Niicky: When you buy plants for the fishes, I suggest you get the man-made type. Real-life plants look good, but they also add an additional layer of maintenance you have to do due to increased algae growth, etc. How's your sister doing?
Lexi: once again you're giving me more credit than I deserve, especially photography. But thank you for the compliments. Hmm... go to Catalina to take pictures? Sounds like a good idea! One day, one day I'll do that too...
Yup, been living on my own for nearly a decade now. Attempted to cook in the beginning years until I met Kim. She didn't like my cooking and so I sort of stopped. She took really good care of me and for that I am very grateful although at times it was a bit too much. It was her way of showing her love though. I wanted to make a chicken cheese quesadilla from scratch (without the use of any recipes) the other day but because there was no chicken available (and I didn't have much time to cook), I decided to conjure my own quesadilla. It wasn't too bad! It tasted like a bit of taco, a bit of quesadilla, and I don't remember what else. The experience gave me a few ideas for the next time I cook.
Well, both the acquaintance and the friend looked very tired and no way would I let them drive home on their own. I also offered for the friend to sleep over if she wanted to (the one who I drove home at 6am), but she needed to get back to the dorm to get ready for class later in the evening.
Glad your classes are doing better now. You shouldn't get yourself stressed too much -- not only will it affect you, but also other people. I know that in my relationship, Kim and I let our own stresses affect our love -- and most importantly -- our friendship in such an ugly way.
Why did I think I was a piece of crap for such a long time? Well, for one, I realized that I FAILED horribly in our relationship. I also regretted saying the bad things to Kim to keep her away from me (when I left her), but later I researched that when people break up, they tend to say things they don't mean only to get the other person to leave them alone. The articles I read (from psychology sites and publications -- I don't trust those written by magazines. I find that they are often written in such a way to make the reader feel good so that a renewal is guaranteed) also state that when couples break up, they tend to block out the very things that he/she loved about the other person -- it's a way for the brain to justify the break-up and moving on -- when in fact they were subconsciously deeply in love with the other person (as was revealed through hypnosis with the subjects.) I was EXACTLY like that, it's almost freaky. Humans do act similarly, I suppose.
For example, I kept telling Kim that I attempted to leave the relationship multiple times before because I didn't feel right about it. I know that saying that hurt her really badly, but in hindsight, the attempted break-ups were an excuse for me to leave and not try to work things out. I never did try to work things out with her and that's one of the biggest mistakes that I now know I made. Deep inside, I still loved Kim tremendously but my reasoning was that if I did love her that much, why didn't things work out between us? Well, for one: I didn't realize until much later that I didn't make sufficient effort to make things work. A little too late, huh?
For a long time, Kim unintentionally (I'm sure) kept putting me down too to the point where I felt I was definitely an useless, stupid piece of crap. I felt like an inadequate human being just like how I'm sure she felt like when I left her. There apparently is a science (based on the articles) in knowing how to make things work -- all the more power to those who have figured it out as long as they don't abuse that knowledge like players tend to.
I've been working on regaining my confidence and realizing that I'm not so bad after all has been helping. I've been putting on a mask too though. I may seem happy, confident, and so on, but deep inside, I miss Kim so dearly. Every day I wonder how she's doing, what she's been up to, what her new dreams are, and so on. A couple times I drove to her home in the late evening just to drive by and see her dark bedroom window. Believe it or not, both times made me feel peace and happiness knowing how peacefully she must be sleeping despite the utter cold and rain right at those moments. I still vividly remember how Kim sleeps and wanting to place the blanket over her doesn't help. Obsession? No. It just helped me realize that despite me telling myself that I don't care about her and so on, I still love her tremendously. I've wanted to hold her hand and tell her that face-to-face with true sincerity and genuinity, but I know that's the last thing she wants to hear. I've refrained myself from contacting her because I know she's happier without me right now. I don't want to spoil her happiness. I WANT her to be happy.
So, yes, I've been hiding what I truly feel for her, but I think it's best that she doesn't know and that I don't show it. It's perhaps best for HER that I close the chapter to our 7-year friendship despite how I've changed so much. She's the reason for my changes and I know that what I've been doing won't be in vain. It has only made me better. This Saturday will be most difficult. Not only will I lose the love of my life (remember when I said I know what I want? Well, I'm sure you can guess what that may be), but also my best friend whom I love and trusted so much.
She hasn't contacted me for weeks and I can only surmise that she definitely is happier without me. I haven't contacted her either as I don't want to be the thorn in her shoes. The saying is true: If you truly love someone, you've got to let them go.
If only she'd be willing to give it one more try... if only, you know?
I know that on Saturday, I'll be saying my last thanks for the relationship she and I had. Here are some of the memories I cherish the most:
- The different types of smiles, giggles, and laughters she has. The guilty (my most favorite), the I-just-got-an-awesome-deal, the yay-hunny-gave-in-after-giving-the-puppy-eyes, the naughty, the I'm-sad-but-pretend-to-be-happy, the I'm-proud-of-hunny, the Hunny's-so-stupid/dorky, the Hunny-you-just-surprised-me smiles...
- The different types of sad faces and tears, especially the You-hurt-me-BIG-time one. I don't think I'll ever forget that look...
- The different ways she looked at me, particularly the one where she held both of my cheeks with her hands and just looked straight at my eyes with love. Sometimes she forgets and accidentally slapped me afterwards only to smile (the guilty one) and apologize. I also still vividly remember how her face lights up whenever I did something nice for her. And who can forget the way she holds the finger under her nose when she smells something funny, or the way she laughed when she managed to get her first fart heard by me. My taking the time to meet her after she got off work (which unfortunately stopped when I started working at ictp.) The long, quiet drive down Ball Road towards Long Beach all the while holding our hands is another moment I won't forget. I felt extremely close to her at that time, but again, I let my mind tell myself to hide that from her.
- Our traditions: stopping by a certain place whenever we went to Yorba Linda's Albertson's together and occasionally picked up a bottle of chocolate milk. Her eyeing the chocolate cake when she knew it wasn't good for her. The bringing of the pillow and blanket whenever we went on trips together. The cuddling up in front of the TV when watching a movie. The falling asleep together after her hearing my breathing and me holding her in my arms. Our counting of the number of In 'N' Outs we discovered when we went on trips. The looking out for GAP stores.
- The way she gloats whenever she knew something others didn't and how she held herself back from blurting out the answer when asked. The way she talks with children and corrects me on grammar whenever I said "you and I." How she lights up whenever I found a Chinese movie for her or a song she'd love. Whenever she said, "Hunny smart!" The way she enjoyed overfeeding me and commenting how nicely round I was.
- The way she cries when someone in her family gave her grief. I still vividly remember the last time she did that on my bed and I held her until she was calm again.
I could write a whole book about her, but it's best that I stop. I have to continue finding the strength to let her go if I want her to be happy. If only she knew how much I'm willing to work things out with her. True, it won't be an easy task with all the hurt that's been caused between the both of us, but with love, determination, and patience from both, anything can be made possible. Kim and I were always a very good team in just about anything we worked on until I started letting ictp's long hours and her unemployment stress take their ugly tolls. Isn't our 7 years worth trying to save? She once said "yes", but that was long ago...
I've become a much stronger person, but just so that you know, the feelings for Kim is one of the most difficult things for me to hide. I know that on Saturday, I'll have to be even stronger, and even more from that day on.
Anyway, I watched a few Chinese movies the past few days. The ones where there's no fighting involved -- just nice, heart-warming stories. I particularly enjoyed "Happy Times" -- it was both sad and motivational.
Lexi, you shouldn't take actions based on what people tell you. It's best to only listen to them, think about it, and then do when you are ready or what you're most comfortable with. Just go with what your heart says. I've learned (a little too late) that following your heart usually is the best way to go. Right now, my heart says to fight for Kim to come back, but hmm.. I'm not listening to my own advice again. Anyway, take all the time you need to let Tim go, but try not to dwell on him for too long. Remember, he'd WANT you to be happy.
I'm sorry to hear about the day Tim died. I can relate to that a bit because on the day I eagerly wanted to surprise Kim that I have finally realized that she IS the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, Kim in a way, "died" too: she was no longer part of my life when she indicated that she was taking steps to move on... I can still recall that only 2 days prior to that, she still said that she very much loved me. This "death" happened again when she handed over the keys to my apartment months later, and again on that snowboarding weekend when she did something I asked her to never do to me. I know that those events aren't as strong as Tim's actual death, but I felt like I was grieving multiple times during the entire time. Do you know what I mean?
Kim has distanced herself so much from me, that I actually once compared her (and still do) to one of our former friends who only called when she needed something. It's even more sad when I realized that she was doing the same to me (and I'm sure she has her own reasons.) Whenever I called, she kept keeping our conversations as short as possible, hardly ever even asking how I was doing. Many times, she only called when she needed something, and even to this day, the only contact I get from her is through an occasional text message on my cell phone. I asked her a couple times why she chooses to not call me instead, but that's okay.
The last time she and I sort of talked was when we went snowboarding that one weekend. I wanted to teach her how to snowboard so that she'd be able to enjoy it better. She agreed but after a while, she became frustrated and upsettingly said, "Why can't I just snowboard my own way?" I was surprised... After a while, I told her that she didn't have to get upset if she didn't want me to teach her. That pretty much was our last conversation. Ever since then I pretty much stopped doing anything for her. I noticed that no matter what I did from the bottom of my heart, she almost always seemed to find something to complain about, overshadowing what kind thing I did for her.
Don't get me wrong, Kim is a VERY loving person. She's a very good girl and she's got a heart that almost no-one I know can match. The things I just shared don't reflect who she really is. What she's been doing is exactly what those psychology publications talked about... She's still hurt by what I did and is subconsciously refusing to see who I really am now, unintentionally finding something to justify her reasons to move on. I did the same when I left her -- I was blind to all the changes SHE went through. I didn't see any of that until I put my own walls down. That's perfectly normal, believe it or not, and those articles are more than a decade old!
Lexi, you seem to be doing pretty well yourself too, and if talking about relationships here helps you, the better for you
Trust me, I won't be using cheesy pick-up lines or using words that supposedly help women to fall for you. I'm not into that "I've got charm" thing, although you've got to admit, this line he taught me is pretty good: "Excuse me. I'm trying to be as sincere as possible and I'm sure you've heard this a lot, but when I first saw you, I think I forgot to breathe." Who wouldn't love to hear that? That "Doll", "Sugar", "Babe" thing... trust me, I refuse to say that too unless it's with that special one. I don't know how he does it, but the women at work seem to like him and he calls practically everyone there who's pretty, "babe", including his ex. He *IS* fun to hang out with though.
Even the way he played his ex was very smooth. Think about it: "You're not my type of girl, but let's give it a try." Sleeps with her the first week, dumps her 2.5 months later. That's a pretty smooth way of saying, "Let's have sex." He once told me that she wasn't that good in bed and even attempted to hook me up with her so that she's get over him. After the break-up, he also attempted to go for another girl (genuine or not) a week later when she was not doing so well with her boyfriend. Too bad his ex thinks he did nothing wrong when everybody else, including his previous 2 ex'es find what he did was utterly despicable. Add to that that he finds a certain friend to be his perfect type of girl and yet goes out with women who supposedly aren't his type, and you can see one of the reasons for why I no longer associate myself with him as a friend. What else I don't like about him is that he kept looking up an acquaintance's skirt that one night long, long time ago when they gambled. Come on, even *I* have more class than that! I saw him lowering his head and looking up. I wanted to tell her to close her legs, but I didn't want to embarass her. Thankfully, her cousin noticed it and kept telling her to close them, but over time, she kept forgetting and he kept looking up again.
Most of my friends feel that he doesn't care about anyone but himself. That also explains why he doesn't have the guts to tell this not-so-pretty woman that there's no chance between them when it's clear that she likes him a lot. Yet, he invites her over and goes clubbing with her. Do you see why I dislike people like that? People who don't respect other people's feelings? Funny thing is, he always has a very good explanation for his actions, but when you really think about it, it's a bunch of BS. He reminds me of the president of my former workplace, ictp!
It may be true that the non-"rico suave" type are most attractive, but it seems that the "rico suave" type are the ones who score the most, although they tend to be short-term. For a long time I compared myself to this former friend of mine and even looked up to him for his charm and the way he talked to women. But in hindsight, I don't know why I did that. I've learned that I don't need to compare myself to anyone: I'm PROUD of who I have become!
The apartment lease mentions nothing about regular carpet shampooing. In fact, the past 3 apartment leases I entered into had no such mentions... Are you sure about that?
I went snowboarding with my little brother last Thursday. My abs are still sore from it as we snowboarded more than normal (there were no more than 20 people on the slopes! Nice!) I've also taught my little brother a little bit and now he's quite good. He accidentally went to the double-black slope (the MOST difficult one) once and I went with him. He spent most of his time sliding down on his butt because once you fall on a double-black, there's nothing you can do but slide until a bump stops you haha... At least he's gone on one and now no slope can scare him anymore. In fact, he actually found a couple of the single-diamond slopes quite fun (it was more powdery because not many people go on those.) Kept thinking about Kim though and how much she'd have enjoyed the snow, but I forced myself to forget about her. Worked most of the time, sort of.
No, my biological clock isn't ticking. I don't want children right NOW, but I have been, however, ready to settle down with a wife I could take care of and share dreams with. I just hope that Kim would be her, but it's pretty safe to say that that won't happen.
February 19 may seem like a harsh deadline, but at what point is enough, enough? If I don't set this date for myself, then when should I stop waiting and hoping? Don't get me wrong, I dearly, dearly and genuinely love her, but if that love's no longer reciprocated, it'll only become unhealthy. She won't be coming back, I already know that. Her fear of the former me still is strong, I know that too. Her hopes for a future, better person also is strong, I know that too. But I've got to be strong and tell myself that February 19 IS the last day no matter how much I miss her. The memories I have of her are things I'll always cherish and hold dear.
Anyway, it's Valentine's Day. Take care of yourselves
Michael
Last edited by Mikey_ on Mon Feb 14, 2005 11:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
anyhow, mike, i'm sorry i didn't call you back yesterday. my girlfriends at work and i agreed valentines day sucks, so right after work we ended up having some wine and some chocolate covered strawberries at home and played turbo cranium.
my cell phone ran out of batteries, so i didn't get your message til really late. anyway, i thought you didn't want to hang out thought you were just trying to be nice by asking me, huh.
oh yea, and the night i was kareoking, i was about to call you back and sing for you, but i kinda chickened out LOL* maybe next time or would you like to join us for kareoke sometime?
hey! so when are we going to hang out again? the 24th of feb. (thursday) would be a good day. *hint hint* i'll bring my guitar and we could JAM! hahaha* or try to.
hmm....yea, that's all i got for tonight. i was thinking about typing out a long long post tonight, but i really don't have anything interesting at the moment to talk about. oh well, maybe next time.
have a g'nite everyone. i'm turning in early...
"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
Welp, as said on the phone, Thursday it is. May invite an acquaintance and/or friend over too if we are going to cook anything.
Karaoke? Maybe I called on Sunday to ask you about something I was confused about while at the mall. Got it figured out eventually... Still have to look for a few more things though. Target tomorrow, maybe.
Got the free strawberries They are nice and firm! Haven't tasted one yet, but will in a few minutes. Brings back memories... I always loved making a Strawberry smoothie for Kim and once in a while I'd drop extra sugar in there just for her because I know that's how she liked it. Most of the time though, I sort of left it unsweetened because I'm concerned for her health.
Ah, Saturday it'll be time to let all of these memories go! It saddens me, really.
Here comes a confession: Strawberries are GOOD. Nice, big, and juicy, and most of them sweet and firm! Confession: they probably won't last till Thursday I'll try to be good hehehe... Ah, shucks. "My momma always said, life is like a bag of stomberries. You never know how long it's gonna last." It's true!
Just watched the first 8 minutes of the new Phantom of the Opera film and couldn't watch any further. Too many memories, but it's actually pretty good from what I've seen. It's almost better than the stage version I saw years ago although the singers and the instrumental of the Audio CD version are much better (the original London cast.) Anybody seen it? "Think of Me" (MP3, 4.36MB, performed by Sarah Brightman, Michael Crawford) and "Angel of Music" are some of my favorites and sound really nice with the room's speaker setup
The actor who plays the Phantom sings horribly, and the lead actress is from Day After Tomorrow - she was cute then and still is in this movie Told ya, I've got this thing for geeks
Some interesting fact: The project was ready to begin filming in 1990 and was set to star Michael Crawford and Sarah Brightman (the original stars of the stage version). Just before filming began, Andrew Lloyd Webber divorced Sarah and the project was put on hold. With the exception of Minnie Driver, all of the actors/actresses sang themselves. Minnie did sing for the Credits, a song specifically written by Webber for this movie.
Anyway, with the strong memories involved, I don't know if I'll be able to watch the movie though... It's the first time I am actually unable to watch a film. Dorky, huh?
Anyway, am planning to get the 2nd White Fiddler Crab tomorrow.
Hmmm, chicken quesadilla. You are a man after my heart. I love quesadillas! I’m not much of a cook but even I can manage making a quesadilla from time to time. I learned how to make chunky avocado salsa a few months ago. It was sooOOoo delicious! Your quesadilla just reminded me of my salsa. The day that my friend taught me how to make the salsa; she also made me a vegetable quesadilla. Yum!
Yeah, I am still thinking of taking the photography class. I don’t want to take it by myself and I am waiting to see the exact dates that it will be offered so that a friend of mine can enroll with me. We took a dessert making class together a few months ago at the Brea Community Center. It was really fun. I had a great time. We learned to make like 5 or 6 different desserts, including an absolutely delicious fruit tart. I was in Heaven! I can’t wait for the summer to be here. There are a few other one day workshops that look like fun that are only offered in the summer.
Soooo, I was going to lecture you on why you should not be so hard on yourself over the break up with Kim but I have decided to keep my mouth shut. After all, what the heck do I know about how things really went down between you and Kim? Not to mention that I am the last person who should be doling out advice on any type of relationship with my less than extensive experience with relationships myself. I have had a whooping, one relationship. An expert I definitely am not.
BUT… I still think you are too hard on yourself. Look, relationships take a great deal of work. You are so young, Michael. She was one of your first long-term girlfriends. You got off on the wrong foot. It sounds like there was a good deal of tension circulating in your relationship due to one or both of your employment statuses. Though there seems to be a great deal of love between the two of you, there also seems to be a great deal of room for improvement in communicating that love.
I honestly think that you did the best that you knew how at that time and you did not intentionally mean to screw things up between Kim and yourself. These things happen and I am glad that you are reflecting on things that you could have done differently. Messy situations come up in even the most even keeled relationships. You did not fail. I think that you just were not as well equipped as you are today to deal with some of the things that come up in relationships. Things that only time and maturity can teach you how to handle. I think you are on the right track now so don’t be so hard on yourself.
Tim and I never really fought or argued over much. Tim didn’t like to. This fact in itself was sometimes a problem for me. Sometimes he would get a little paternal with me. I was like, “What the heck?!? I already have parents!!!” Sometimes I wanted to clear the air with a nitty gritty discussion and found that I had to measure my words carefully. Tim was waaaaaaay more mature than me and handled things in a more adult-like manner. Sometimes this would irritate me and other times I would appreciate the fact that at least one of us could behave ourselves. It’s hard to describe but Tim and I got along really well despite a lot of things. He treated me like a princess and never really gave me reason to fight or argue with him. He really was good for me and if I am to be truthful, I was a good influence on him, too.
I know that I hurt him a few times due to my own immaturity. I feel REALLY bad about it. I felt really bad about it at the time, too and I took immediate steps to correct my hurtful behavior. I promised myself that I would never do that to someone again. And I won’t. I swear I won’t. I didn’t hurt him in the same ways that you mentioned went on between you and Kim. It was other stuff. I can remember holding him close and kissing him all over and trying to make him understand that there was a reason for some of my actions. Things were not always perfect between us, but we loved each other so much that staying annoyed for any period of time was just never an option. Tim was too busy loving me to stay mad at me for stupid stuff. Like I said though, we were so different that we were bound to be on different pages on a lot of things. There were a few times that our relationship was rocky. Thankfully we recovered quickly from these things.
Tim was unemployed for about 9 months or so once. He was really down about it. He had money saved and his parents are financially successful people. So he never had anything to worry about but I knew that he was stressed about being out of work. I could see it in his eyes and feel it as I held him in my arms at night. He was really stressed about it. I used to just hold him and let him talk until one or both of us fell asleep. Those were the best of times! When I could just sit or lie down beside him and play with his hair or massage him as he spilled his guts out on all his thoughts and dreams for the future. We became each others best friend during those moments. His actual unemployment status was never an issue for us but HIS thoughts and feelings during this time were sometimes full of anxiety. I guess it’s natural. I just did my best to hold him and comfort him through this. He finally did find a job again with IBM but I know that he went through some serious set backs as he job searched for over 9 months for a new job. I knew how hard he was trying and so I just silently gave him as much emotional support as I could. I offered him financial support, too during this time, but he rejected that. He would always tell me that he was fine and not to worry about him. I knew not to worry about him. His dad is quite comfortable and if all else failed I knew that he could always count on his dad. I just always wanted Tim to know that he could count on me for anything. Money, love, friendship, a shoulder to a cry on, you name it, I wanted to be the one he came to.
I’m happy to say that I think he knew that I had his back on anything life tossed his way. I think that is way he was so crazy about me and vice versa. We knew that in each other we had found someone who really and genuinely would go up to bat for the other no matter what. It was great. Yeah, it was fantastic. It’s also what had me on my knees, shaking in pain, when he died. My best bud was gone and it was more than this particular chick could take. The pain was so awful…
But anyway, it’s hard to make a relationship work and I’m glad to hear that you are regaining self-confidence. I know relationships can be difficult. I had plenty of friends who had funky problems with their boyfriends. You are neither the first nor certainly the last to go through strife with your girlfriend. You have a long life ahead of you and I am sure that you will only continue to grow and mature. By the sounds of most of your postings, you have slowly but surly been learning more about yourself and what you want and need out of your life and relationships.
For your sake, because I know that in your heart of hearts, you still love this woman, I hope that Kim will reconsider. I also hope that she does some growing up and self reflecting of her own. It sounds like you are not the only one who needed to make changes. You deserve to have someone in your life who thinks that you are the greatest, Mike. I hope that you find that person whether it be Kim or some other lucky lady.
You mentioned that you have been putting on a mask. Unfortunately I know exactly what that feels like. I had to wear a mask for friends and family, too. How do you tell your parents that you are dieing of a broken heart and wish you were dead? You don’t. There comes a time when you have to keep certain information to yourself. I would have loved a shoulder to cry on from family but I just closed up. I could not communicate to them how much pain I was in. It was an alarming amount of pain and my mother would have gone berserk with worry. Did I tell you? My mother is a crazy, mother hen type and she would have sat to down to wail beside me if she had known my thoughts during this time. It’s bad enough that these days her favorite past time seems to involve inviting her friends with eligible young bachelor sons over for dinner or tea. “Baby, let me introduce you to…” I swear she drives me nuts!!! You have no idea how awkward it is to have mommy dearest and her friends trying to meddle in my love life. Ewww… But anyway, I wore the happy mask for a while, too. I had to. I still had to make myself go to work and function as normal. I know it’s hard. I wore a mask for my friends, too. Had to. My thoughts were never that far from Tim and sometimes it was just easier to put on a mask.
I don’t feel as if I have to wear a mask as often as I used to. I genuinely do feel happy these days. Not all the time but definitely most of the time. I’m finding it easier to just live a normal life again. It’s a weird feeling but certainly very welcome. I still feel a void where Tim belonged. I can be surrounded by friends and still feel alone. I know that you know that feeling. You told me so a while back. I miss Tim terribly but it’s just easier to accept. It’s obvious from my previous messages that I still think of him a great deal. I can’t help that. I love him. He was such a big part of my life. Whenever I do something fun or find myself doing something that he and I used to do together I always feel a twinge of sadness. I can’t help but still want him here by my side. I’m not sure that those feelings will ever go away. I have great memories of my precious Tim but I also feel strong enough to start finding someone new to make great memories with. I know that Tim would have wanted me to find someone else to be happy with. I would have wanted the same for him. It just took me a while to get to this point. The people in my life literally wanted me to be over it in just a few months and I couldn’t. The pain was all-consuming for such a long time and no one understood.
This is one of those things that it is hard to understand unless you have gone through similar experiences. While your experience with Kim is different, it’s close enough so that I know that you know exactly how I feel. That’s probably why I find it so easy to come in here and spill my guts. Anyway, like I said before there are no rules for these types of things. You just have to do what your heart says is the right thing.
I was laughing when I read that you drove to Kim’s house. Aww, Michael! I have been there. You watched her dark window? I am glad that brought you a feeling of peace. I actually avoided going near Tim’s house after he died. I avoided his street and going anywhere that might remind me of him. I took other routes to get to places that I used to travel to with him. I didn’t care if it took me longer to get there. I avoided the city he lived in completely. I refused to go to restaurants we ate at together, movie theatres, parks, ice cream shops, stores, all kinds of things. I wanted to leave Orange County completely. I contemplated leaving the state; heck moving to a different country would have suited me just fine, too. I just wanted to get out of here. I was in so much freakin pain; I just wanted to disappear from the planet. It so was hard.
I don’t think that you are obsessed. I think it is adorable that you drove to her house and just kind of watched her window. It just shows me how much you love this girl and makes me believe even more so that you are going to make someone very happy one of these days. People have different ways of dealing with these things and I am happy that this drive brought you a feeling of peace and happiness. Whatever floats your boat, my friend. It’s important that you recover from your broken heart in a manner that you feel comfortable with. Don’t ever feel that you need to hide your feelings for Kim. Most women appreciate honesty. I know that I do.
Again, here I am giving advice where I really shouldn’t but I have the suspicion that Kim does not REALLY know how you feel about her. You said that she has not contacted you for weeks. Is she dating someone else? If I were you, I would ask her out for a cup of coffee and just tell her how you feel. No holds barred. I just get the feeling that she is not aware of how much you love her. I think you are doing the both of you a disservice by not sitting down, and spelling it out for her. Who knows? Maybe you have already done this and I just don’t know about it? If you guys love each other and you are serious about wanting to have a different kind of relationship than you have got to spell it out for her: in no uncertain terms. Throw caution to the wind, let your pride stay home for the evening and tell her exactly how you feel. If she outright rejects you, than so be it. It wasn’t meant to be. But if she is moving on because you are not effectively communicating to her, than you need to correct that.
I know it’s hard. I can’t tell you how many times I blundered my way through things with Tim. He thought I was adorable no matter what I did and so we didn’t really have these kinds of problems. That poor guy was crazy about me. I could probably have thrown up all over him, and he would have been like, “That was beautiful. Can you do it again?” I swear sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky my first time around. I didn’t deserve him. Oh well…
Anyway, don’t pay too much attention to my advice. Do whatever feels comfortable for you. I am a novice at love and relationships. I am also a crazy, tree-hugging, hippie- chick, who happens to be an incurable romantic. I hope that you do well.
I loved hearing about your memories of Kim. She sounds like a really nice girl. Hehe, a book, huh? Well, I’ll leave you to that…The Kim Memoirs… I think it’s cute and I am glad that you experienced such good times with your lady friend. I have a lot of fond memories of Tim, too.
I’ve watched a few Chinese movies with a Chinese friend of mine. I can’t remember what it was called but it was a nice heartwarming story about two lovers torn apart by the war. See? I can watch sappy love stories every once in a while. I just prefer movies with lots of action, bombs, and gunfire. I know, I am weird but stories that are, too sappy and romantic make me want to cry. I told you, I am the BIGGEST cry baby and I can’t watch anything too poignant or I turn to mush.
Wow! I can only imagine how difficult it was for you the day that Kim returned your keys. That must have been hard. I wouldn’t wish those types of experiences on my worst enemy. I’m sorry that you went through that.
Ha! So Kim doesn’t like you to be her snowboarding teacher? Oh come on, Michael. You know that is funny, don’t you? I’d be pretty pissed off to have you hovering around me, too. Leave the girl to snowboard as she pleases. That was too funny! She’s a riot. I like her. I’m sorry that she hurt your feelings but those are things that you need to be playing close attention to. Help her out with stuff but only when she needs it or specifically requests the help. Sometimes Tim would try to tell me how to do my statistics homework. I knew he was only trying to be helpful but sometimes it would get old. Teacher Tim would then have to deal with me being in a huff over his bossy ways. I’d tell him to chill, he would get upset, and then we would just kind of kiss and make up. Our spats were always short lived. Honestly, I don’t have time or the personality to be weird about stuff.
About your pick-up lines… I don’t know, Michael… Ask MB about this one. I’ve never been too hip on pick-up lines. They just seem too fake to me. I’m way too geeky for pick-up lines to work on me anyway. What ever happened to a simple, “Hello, I’m Michael.” If I were trying to pick someone up I would just introduce myself and go from there. Remember? I am a total chatterbox and so I never have had a problem talking to anyone. I like natural and confident guys. I don’t want some Romeo who’s been practicing cheesy pick- up lines. I don’t know though, that’s just me. I happen to never really have a hard time finding what to say to people and so I have never really needed to use a pick-up line. It’s actually pretty hard to get me to shut-up at times. I am such a chatterbox. I guess it depends on the personality of the person you are trying to hook up with. I know that I don’t particularly care for pick-up lines. It just depends. Girls can smell a cheesy pick-up line coming a mile a way, and I can only speak for me; I don’t like them. MB sounds like she might be a better judge of pick-up lines than me. What do you think, MB?
Tim used to say things like “when I am with you, I don’t care about anything else” and all sorts of other romantic mushy stuff to me. He used to tell me all the time that he never knew how wonderful life could be until he met me but I don’t know if that would classify as pick-up lines. Technically he had already “picked” me up. I don’t think he said much of that when we first started getting to know each other. I’m glad because I am not sure what I would have made of a man who hardly knew me telling me all these sweet and wonderful things.
I remember that first night we kissed. We had been hanging out for a long time already. We were really good friends at the time. We had gone out to dinner and a movie together. After the movie, I took him home. I pulled up outside his house and we chatted for a while. It was getting late and so he got out of my car and gave me a quick hug good-bye and thanked me for a fun time and for driving. We said we would see each other later just like we normally did. He closed my car door and I was about to pull off when he tapped on the passengers side window. I stopped and he climbed back into my car. He asked me to turn my car off for a minute. He was so serious sounding that I almost refused! His suddenly serious manner was freakin me out! He then drew me closer and kissed me. A totally delicious and toe curling kiss!!! It was awesome! I was really surprised. When it was over he whispered that he had wanted to do that for a long time. He told me that I looked beautiful that evening and told me that he would never have been able to forgive himself if he didn’t kiss me just that once. By this time I was total mush and more than a little shocked. I didn’t know that he was interested in me romantically until that evening. I could deal with pick-up lines like that. Ha! Tim didn’t know it at the time but I was so under his spell after that kiss that I probably would have done anything for him that evening. Both of us were too geeky and inexperienced to go any further. We officially dated a few more months before we progressed to any further romantic overtures.
So I guess I do like pick-up lines. It just has to be at the right time and at the right place. Anything too cheesy will inspire me to giggle and gab with my girlfriends on a guy’s hopeless attempts. So be careful. Just be yourself. You seem to have a great personality and you should have no problems.
Things can go south for guys REALLY quickly. I remember this guy that wanted to date me from CSUF when I first transferred there. He was in some business club; I think it was the Accounting society or something. He was Chinese and we had a great deal in common. He seemed nice enough but he was just much too forward for me. I remember going to one of the business clubs formal banquets. He was there. I can’t remember this guys name and I guess it does not matter but he was there that evening. He sat next to me and my friends the entire evening. At one point he had the nerve to put his hand on my knee. I was sooOOOooo turned off and moved his hand. I was wearing a strapless top and at another point he put his hand on my shoulder and started to make little massage-y circles on my shoulder. That was it for me. I finally just told him that I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want to be rude or mean but he was waaaaayy too touchy-feely for me. Maybe that was just his personally. I can relate to that. I am a hugs and kisses, affection galore person, too, but he just kind of gave me the creeps. I tend to be a little on the conservative side and I’m really picky about who I will throw myself on. Ha!
Anyways the moral of the story is men should wait for signs from females before they attempt any of that. There are signs, you know. A woman will pat your hand, look attentively at you, perhaps pat you on the back, she might even be extra friendly and hold your hand if she is interested. Never touch a woman innocently or not so innocently that has not given you signs that this is what she wants.
Ahh, the dating scene… it’s an interesting place. Much like you, I am into the geeky guys. I’ll find someone. I’m just returning to a normal way of life again. I was down in the dumps for such a long time that I am kind of just enjoying life. Know what I mean? It’s just been a rough couple of years and I am in no real hurry to get into anything.
Oh my gosh!! Your story about your friend looking up a girl’s skirt is unreal. Do guys really do that? I can’t believe that he told you she wasn’t that good in bed either. Wow! I don’t know why I am so amazed by this since I am guilty of checking out a man’s butts every once in a while. But looking up someone’s skirt? Somehow that’s just seems odd to me. Remind me to learn how to sit like a lady once and for all. That’s how come I hardly ever wear skirts. I am such a klutzy geek. I have to wear suits to work but I wear pants not skirts with my suits.
See? This is the kind of thing that sort of scares me about dating again. I’m a total one man type of woman. Tim would have never in a zillion years have discussed our sexual activities with anyone. Neither would I have. We could have had howling-in-the-moonlight-sex and he would have never discussed it with anyone but me. I am not a prude. I love sex. I feel very comfortable with my own sexuality but I think that there are some things that should only be shared between couples. Sex is one of those things. Tim was a real gentleman. I was way more off the wall when it came to this stuff. But, yes, I am glad that you recognize that your friend’s behavior is a little strange. It was nice of you to try to forewarn the girl who was being peeped on. I am pretty liberal and I try not to be too judgmental. I have a strong background in the behavioral sciences and believe in a “to each his own” philosophy.
I am a little scared of being “played” though. I’ve only known Tim and its kind of a scary prospect to go out and try new things. I suppose I will cross this bridge when I get to it. I’m glad that you are no longer comparing yourself to your friend. You’ll do fine just being yourself. Trust me on this one.
Yes. I am sure that your landlord must clean your carpet for you. Your place must have a clean carpet. You are responsible for vacuuming it and stuff (keeping it tidy and stuff) but bigger jobs like shampooing it or replacing it are the responsibility of the landlord. It’s the law. I’ll look into and send you more information if you need it. You can clean it or replace it yourself but they need to deduct whatever cost you incur from your rent. Anyway, I hate to be a troublemaker but I would look into it further if you are planning to do any spring cleaning.
I better go. I am going to go explore the city for a while. I just wanted to drop by and wish you a happy day. You mentioned that it might be a tough day for you. I wish you the best. I hope that from today forward your days are filled with happiness. Take care of yourself!
I'm going to be trading in DaVinci (the crab) with something from an acquaintance -- possibly a Betta fish (if it's compatible with goldfishes.) EDIT: See in my next reply for the reason.
For my tank, what color Betta fish do you think I should get? I'm thinking Blue or Yellow (if they have such a color.) Don't think Red or Black would be suitable ... trying to find a color that would balance well with the tank and the goldfishes.
Last edited by Mikey_ on Mon Feb 21, 2005 4:19 am, edited 2 times in total.
Blue: the rock, the gravel, the upcoming 5 neon tetras are all blue... adding a blue Betta might make the tank way too blue... (although blue's my favorite color too)
Red: an orange plant on the rock, an orange diver, an orange goldfish (Spunky), a white/red goldfish (Grace), and a white/red fancy goldfish (Bully) ... red might be too overboard too, no?
Green: got too much green already (the plants)
How about a yellow Betta, if they have one? I like fishes that have fancy tails/fins, are active and friendly, and add to the overall color balance of the tank. Haven't figured out yet what kind of fish would work.
Glad you two like the pictures I think you'll like the snowboarding ones even more once I post them online, but this month has been and will be a VERY VERY busy month for me. So many things happening at once that I have to actually draw out a plan for this month
I like Bully's kissing the finger picture the most. As I also told MB, all my original pictures posted above have been accidentally deleted Darn.
So, hmm... what was I going to say? Don't remember hahaha...
Yes, the one of him kissing your finger is adorable. He seems to project so much personality for just a little fish. Very cute. I think Gertie has fallen in love.
Gotta go! I have another paper to write that is due tomorrow. Ugh! I hate school sometimes.
I finished writing my paper at 3:49 A.M. on Friday morning.
I was sooOOoo sleepy. I'm not even sure that my words were making sense any more. I was tempted to come back in here and beg you to deliver me a cup of coffee since we were all out. I figured you wouldn't appreciate hearing my barely coherent ramblings on the Argentinian government/economy at that ungodly hour and so I just kept writing.
I got a few hours of sleep then went to work Friday morning. I turned in my paper that evening and went home to sleep. I'm usually not a last minute, all-nighter type of person. I really like getting things done on time or even ahead of time but my boss has been sick and I have had to put school assignments on the back burner for a while.
Just not enough hours in the day sometimes.
Anyway, gotta go. I want to shower and get dressed and do some shopping. I like getting my shopping done early when I have to go to Walmart.
What a coincidence... I'll be heading to Walmart in a bit too (although probably a different one) to buy more Ghost Shrimps -- something really bad happened to my tank, but I'll write about it another time (don't worry, I haven't forgotten to reply to your long post.)
Chunky Avocado Salsa? Sounds delicious! I made an avocado (with numerous spices, zests, juice, etc.) salad a while ago too with a few fruits and it was quite yummy.
So, how are you holding up?
How did you hurt Tim a few times due to your "own immaturity"? Elaborate
The job I wanted with my friend -- I didn't get it. I was technically very strong but my "accent" and soft-spoken voice was a problem for the manager. Hmph. Nothing I can do about my accent, but I definitely know that I've got to be a bit louder when on interviews. Haven't been on one for a long time The manager also thought that I was cheating by getting the questions he was going to ask before-hand through my friend who's currently working there. He suspected that because I answered a question before he even asked it. Well, I did NOT get that question through my friend -- it just so happened that I already knew how to troubleshoot the scenario he was presenting because I taught that over and over in my past teaching career. I choked though and forgot to tell him that I knew how to troubleshoot due to my teaching history. Hmph.
The Brea job -- I apparently applied 3 days after the deadline. The website (Monster.com) mentioned nothing of that! So, I didn't even get the first interview. Applied to 21 jobs the past 2 weeks though I'm stepping up my job hunt.
Unemployment sure can be very stressful. Believe me, I know. I tried my best to help keep Kim as comfortable as possible and always ensuring that she'd NEVER have to worry about money. I did more than that for her too prior to working at ictp, but am not going to repeat what I already said. I also don't think she ever realized that my working very hard at ictp was to help secure our future family some financial stability, but unfortunately the company didn't go the way it was supposed to. It (and other factors) put a tremendous strain in our relationship. I have learned, however, that men and women definitely show their appreciations in different ways. My way of showing appreciation wasn't entirely wrong either -- many guys I've "counseled" are/were like that. It could have been better though, but I guess it takes experience to find out what women really want -- and vice versa. Hey, it was my first relationship. It was her second.
Knowing that Kim was unhappy with her unemployment or current job situation never was easy on my soul -- and it still isn't today. I still feel her current stress, but I've reluctantly chosen to no longer offer her any help unless asked for. Of course, one thing that I don't think will ever change is that if she's in trouble, she already knows how to contact me.
Anyway, I honestly can no longer say with 100% certainty who she is any more -- she's changed SO MUCH even from when I first met her. She's still the same in many ways (the core of one's self -- bad or good -- will never change, even if you think it did), but she's also picked up quite a few bad qualities. No, she's improved in many ways that I'm proud of, even showing sides that I always hoped would come out of her but hardly, if ever, saw. Those and my own changes would definitely have strengthened our relationship. But some changes she's gone through are puzzling and could be bad for her in the future. As someone who she used to consider her best friend, I should say something to her, but I won't. I hope she won't change too much from her core essence -- the part of her that I've been proud of. Needless to say, we both influenced each other greatly for the better and for worse. We both have become stronger and wiser -- and weaker and more stupid in some ways.
I actually haven't talked much with anyone about Kim in recent weeks, and writing about her today is a bit hmm... weird, heart-drenching, and freeing at the same time. Yes, I still care a lot about her, but I'm trying not to show that side any more.
You are right that what I have been going through isn't unique. Stories from other people and psychological publications almost exactly mirror the stages, events, and thoughts of both Kim and I have. The whole break-up, even the relationship itself, was nothing unusual even though it felt like it was unique. Even a certain situation that I haven't (and won't) been sharing with you (please don't take it personal) has been mirroring what I've read about in psychological publications. The consequences of that type of situation have almost always turned ugly for those involved. It hardly ever worked out. No wonder those types of things are usually avoided by those who really care, ESPECIALLY by those who have gone through it themselves. It's really painful, I can tell you that. Think a heartbreak hurts? Trust me, it can get worse.
You are also right that I still love Kim, but I do not know to what degree that may be in the future if what's been happening between the two of us continues. Don't want to talk about that any more though even though she still pops up in my head every single day. So, yes, I understand how you feel in regard to Tim. I still find it a coincidence that his name is Tim and her name is Kim. It's almost hmm... spooky. But then again, Mike spelled backwards with the E dropped = Kim, that's weird too.
You are right again: many individuals -- you and me included -- often don't understand what others have gone through unless they have experienced it themselves. That's why I keep saying that what painful things Kim's been doing to me can only be unintentional. I just hope that someday she'll realize how some of her actions have been quite insensitive -- only then will I know that she still has some care in her. It took me a while to understand what I did to HER long time ago, and that's why my attitude towards her has practically turned around 180 degrees.
I've driven to her house one more time since the last post mainly because I wanted to know that she was okay (by looking at the window), but have been forcing myself not to do that again. It's pathetic.
The Kim Memoirs? hehehe... I drove to DeVry Long Beach on Friday to help with something and I've realized that I've come a long way professionally and emotionally since college. Anyway, where do the Kim Memoirs fit here? Well, that DeVry is next to the LB Airport. That particular airport has been making me sad every single time I drove by. Wrote about that in a post long, long time ago.
I didn't force her to let me teach how to snowboard better. In fact, I offered and she accepted.
No, no, no... those aren't my pick-up lines. Trust me, I don't have any and won't be using any. I've found, however, that something about me already works, but I haven't figured it out yet. And no, I will NEVER use whatever that may be to take advantage of anyone. That's just not me.
Talking with other people about sex can actually be a good thing too though: it can help you learn new things and perhaps enhance your sexual life.
Emmy Rossum does look hot in that picture, but I like her look in The Day After Tomorrow more.
So, an update on the fish tank: DaVinci was given to one of my acquaintances. His lobster ate it the following day. It made both of us sad, especially me. The 5 Neon Tetras were all killed by DaVinci, but I only asked for a refund for 4 of them. Didn't want to look weird asking for all FIVE to be refunded. Returned the Betta fish as it was boring to watch (not to mention ugly -- saw a much, much prettier one at Petco.)
Got 20 Guppies. All but 3 females mysteriously disappeared. All but 1 Ghost Shrimp mysteriously disappeared.
Nitrite level is dangerously high after I did the last 75% water change -- decided to do what one of my friends did for his tank, but it proved to be far from good. Bully showed signs of poor water quality when his fins were blood streaked. It's gotten better, but the Nitrite level is still dangerously high and I haven't had the chance to do research on its cause yet. Nitrate (not Nitrite) level and all other indicators are perfectly safe though. I'll have to get a large bucket for the next 75% water change -- not going to stress out the inhabitants again like last time.
So, what are my plans for the tank? Will get 5 new Ghost Shrimps and once (or if) the remaining 3 Guppies die, I'll attempt 5 Neon Tetras again.
I'll post pictures of the Guppies and the snowboarding trips in the Hobbies section of this forum someday.
I almost have every single movie that Studio Ghibli has released now. Studio Ghibli is the top animation studio of Japan that created classics like: Graveyard of the Fireflies, Spirited Away, My Neighbor Totoro, etc. Will one day do a marathon and watch all the new and classic ones
Hmm... this month has been really stressful. Some unknown force is once again pushing to move forward (which is a good thing.) I have some major decisions to decide on within the next couple weeks (unrelated to Kim.) So, we'll see how things turn out once everything's tackled
Mb and another female friend of mine will be doing a sleepover this coming Wednesday. We'll probably do a 24 Season 1 (TV Show) marathon, go to the beach to finally take the sunset picture I've been wanting to take for so long, and whatever else may come to mind. I also plan on holding a BBQ within this month. Again, you're welcome to join -- there'll probably be a large number of friends over.
Hmm... finally got a chance to contact a long-lost friend from college recently. He recognized my voice right away that dork! Got married, has an IT job, and what not. It'll be interesting when we meet again
Made a few new decorative additions to the apartment again.
I've got to go pee the past hour.
Hmm... Okay, this post is done
Michael
PS: A friend's sleeping on my bed right now. Can't wake him up... Pee quietly? hehehe. Okay, shhhhhh!
Music
anyway, i thought you didn't want to hang out 
or would you like to join us for kareoke sometime? 
/fi_av_smiles_y_44.gif)
After all, what the heck do I know about how things really went down between you and Kim? Not to mention that I am the last person who should be doling out advice on any type of relationship with my less than extensive experience with relationships myself. I have had a whooping, one relationship. An expert I definitely am not. 
Sometimes I wanted to clear the air with a nitty gritty discussion and found that I had to measure my words carefully. Tim was waaaaaaay more mature than me and handled things in a more adult-like manner. Sometimes this would irritate me and other times I would appreciate the fact that at least one of us could behave ourselves. It’s hard to describe but Tim and I got along really well despite a lot of things. He treated me like a princess and never really gave me reason to fight or argue with him. He really was good for me and if I am to be truthful, I was a good influence on him, too. 
I felt really bad about it at the time, too and I took immediate steps to correct my hurtful behavior. I promised myself that I would never do that to someone again. And I won’t. I swear I won’t. I didn’t hurt him in the same ways that you mentioned went on between you and Kim. It was other stuff. I can remember holding him close and kissing him all over and trying to make him understand that there was a reason for some of my actions. Things were not always perfect between us, but we loved each other so much that staying annoyed for any period of time was just never an option. Tim was too busy loving me to stay mad at me for stupid stuff. Like I said though, we were so different that we were bound to be on different pages on a lot of things. There were a few times that our relationship was rocky. Thankfully we recovered quickly from these things. 
You have no idea how awkward it is to have mommy dearest and her friends trying to meddle in my love life. Ewww… But anyway, I wore the happy mask for a while, too. I had to. I still had to make myself go to work and function as normal. I know it’s hard. I wore a mask for my friends, too. Had to. My thoughts were never that far from Tim and sometimes it was just easier to put on a mask. 
