NO.) Yes, we could afford it -- provided we won't lose our job for the next 30 years. Ouch. But... when a man's in love... Noodle-eating for the next 30 years! 99 cent Fast Food feasts! Ah, the old days at ictp... Been there, done that. Don't want to do that again.

Anyway, MB. I've GOT to take you to that house... Like I said, I have NEVER been blown away by a house before, and this one was IT! It was elegant, sexy, classy, very welcoming, stylish, and roomy!

Mom: "I wouldn't mind retiring there." No kidding. Tell me about it. Offered mom to stay with us if we do buy it, but then I remembered: her business is in Moreno Valley. Hmph.

Anyway, that was the highlight for the day. The second highlight was watching mom happily shopping for clothing and us enjoying some time together. I really wanted to take her to the beach after home shopping, but she insisted we go home and cook soon before dad woke up for work.

So, we taught each other a few things about cooking, and she taught me 2 meals: sour soup with catfish, and hmm... don't know what it's called, but I'll name it, "Glazed Pork Feet." The latter's really simple to make, but if I'll ever make it in the future, I'd like to add wine to it to give it that extra "umph." We'll be enjoying the feast with dad tomorrow after work

I have to wake up early tomorrow to beat dad to changing the oil in my car.

It was a worthwhile day today. It was definitely good to see Kim again despite my being practically frozen like a stone. She's the ONLY person who's been able to freeze me like that and to make my heart pound as crazy as it did today. I did NOT expect my body to react that way. It definitely confirms why the dreams have been occuring -- the subconscious mind is trying to tell you something. Anyway, her birthday's coming up this week... I still have no idea how to send her my best wishes and much happiness.

Lexi, do you recall that woman begging for money the other day? I saw her at the Pho place again -- this time, she didn't have her jacket on and her white shirt definitely got dirtier than last time. I gave her some money this time around instead of trying to ask her to follow me to the restaurant again. The entire drive back home made me think about her. One of the dominant thoughts was how one can go from rock-bottom to being okay, and what I could do to help get it started. How extremely tough it must be to not know any English and how depressing/self-defeating the situation may become for her. I eventually let those thoughts go.

Invited little bro to go to Washington, D.C./New York City with us. He's thinking about it. Hope you don't mind, Mb. If you do, let me know.

Oh, after July 5th, I'll be telling myself to go into "Saving" mode to get ready to buy a home. I'm excited... and I just can't hide it hehehe... Seriously! Can't wait.

Michael

EDIT: The pictures of Newport Back Bay from May 5, 2005 are up: http://hkss.com/comm/bbs/viewtopic.php?t=422. Others will follow when I have time editing them.

[Lexi]

Hi Mike,

You don?t like ?Luck be a Lady?? I think it is a catchy tune and I love it. Actually, I enjoy most any kind of music. Music relaxes me. I tend to listen to rock/alternative music the most. I even enjoy listening to music that I don?t understand such as Kit Chan. She?s one of my fav?s. My tastes in music pretty much run the gamete from Elvis Priestly and the Beach Boys to Ella Fitzgerald and Limp Bizkit. I really do enjoy pretty much any kind of music. Oh! I love the music from Lord of the Rings, too.

So you have been picturing Tim as Asian? Nope. He was Caucasian. Tim was blue-eyed and blonde. Sorry if I mislead you. Not that race or ethnicity makes any difference to me when choosing a significant other, Tim was the first ?white guy? that I ever felt myself really attracted to. I think I mentioned in another message that the only thing I ever really look for in a man is kindness and intelligence. If he?s hot than that, of course, is an added bonus but looks is not really what keeps me coming back for more. It?s kind of weird, even to me, that I found Tim so attractive since historically, I have always kind of had a thing for Asians and Black guys.

Don?t get me wrong, Tim was very handsome but he just was not the type of guy that I usually go for. Blondes don?t usually do anything for me. I like brunettes with dark, soulful eyes. Tim had absolutely stunningly beautiful clear blue eyes. I used to compliment his pretty blue eyes all the time.
He was tall, athletic; I always thought he was pretty gorgeous for more reasons than just the physical. He tended to be a bit moody and serious but he had a good heart. To me, a man with a genuine heart is worth his weight in gold. Tim had the added bonus that he was one of those guys that make your knees go weak and he never really knew it. For some strange reason, even though I would tell Tim all the time that I thought he was magnificent, he genuinely never saw himself as gorgeous. He was very modest and unassuming about his good looks. He actually lacked self-confidence at times. I?ll never be able to figure that one out but he did lack confidence. It was kind of weird. Though, I won?t go into detail, his lack of self-confidence sometimes turned me off.

Early on in our relationship he would always kind of think that I was going to meet someone else and leave him. It drove me nuts because I really loved him and I wanted him to be as certain as I was that he was the most amazing person on the planet. It really did hurt me that he lacked so much faith in me and in himself. I know that at first my behavior didn?t always give him the impression that I was interested in being with him forever but he was going so fast for me, Michael, and I was so damn immature. I was so pathetically green and immature. Trust me; you are not the only one who regrets things that they did to hurt their ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. I know that for a while I was really tearing him apart. I kind of realized this later in the relationship when I had already inflicted quite a bit of pain. What can I say? He was my first relationship. I was soooOOOooo freakin immature. I can?t believe that he stuck it out with me for so long. I can tell you this much, I have grown up quite a bit and I won?t make the mistakes that I made early on in my relationship with Tim again. Tim and I could be pretty stupid at times. It?s all part of growing up, I guess. I am so glad that I had him as a teacher/mentor/boyfriend. I think anyone else but Tim might have told me to screw off and dumped me.

The last two years of our relationship truly were wonderful. I had started to kind of grow up and began looking at our life differently. I had finally managed to drill it into Tim?s head that I was not going anywhere and that I loved him more than anything else in the world and that he could stop being so possessive and insecure. We had reached a place where we could let down our guard and just kind of be in love.. We were like an old married couple. He didn?t even have to speak for me to know what was on his mind and vice versa. Once we got some things out of the way, our relationship improved greatly.

To be honest with you, though, if I were some kind of weird, mad scientist with the ability to create the impression of the perfect man, I would create him a brunette with dark eyes and he would either be Asian (preferably Chinese) or Black.

Yes, seeing my friend really did brighten my day. I missed her. I missed her more than I cared to admit. I had wanted to call her on several occasions since but I just never did.

You have old messages from Kim, too? You crack me up! Could there be two bigger sentimental dorks out there than you and me? O.k. I have a confession. I didn?t delete all of my messages from Tim. I did delete most of them. I had 48 messages from him and I now I am down to only 6 of them. There was a couple that I just didn?t want to part with yet. Nothing earth shattering, just Tim being a goofball telling me that he loved me. I never look in this email folder. Too hard still. I just feel happy knowing that it is there. I know that eventually I will delete all of these messages. Perhaps when I meet someone new it will be an easier thing to do.

Awww, I am sorry about your heartache. I totally sympathize with you on that. Can we look on the bright side? At least, as you mentioned, it was not as bad as it was last weekend. Random heartaches used to strike me at all hours of the day especially at night and on weekends. I still get weepy and cry baby-ish but thank goodness not as much as I used to. It used to tear me apart to think about Tim. Increasingly, rather than feeling overwhelming sadness about Tim, I actually feel peace and acceptance. Not all the time, but perhaps 98% of the time. I am looking forward to the day when I can think of him with dry eyes. But I?ll shut up about this for now. I have a cold and I have a long day at work ahead. Won?t take much to get me to cry about this and so on to the next topic. I do wish you peace and heartache free days.

You know what? I think you and MB starred in my dreams because I was obsessing on the trip to DC. I really enjoyed my last visit there and I would have loved to join you guys. But I can?t. I?ll tell you why? it?s funny how you spent the weekend kind of looking into the same things that I did. Great minds think alike...

On Friday, before leaving work, I applied for a home loan. I want to buy a house, condo, or townhouse. I have some money that I would like to invest and I have decided that I will invest it in real estate. I am not sure if will move in to the property myself or if I will continue to live at home and rent it out. I have wanted to do this for some time and I just never really followed through with it. I think now is as good a time as any as interest rates are still low. I have an appointment to with different lenders on Thursday. Tim?s dad is a real estate investor and is kind of coaching me along on some of the things that I need to look for in a mortgage. I feel confident. I don?t earn very much money and I would never in a zillion years ask my parents for help with this. They will have their hands full with their own retirement to worry about. They love me but I just would never accept help from my 60 something year old parents on this.

I have been pre-qualified, on my present salary, and current financial situation (IRA, stocks, mutual funds, and other savings) for $419,000. I was pre-qualified for that amount not pre-approved. There is a difference. On Thursday, I will be talking to a few lenders to cement this offer. I also plan to be busy the next couple of days shopping around to see if I could get a better mortgage. It?s pretty exciting. Only problem is that for $400K you can?t get anything in Orange County. A two bedroom condo in a decent neighborhood almost goes for that much. If I buy it in South County, it?s even more. I probably won?t be buying a house. I?ll probably get a townhouse or condo. I?m not sure yet. I have a lot to think about. I actually think I am just going to buy it and rent it out. I?d like to move out but I think that at this time it would be better for me to continue to live at home. Lot?s of reasons for this that I won?t go into right now. Tell you more later.

Ever since I talked myself into just going for it with the property purchase, I have decided that I need to put myself in a saving mode. I have put in for my two weeks vacation for October. I was planning on traveling all over the place and having fun with one of my aunts in October but I think I will need to stay local during my vacation if I have a house by then.

I love the homes that you are looking at. They are simply beautiful! I hope to one day be able afford that. Maybe when I get married and we pull together two incomes but right now there is no way I could ever afford that. I have a sizeable down payment to put down but not even that would be able to help me out at the price range you?re looking at. I will buy something like that one of these days but I think I will need to buy and sell a few houses and make some money before I can even begin to dream of something like that.

I have a sister who used to live in Aliso Viejo. She and her husband bought a house in Aliso Viejo about 5 years ago. It was cute. One of those cookie cutter homes that all kind of look the same off of Moulton Parkway. They purchased it for about $500,000, five years ago. As a wedding present, I gave her half of the down payment for it. Her husband earned over $100,000 a year and they were doing well. He was a finance manager for ATT. Unfortunately he was laid off like 2 days after they closed the loan on the house. It was awful. My sister makes an o.k. salary. She makes about $20,000 a year more than I do. But they now had this whooping mortgage bill, car payments on a brand new Mercedes and a Ford Expedition as well as my nephew?s private school tuition bills. They had just purchased an RV about a year before he was laid off and quite frankly they were not making it on my sister?s salary alone. She?s my sister and well, my nephew means the world to me and so I was helping out as much as I could. I was helping to make my sister?s house payments so that they wouldn?t lose the house. Everything was just going down hill for her for a while. It sucked. They traded the cars for more affordable cars. They sold the RV and they concentrated on keeping the house. My brother-in-law spent 21 months without a job. He could not find a job anywhere. He decided to go back to school and get his teaching credential. He became a teacher. We all know that teachers do not make 100K a year- more like 45K a year, if that. They had to some more serious downsizing. They sold the house in Aliso Viejo. It was a two-story, 4 bedroom 3 bathroom house that was just a short bike ride to the beach. She sold it a year ago for almost a million dollars. It was cool. She took that money and they moved to Riverside. I hate Riverside!!! I totally miss my nephew but I do make a point of seeing him at least once every two weeks or so. They bought a huge house even bigger than the one that you showed me in the picture for just under $500,000 in Riverside. Its way more room than they will ever need. They only have one kid and don?t plan to have any others. But they seem to be happy. The house has a windy, curvy, staircase, and all kinds of other nice amenities like a super huge kitchen and a swimming pool. They bought another RV and they seem to be doing alright. Their payment on this house is much lower and they are less stressed. I do miss my nephew though. I used to go pick him up for dinner sometimes after work and we would hang for a while. He and I are very close. I am happy that my sister has her finances in order now. I was not sure how much longer I could continue helping her make the mortgage payments. What a relief!

My ventures into the real estate world will be much smaller and more deliberate. I am looking at buying something for no more than $400K and turning around and selling it at a profit in a year or two. I kind of need to talk to Tim?s dad some more to just kind of bounce ideas off of him. He?s infinitively more knowledgeable than me about real estate stuff and is always ready to give me his thoughts. I really appreciate him.

I have to be honest. All of this is a little bittersweet. I had always imagined that when I bought a house it would be with Tim and we would live happily ever after. He already owned property but you know what I mean. Don?t you? Shopping for a place with your mate, it?s what we all kind of dream of. I used to dream of the day that I would go house shopping with him and we would find a place to raise our children. Ha! I imagined something much more romantic than what I am now contemplating doing; shopping for rental/investment property. I am trying to look at the bright side and reminding myself to stop being so melodramatic and romantic about things. If there is a way to put a romantic spin on something, I will find it. Oh well, this is a business opportunity and nothing more. Hopefully my future husband will appreciate my early efforts to build us a nice, financial nest egg with which to take care of our children and ourselves.

Hmmm, you and your gaseous eruptions are kind of gross. You?re a dork! We won?t talk about my tendency to fart in my sleep? You and MB will never want to let me join you on one of your sleepovers then!

Oh my gosh!!! Your Kim story had me on the edge of my seat! I was so hoping that she would at least hug you good-bye or something. It almost made me want to cry. What is wrong with giving a person a hug?!? That must have been really difficult for you. Your poor mom? I totally feel bad for your mom, too. You mentioned that your mom and your family really liked Kim. I feel bad for all of you guys. You know what? I have to tell you. I can?t pull that kind of crap. I can?t. I just can?t do that. It?s not in my nature to be so aloof. I try to be, but somehow I just don?t ever really pull it off. I used to tell Tim that no matter what happened between us that I wanted to us to be friends forever. I don?t know how realistic that would have been but I knew that I would have wanted to see him happy.

Now I am totally curious! MB!! Do you think Kim ever comes in here and reads these posts? I totally wish that she would? Hmmm, how does she know you have a new job? hmm, is Ms. Kim coming around and fishing for information about you? Maybe? For your sake, I hope so.

Ha! Your mom is hysterically funny, too! I can totally picture it, ?Check out my son, he?s got a new job?. She is too cute! Reminds me of my own lovable but big mouthed mother who feels compelled to share things about my personal life with perfect strangers.

I have to admit that my mom would be calling for your public stoning, too if she found out that you had kicked me. May I offer you some advice on this topic? Next time, approach the mom and say hello. It?s the only way that you will ever even begin to redeem yourself in her eyes. I know that you have mentioned in the past that you never felt quite welcome in Kim?s family to begin with. That is to be expected. But give yourself your place. I believe that you are sorry and won?t do it again. You kind of need to portray some of that to Kim?s mom if you ever hook up with Kim again. I won?t dwell on this topic anymore because I know that it?s upsetting for you... I don?t really understand how these things happen. It?s never happened to me and so I?d rather not comment on something I don?t understand.

I have so much more to say but I am sick and I have to get to work. I?ll come back later. Did I tell you I have a cold and a sore throat? My throat feels so scratchy? Is it possible to cough so hard that you break your ribs? I think my ribs are broken... J/K, but I don?t feel good and so I gotta go.
Mexico was a blast but again, I was sick and so I didn?t enjoy it as much as I would have had I been well.

Talk to you later?Have a wonderful day, Mikey!